12/13/2025
Many of us spend our adult lives stuck in patterns we canât seem to break: self-sabotage, apathy, indecision, loneliness, or the ongoing inability to name what we truly want.
We assume these are adult problems.
So we try adult solutions: willpower, discipline, productivity hacks, numbing, or Netflix.
But most of these patterns didnât begin in adulthood.
They began at the age we first learned that our desires were too much, too selfish, or too inconvenient.
For many of us, the problems we face now come down to two missing experiences:
(A) no one helped us believe our desires mattered, and
(B) no one taught us how to develop our raw desires. We learned to silence them or feel ashamed of them.
When a childâs desires are ignored or shamed, they receive an emotional template that follows them into adulthood. They learn to mute their longings or shrink their voice. Others move in the opposite direction and become entitled, trying to secure a version of what they were once denied.
Parents often fear that responding to a childâs desires will create selfishness.
But our research shows the opposite. Having your desires supported as a child makes you 4Ă more likely to have a healthy, positive sense of desire as a man, and over 3Ă more likely as a woman.
Most adults remain stuck at the same age, and in the same emotional themes, where they were left to navigate desire alone.
Your desires are some of the most remarkable parts of who you are, but they need formation.
As a therapist, Iâve seen a lack of desire formation cost people intimacy, pleasure, money, and meaning. We assume the issue is productivity, our bodies, or our habits.
But the deeper issue is this:
Weâve never learned how to develop our desires.
If youâd like the link to read more about how to form your heart, click this link: https://ow.ly/Km2j50XHWeo