Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW Help for parenting, family life, relationships and individual issues: www.yoursocialworker.com, He/Him All services are provided using ZOOM.

Working from my home in Keswick, Ontario, I provide a range of counseling and conflict resolution (peacemaking) services to support people and their relationships.

02/16/2026

Family Day. More than just a mid-winter break, it's built around a value of time with family.

For most that is an endearing thought. For others, not so much.

It may be a time to reflect realistically on how you want to remain connected with kin or if you would like some sort of do-over.

Truly, many recognize a value in one's chosen family over blood connections. Some even choose the solitude of a fully independent life.

No matter who you recognize as your family, know it's your choice.

You don't have to be beholding to the Hallmark fantasy and nor should you ever be made to feel guilty for opting out.

So sure, Family Day.

02/15/2026

We tend to lean to the familiar, the comfortable.

Growth more often comes from discomfort, delving into the unknown, learning.

This doesn't mean we don't make choices and accept nonsense. It's just that we must challenge ourselves and thinking too.

02/15/2026

That concept of high conflict separated parents.

It's one where the parents are frequently at court, each with allegations suggesting they cannot coparent owing to the behavior of the other. The request is then for sole decision making authority.

The courts and often all service providers look at the situation from a lens that says, "It takes two to tango."

The implication is that both parents contribute equally to the conflict. Given that, both are often told they have to share decision making authority but to use a mediator or parenting coordinator to resolve issues as they arise.

These are the parents who may as well move in with those service providers as they will be in their office almost continuously.

I'm here to tell you though, it doesn't take two to tango.

It may only be one driving the conflict and the other trying desperately to defend themselves.

It's a one-sided mudslinger, but given the loudness of the other in defense, it is difficult to tell them apart.

These are situations that scream for coaching for the one on the defensive.

They need to learn skills to manage themselves when triggered, skills to set boundaries for the ex and at times the child between them, and how to gather evidence to substantiate themselves as the victim of harassment that raises to the level of psychological and emotional abuse.

Learning these skills helps cause the behavior of the aggressor to stand out. Then it becomes easier to tell the players apart.

If this describes you, take it in. It is your calm and reasonable boundary setting and maintaining that is a potent differentiator.

Read Bill Eddy's books: Biff; Proposal; EAR.

Lean the skills practice them and then use the gaslighting and written demands of the other to build your case.

The courts have recently started coming around to this notion of one driving the conflict.

Build on that by building your skills.

The outcome depends to a great extent on what you do to bring clarity to the courts without shouting it from the rooftops.

Develop the skills.

02/15/2026

Be your own best friend first.

Take care of yourself. Treat yourself well.

Maintain and manage boundaries. Take breaks when tired. Eat well. Get rest.

Be your own best friend.

02/15/2026

I speak of being curious when faced with nonsense (rude comments, gaslighting, etc.). This is instead of arguing or pushing back.

What I mean by curiosity is taking an approach that says you don't understand the behavior, views or opinions of the other.

It can start just by you saying, "I don't understand."

That alone often puts an onus on the other to explain themselves. In some situations it can take the weight out of their words.

If a person seeks to, in a sense, attack or demean you for just not understanding at face value, you can actually agree, nondefensively. This often reduces the intended impact. "Sure."

If you continue to look at the person quisically, as if to say you still don't get it, it can have the effect of putting them on the defensive.

They may either drop the issue, seek to clarify or income cases, express anger. Let them.

Be more confused, "I am not sure where you are going. I am just trying to understand and don't get it."

All of this is contrary to their oft hoped for reaction, which is to intimidate, put down or seek to know more than you.

You're not taking the bait, mostly because it doesn't make sense.

They are stuck with that.

If however there is something truly legitimate, they will clarify themselves and that too may be helpful.

Curiosity over anger, instead of being triggered.

It actually starts by managing one's own feelings in the moment.

It can be powerful.

Curiosity. Understand?

02/14/2026

A soft landing.

That's what we want after tragedy strikes.

With tragedy, we are already reeling. We need a big hug, someone to validate our feelings, to share the moment.

That is what eases the pain.

It is not the run to anger or blame. It's that soft landing spot, holding us... holding us together.

That is what allows us to heal.

This wasn't a photo op. This was a genuine expression of grief with grace.People say they want to see our country united...
02/14/2026

This wasn't a photo op. This was a genuine expression of grief with grace.

People say they want to see our country united. At least in grief, we are.

