02/04/2026
I repeat this gently because I know how deep this runs.
We are biologically wired for connection - emotional, physical, mental and spiritual.
From within the womb, our nervous system begins to pick up signals of safety and danger. As an infant, it organizes around attachment, especially with parents, siblings, and later partners. Throw friends, coaches and teachers into the mix. Seeking closeness, belonging and repair isn’t a weakness. It’s survival.
If like me, you've found yourself over-explaining, over-giving, over-tolerating...hoping THIS TIME, it will feel different, that makes sense. Your system is trying to restore connection (remember biologically), and it's doing what it's designed to do.
Except when that moment in time arrives, when the chase stops being about connection and starts becoming self-abandonment.
When your body stays tense.
When boundaries disappear.
When you feel like you're shrinking, you're sensing more anxiety, and more unsure after every interaction.
When you’re working harder for the relationship than the relationship is working for you.
That's not failure, that's information.
What we can offer ourselves is the offer of a self-respecting pause, a pause in the pursuit. And not out of bitterness or anger, but out of care for the parts of us that have been trying so hard to be chosen.
This doesn’t mean you stop loving.
It means you stop chasing.
And when you stop chasing, something quiet and empowering can happen.
Your energy comes back to you.
Your system softens.
And you return to building relationships, including the one and most important, with yourself - the ones that don’t require you to disappear, stay small or silent.
If this lands, you’re not cold. You’re healing.