12/10/2025
This photo of my partner and I is from last year, but I recently came across it again. Our little adventure from that day has been on my mind.
In the summer of last year, I took Anthony to a place from my past: Mt. Carmel, an outdoor spot where the Catholic church hosts religious gatherings.
Being raised in the Catholic church was deeply traumatic for me. It felt like a constant back-and-forth of feeling loved and accepted, and feeling damned to hell and like I didn't belong. I fought and resisted going to church - which rarely worked - until I was an adult. Once I was free, I let everything that didn't feel right (like control, righteous judgment, etc.) begin to fall away, but those of us who are in touch with our traumas know that the effects don't just suddenly vanish once we're safe. Unravelling takes time.
Going to a place of Catholic worship stirred up some biiig feelings in me: familiarity, comfort, love, reverence, as well as confusion, pain, and anger. Making sense of such an internal emotional soup felt highly disorienting. I am so grateful that I had Anthony by my side as I shared and processed my internal chaos.
Healing takes time, space, and people who care. I'll always have more healing to do, but I trust the process now more than ever, my body's wisdom and ability to heal, and other humans who feel safe.
In freedom,
💜Nicole
(Note: Catholicism can work for you and be traumatizing for me, and something that feels right for me might be traumatizing for you. Your feelings matter, just as they are.)
