Relationship Therapy with Jena

09/02/2022

5 signs of an ANXIOUS attachment style:

1. Threaten to leave your partner during arguments
This is called a "protest behaviour" and it's designed to lower anxiety. When you're afraid your partner is upset with you or doesn't love you anymore, you may threaten to leave in hopes that they say "no, don't go" - but often, even if it works in the moment, this leaves your partner feeling insecure about YOUR commitment, and ultimately does more damage than good.

Recognizing that you're in a heightened state and starting to ask for what you really need in that moment (some comfort, some reassurance, some quality time together) is going to be WAY more helpful to your relationship than threatening to leave. Self-awareness (trying to understand what's going on for you in the moment) and knowledge (learning about attachment styles and how they play out) are crucial to move from protest behaviours to stating your needs.

2. Worry your partner doesn't like you as much as you like them
Because people with anxious attachment styles tend to focus a lot on their relationships, they may find themselves putting MORE into the relationship than their partner - which can lead to feelings of being under-appreciated, undervalued or unwanted.

3. Have been told you're "needy" or "clingy"
People with an anxious attachment style tend to need a lot of emotional connection and reassurance. While this can be considered clingy or needy, it's not necessarily a bad thing! Our society values independence but the ability to be CLOSE in a relationship is such a wonderful gift. The trick here is to find someone who is able to match or at the very least appreciate your ability to connect - avoidant partners tend to not be able to do this. AND it's important to realize that just because someone is not showing you they love you ALL THE TIME - it doesn't mean they don't.

Clearly stating your needs can also help you in this regard - if you know that you need some phone-free time with your partner every day or else you start to feel disconnected and angry, let them know! Chances are, they’ll be glad to learn how they can help you feel more loved and supported in the relationship.

4. Hate being single, but also find relationships to be very stressful
Those with anxious attachment styles have a LOT of love to give, so they really want a partner to be able to share their lives with. However, once they find a partner, they can find relationships to be stressful based on all the points we've discussed already.

5. Often second-guess yourself in relationships
Because those with anxious attachment styles tend to overthink things, they may have been told they are being "too sensitive" or "sweating the small stuff", causing them to continually question their own thoughts and feelings.

While there is nothing WRONG with having an anxious attachment style, in fact it's a wonderful gift to be able to connect so deeply with another person, it can feel very uncomfortable to have an anxious attachment style when your partner is not able to give you what you need. Also, constantly worrying your partner will leave you can be damaging to your quality of life.

Some good news - it IS possible to create a more secure attachment style within your relationship! It takes awareness and specific actions.

08/26/2022

Should you stay or go?

Relationships are HARD, and about 50% of people in relationships struggle on the daily. If you're currently struggling in your relationship, you may be wondering - should I continue on or cut my losses and get out?

Change is scary and separating can be a VERY difficult decision, so I've compiled 6 questions that can help you decide.

You can send me a DM with your biggest takeaway from the video, or comment below.

Be sure to subscribe to the channel for weekly relationship knowledge and inspo!

FLUB - the first question shows up BACKWARDS! the rest are fine, keep watching. :) E-Course: After An Affair: Rebuilding Your Relationship (Trust, S*x and Al...

07/15/2022

When you’re missing your bae (does anyone still say that anymore??) - send them a text to let them know!

The flirtier, the better.

They’ll get a happy chemical boost and you’ll feel even closer with them after reminding your own brain and body that you are still into this person!

07/14/2022

Let's break the cycle of CONDITIONAL LOVE in our relationships. Let's show our partners we love them even when we're upset.

To be clear: Being kind even when you're upset does NOT teach your partner to keep doing the thing that made you upset. You're not pretending you're not upset, but you're hugging and loving them anyway. You're sitting with them, touching them, and saying "I love you AND this thing that happened hurt me" - rather than lashing out. The more goodwill you build, the more your partner will WANT to show up in a loving way.

Increased security actually builds connection, trust, and a felt experience of being LOVED. How amazing is that? AND, smiling or hugging when you're upset helps your system relax more quickly and therefore SHORTENS the amount of time you spend fighting or feeling stressed - and that increases your quality of life!!!!

07/08/2022

When you've stopped even saying good morning to each other... try this.

The story of disconnection looks something like this: you and your partner are so busy with other things, you've stopped spending a lot of time together… eventually you don't even really acknowledge each other, except when it has to do with logistics. When you try date nights, it feels awkward and unsatisfying. You wonder if maybe there's something wrong with you or you're just not compatible anymore. You have a DESIRE to connect, but everything you try feels painful and uncomfortable. You wonder… does my partner even want me anymore?

When you're unsure whether your partner even likes you, it feels way too vulnerable to put yourself out there… so you either wall yourself up and live separate lives, or the anger from that hurt comes out as pokes and jabs to your spouse. They tell you you're too critical and you think - see, they don't like me.

