Architects of Change

14/12/2021

There is a stage of childhood development where we can only see things our way. This is an ego centric stage (usually age 3-5) where children can only view their own perspective + opinions. When challenged or disagreed with they become upset, angry, + sometimes cope by having a tantrum.

Many adults are still within this stage because of interruptions in their development. Meaning: they were not emotionally engaged with, listened to, + taught to see outside perspectives. This is why so many people focus solely on their own point of view. When challenged they can become highly defensive, demand another adult to see things their way, or resort to “tantrum” like behavior of insults or threats. All of this is fear-based behavior.

If you were raised by emotionally immature parents, it’s very common to become stuck within this stage of development.

The next stage of childhood development is the ability to see outside perspectives + to be curious about them. This involves the ability to tolerate different opinions + to see outside of themselves. In this stage, an awareness of personal opinion comes into play. Children are less attached to their own perception at this stage + become more tolerant.

An underdeveloped ego is extremely common in our culture. An underdeveloped ego means an ego that is very rigid, easily reactive, + unable to view outside opinions. When we have underdeveloped egos we struggle to learn new ideas, to have relationships, + tend to surround ourselves with people who share the (exact) same view points which can easily become strict ideological beliefs.

HOW TO DEVELOP (calm) THE EGO:

- relax into the idea that your opinion is a truth. There are multiple realities + multiple truths because truth is based on personal perspective.

- regularly expose yourself to new thoughts + conflicting thoughts.

- learn to regulate your emotions as you listen to opposing ideas.

- begin to notice when you’re being rigid or overpowering around your own opinion.

- learn more mature ways to communicate + end conversations when you see they’re not going anywhere “we can agree to disagree” or “I see your perspective here”

19/10/2021

09/07/2021

A Toxic Man

Toxins kill. Toxins are deep-rooted in one’s upbringing. A toxic man has a dysfunctional past. He loves conflict. He has an adrenaline rush – if there’s no fight, he will start one. You can’t fix a toxic man. People change when they purpose to change. If you’re dating a toxic man, break the relationship right away before he sucks the life out of you. If you’re married to one, may God come through for you.

A toxic man will abuse you till you doubt yourself. He talks gas and insults endlessly. He makes a mountain out of every molehill. He is bitter with himself and with life. You can easily confuse him for a depressed person except that depressed people are not necessarily arrogant. Depressed people feel lonely and tend to retreat to isolation. Depressed people need our undivided support.

But a toxic man attacks others. He accuses you for everything including his own failures. He complains throughout. He can neither sustain his job nor his relationships. He never compliments nor appreciates you yet he feels entitled to your support and favors. He needs to be the center of attention. He is both the player and the referee – he changes the rules of the game conveniently to suit his mischiefs.

A toxic man will cheat, lie, criticize, and manipulate you but expect you to be loyal, holy and perfect. He is a pathological liar and has zero respect for you. He focuses on your mistakes but ignores his own. He is hypocritical and lives by double standards. Everyone but you thinks he is a saint. No one sees the side of him that you see. His relationship with outsiders is superficial. They can’t see what you see in him.

Your gut tells you to investigate him. But you fear expressing your feelings. This guy can beat you to hell. He doesn’t respect your boundaries. He belittles you and dismisses you. Your admirable qualities become deficiencies. When he gets home, your mood sinks because you know he’s going to crash your spirit further. Your voice has been silenced. Your emotions are destabilized. You’re sinking into depression.

You need to draw a red-line ASAP that he can never cross before it’s too late for your sanity! If you can’t face him head-on, seek for help. Don’t die in silence. If he doesn’t need you, we need you. We love you. You are valuable to your family and the society. You are precious in the sight of God.

23/05/2021

Suppressing it only makes it worse when it resurfaces and explodes at the wrong time, in the wrong place, and with the wrong people. I eventually learned to acknowledge and accept the trauma by being patient, honest, and friendly to myself. That whatever it was that hurt me doesn't make me any less worthy. That I am more than enough and I can do great things.

18/05/2021

6 WAYS TO IMPROVE SELF-AWARENESS

Self-awareness is having conscious knowledge of our thoughts and emotions. Those who are self-aware tend to act consciously rather than passively, meaning they make better decisions, have higher levels of psychological health, and have a more positive outlook on life.

So the fundamental question has to be: how do we help develop it?

1️⃣ ASK FOR FEEDBACK
One way in which we can improve self-awareness is through asking for feedback. Feedback is most useful when it is given by those who understand us and will be honest. It is important to be told what we need to hear, rather than what we want to hear.

When asking for feedback, either/or questions about our behaviours should be avoided, as they set the narrative and put words into the mouth of those providing feedback, stopping them from generating their own ideas.

Furthermore, when receiving feedback, we need to be open-minded - particularly if there is a difference of opinion as such situations foster learning. It may be necessary to question the feedback to enhance our understanding and to allow ourselves to make the necessary improvements.

2️⃣ RECOGNISE STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES
Self-awareness can be improved through recognition of our strengths and weaknesses. Having awareness means that we can work on our weakness and seek help if it is needed to make the necessary improvements. Asking for help is often perceived in a negative way; but it should not be, as it can build a team around us and enhance our effort and motivation to work harder.

