11/13/2025
These are the things I often say to fellow grievers and what people have said that moved me or what I wished they would say in the thick of my grief. I think people are often scared of “upsetting” the griever but the reality is — they’re already upset. You showing genuine care or interest is likely not going to worsen that grief, but you not acknowledging their beloved or their grief might.
Now that being said, I’m cautious about making blanket statements around grief (as it’s such an individualized experience and every relationship is so complex) but I have yet to meet someone who’s had a strong adverse reaction to these questions (unlike some of the other things we often say to grievers lol). I always assume that if people don’t want to talk about their loved one, they’ll find a way to move on from the topic or change the subject which I’m fine with too. Or I like to pause and check in, are you okay if I ask about them? Most people are overjoyed to talk about their person because no one really asks out of their own discomfort. But when we don’t ask, we don’t give grievers the chance to make those choices for themselves. We make them for them on their behalf.
That’s why I think talking about them and asking about them matters so much. It keeps our relationship with them alive. It keeps them alive.
What’s the most thoughtful thing someone said or asked you about when you were grieving? Let me know in the comments below. 🤍