And on and on it goes.

What if there was a way to ACTUALLY change this cycle you're in? In this video, I break down the ways you can start to let your partner feel SAFE around you - and set the stage for REAL connection. The tools won't "work" right away, they need practice and consistency - but give it a few weeks or a month of DAILY PRACTICE and see what happens!

07/01/2022

Hi friends!

I'm SO excited to share what I've been up to! Creating content for YouTube all about RELATIONSHIPS - how to stop fighting so much, what to do if your partner finds out you cheated, s*xless marriage, how to give a damn good compliment (out on Sunday), manifesting a happier relationship (out July 7), how to apologize so your partner actually forgives you (out July 10).

I release new educational/inspiring/entertaining videos every Sunday and Thursday - SUBSCRIBE if you'd like to learn more about relationships. I understand relationships a tiny bit better every single day in my relationship counselling practice and I love sharing those insights with you!

If there's anything specific that you would like to know about relationships, send me a message or comment below.

S*xless marriages happen - A LOT. There's a way to restart your s*x life, and it only takes about 10 minutes a day. Join Jena in this video as she shares WH...

05/01/2022

2 minute daily exercise that can shift your entire relationship:

Our brains are problem solving machines, which is why we remember every excruciating detail about our fights and not too much about the things that are going really well.

My challenge to you is to start writing out the things that are going well in your relationship, to TRAIN your brain to see the good stuff - which will eventually help you develop "positive sentiment override", something that helps you create a happier, more balanced relationship - in just a few minutes a day!

03/25/2022

For all the moms out there who feel like they're doing EVERYTHING…

I had a session yesterday that provided a perfect example of what I hear from moms in heteros*xual relationships ALL THE TIME: I feel like I'm the one doing EVERYTHING around the house but at the same time, I can't let go of control. My partner doesn't do things the way I want them to, it's easier if I do it myself. And then I start resenting them, and then I stop wanting to have s*x or be affectionate with them, I'm exhausted and overworked and overwhelmed…

Let's talk about this! What needs to happen to stop this cycle? I outline a simple (but not easy) challenge you can take this week if you relate to this.

03/18/2022

"If I focus on the positives, we’ll NEVER solve our problems!"

I talk a lot about gratitude and appreciation, and I've noticed there's resistance towards focusing on the good in your partner. The fear is - if I focus on the good, I'll forget about the bad and then we'll never solve these important problems!

HOWEVER. Focusing on the good DOES NOT erase the bad. Our brains are problem solving machines and so we're designed to solve problems. Focusing on the GOOD just helps us be able to widen the spotlight, see things with more clarity, and show up in a softer way, which actually helps us to solve problems more effectively.

Focusing on the negatives, on the other hand, DOES erase the positives. Our brains are designed to focus on the negatives, so when we do, it tends to be ALL we see.

Let's work on widening that spotlight, on showing up in a softer way, on using positive reinforcement to motivate, and on really ENJOYING our relationship - and we can solve our problems along the way!

03/18/2022

If your partner tries to PROBLEM SOLVE your feelings…

It can be frustrating when your partner tries to SOLVE your emotions rather than just COMFORT you. A common fear is: Does this mean my partner has no empathy??

In this video, I share what may be going on for your partner when they try to talk you out of your feelings - and share what to do the next time this happens!

03/03/2022

When we're in a NEW relationship, we act from our feelings - we feel so deeply that the actions come naturally. We're excited and wanting to get to know the person and wanting to BE known, so we naturally touch and connect and explore.

Over time, our feelings level out, we start to notice flaws, we get more easily triggered, and we stop touching and being intimate as naturally as before. Then we wonder if something is wrong with us. In this video, I share how the order of FEELINGS and ACTIONS reverses over time - and what you can do to stop feeling like roommates and start feeling like intimate partners again.

11/26/2021

In session this week, a client said some of the most romantic, profound things to me about his partner. How lucky he was to be with her. How cute he thinks she is. I said… go home and tell her this!!! He said, "Meh. She knows how much I love her." WHAT!!! No, she doesn't. Trust me.

I see it all the time with my clients - when pressed, they'll say wonderful, appreciative things about their partner. Sometimes, their partner is lucky enough to be in the room. When I ask their partner "Did you know that?" Their partner says, "No! I had no idea they felt that way about me."

For some, actions are more important than words, which is why doing things that show your partner you care about them is ALSO helpful. However you choose to express your love, please take a moment to express it somehow, some way, today. Right now, if possible. Your partner does not actually know how much you love or even LIKE them. And sometimes, when you don’t deliberately take the time to appreciate them, you can forget how much you like them too.

Ok, gotta go text my hubby now.

❤️