3️⃣ BETTER SELF-REFLECTION
Carrying out 15 minutes of daily self-reflection is a good way to enhance self-awareness, as it allows us to understand ourselves on a deeper level. Using a diary is an effective way to carry this out, as it provides an opportunity for feelings to be communicated in a tangible way, and unlock thoughts and emotions that might otherwise be disregarded.

4️⃣ MONITOR SELF-TALK
Monitoring self-talk can improve self-awareness, as it makes our thoughts and emotions more obvious. Self-talk needs to be helpful, with wins being celebrated and failures not being excessively dwelt on. Saying ‘Stop’ after a negative thought can also act as a platform to halt a train of thought and follow it with more positive and helpful self-talk.

5️⃣ PRACTICE SAYING ‘NO’
The ability to say no to ourselves to put off short-term gratification in favour of long-term gain is an important life-skill, and practicing this can improve self-awareness. To master this skill, we should set ourselves goals for the number of temptations we will resist each day and increase this number as we improve.

The implications of being able to say ‘no’ are also far reaching. In the famous marshmallow experiment, children who were able to restrain from eating a marshmallow until the researcher returned were more academically and socially competent and better able to deal with stress 10 years later when compared with those who ate the marshmallow before the researcher returned.

6️⃣ QUESTION DECISIONS
Before acting on a decision, we should come up with three good reasons as to why we should pursue it. Stopping to ask yourself ‘why’ improves our self-awareness as it allows us to better understand the motives behind our decisions and explore them further, meaning that we can be confident that the decisions we make are good ones.

▪︎FINAL THOUGHT▪︎

The development of self-awareness does not happen overnight and can be difficult, as we are ‘not there’ to observe ourselves. Often, we operate automatically; unconscious of our thoughts and feelings. However, through receiving honest feedback, enhancing our understanding of our strengths and weaknesses and monitoring our thoughts and emotions, we can work towards becoming more self-aware.

21/04/2021

The ego wants to control another person. This makes the ego feel safe + protected. If we can control another person, we won’t be abandoned. We won’t confirm our core (trauma based belief) that we are not worthy— that we are not lovable.

If we can just get them to do what we want (+ be who we want) things will change and then we will feel better. This is why relationships cause so much suffering for our ego: we don’t know how to love a person as they are. We believe we know what is best for others. Even though few of us actually know what’s best for ourselves.

And, we believe that we can change an adult. Make them “see” something. Get them to do something. This is the egos greatest illusion that we can force another into becoming who we want them to be.

As we heal, we can see this is fear. A fear that actually drives other people away from us. That leads to resentment + unrealistic expectations.

Control looks like:
1. Making suggestions over + over again on something someone ‘should’ do even after the person has shown no interest in taking action on that suggestion (nitpicking, nagging)
2. Comparing partners to another person they wish they were ‘more like’
3. Pushing beliefs into a partner even when they’ve made it clear their beliefs don’t align
4. Giving ultimatums
5. Enabling harmful behaviors to keep the relationship
6. Controlling finances
7. Snooping/privacy invasions
8. Setting ‘rules’ + then placing a punishment (similar to parent/child dynamics)
9. Using personal information ‘against’ a partner
10. Involving other people in attempt to change or force a partner to do something

11/04/2021

PTSD EXPLAINED
Post-traumatic stress disorder is caused by stressful, frightening or distressing events, and causes people to relive the event though nightmares, flashbacks, or intrusive thoughts or images that appear at unwanted moments.

The symptoms

can start weeks, months or even years after a traumatic event and can be, _sleeping problems,
_ anger,
_ anxiety
_ depression.
-flashbacks
-nightmares
-emotional numbness
-easily irritated
-easily angered

03/01/2021

No matter how long you have traveled in wrong direction, you can always turn around.

02/01/2021

We wish all our followers and clients a Happy 2021

09/10/2020

A man who learns to love the world and leave God is like “salt that has lost his savour.” He let himself get consumed by too much in order to live out his purpose. That isn't wise, and it isn't right. Don’t let yourself be consumed by the very nature of this world, for “ye are the salt of the earth” (Matthew 5:13, KJV).

Bishop TD Jakes is an influential and visionary spiritual leader. He is the founder and Senior Pastor of The Potter’s House, a multicultural, non-denominatio...

07/10/2020

You’ve held onto grudges and pains and hurts for too long and it’s time to let that go. In a time where we’re all learning our own mortality, we’ve got to accept the reality that we must love each other in our totality.

Bishop TD Jakes is an influential and visionary spiritual leader. He is the founder and Senior Pastor of The Potter’s House, a multicultural, non-denominatio...

27/08/2020

Most of us experienced emotional abandonment as children, + most of us didn’t even know it.

It isn’t until one starts to understand why we fellet like a ‘close’ family on the surface, but we also don’t know how to connect. To have difficult conversations. To regulate our emotions without outbursts, silent treatments, + defensive reactions.

Emotional abandonment happens because most of our parent-figures were also left to fend for themselves, emotionally. They don’t have the skills needed to connect with us.

So, we fall into patterns of desperately seeking to be chosen. In our partnerships, in friendships, by bosses at work.

So many of us seek to be chosen without even knowing WHY. We chase, betray ourselves, + seek to be chosen even if our our needs aren’t being met.

Even if there’s conflict.

Even if the relationship is a not the right fit because the threat, the fear of perceived abandonment is just too painful to face.

Seeking to be chosen is a coping mechanism that can be unlearned as we connect deeper to our authentic self

13/07/2020

Self Confidence