This is a rare gesture among opposition leaders. Being human together.

Do know however, this isn't by accident, but nor is it a ploy. It represents the sensitivity and humanity of Mark Carney.

This is how bridges may be built.

I couldn't imagine another current leader facilitating such empathy and compassion.

Grief with grace.

02/14/2026

No one likes to get caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

It doesn't matter what that cookie jar represents, whether it's gambling debts, an affair, or even a kid who literally stole a cookie.

No one likes getting caught.

We all want to get away with things, particularly those that could cause trouble yet give us some sort of pleasure.

So, people lie.

They lie to avoid responsibility, culpability, accountability. They lie to preserve ego, identity and trust. They lie to live another day.

When the evidence is blatant, overwhelming, believe the evidence.

The evidence is not something to be argued. The lie is not something to be debated.

Any further dialogue not aligned with truth and responsibility is likely gaslighting. It's aim is to minimize, explain away the issue or cast blame elsewhere.

Don't buy it. Don't engage.

Truly, the fastest way to put most misbehavior behind us is to own it, take responsibility and look to make things right.

When one's integrity is damaged the result of an untoward deed or action, that full acknowledgement and responsibility goes far towards restoration.

Exceptions to restoration include when the behavior is clearly unlawful, immoral, violent or somehow destructive.

When that is the case, the offender may continue to lie and obfuscate.

There, evidence matters and likely an outside source to facilitate accountability and restoration.

So, never be surprised when met with a lie to cover a misdeed.

Don't press on the lie. Hold up the evidence. Be firm.

02/14/2026

Oh sweet love, let it land softly, gently.

Let it uplift the spirit and nourish the soul.

Be it a love that doesn't restrict but makes for growth.

In it let there be safety from harm and healing from past hurts.

If not that, then leave me be, pass on.

For the love I seek is one that caries us forever more.

May your Valentine be such a love.

02/13/2026

People continue to shake their heads wondering how some 30% of Americans can still believe in Trump.

There are at least three reasons:

The first is something called the Dunning-Kruger Effect.

Briefly stated, some folks over-estimate their own intelligence. In so doing, they fail to recognize what they don't know.

In over-estimating their own intelligence they lose the capacity for self-awareness to recognize what they don't know. (More crassly put, they are too stupid to recognize their own stupidity.)

The second reason is a cognitive bias where having invested themselves in a belief system so deeply, they don't want to feel like their investment is a waste and so they commit further. It's like doubling down on a bet you can't let yourself lose.

The third is that their values are actually aligned.

They, like Trump are inherently racist and if some identified target group does worse than themselves, they're actually OK with that. It's just the price of their prejudice.

These three reasons may operate independently or in combination.

Just like you can have a cold and a broken leg at the same time, you can be racist and stupid or even intellectually sophisticated simultaneously.

Singularly, in combination or altogether, the likelihood of these folks coming around is limited. Sure, it can happen. Just don't bet the farm on it.

It's all part of the human condition that reasonable people must work with.

02/13/2026

I watch my page. Closely.

I look for emojies that are inconsistent with the content. If in then reviewing their page it seems that this person holds views contrary to factual information or views that promote hate or discrimination, I block the person from my page.

I read each and every comment. Occasionally I may miss one or two, but that is rare.

Where comments are on the edge, I look at the page of the person commenting.

At my discretion I then remove and/or block persons whose comment is outright rude, representative of far right or Christian nationalists or white supremacist views.

Also at my discretion I delete comments and may block persons who post misinformation.

Further, at my discretion, I will delete comments and may block persons whose comments are directly disrespectful to someone else who has commented.

I celebrate those comments that truly further the intent of the post, are supportive of others and offer reasonable and fact based information.

I seek for my page to be a safe place for persons who may be targeted adversely by those on the far right, Christian nationalists and white supremacists.

I value inclusion and policies and views that promote social harmony, safety for all, mental health and social support.

My page isn't for everyone.

However those who follow have helped make it a space that promotes wellbeing, healing, with fact based guidance and support.

This page has become a caring community.

Assuming the above fits, please find yourself welcome.

If you are curious about the content and views, you are welcome to also follow and see if the information and perspectives work for you. Do know however, I do not debate or argue over my views or values.

Please do not seek to engage with alternative opinions, particularly with matters seen as politically sensitive. Those comments will be deleted. The person may be blocked.

If the page just doesn't sit well with you for whatever reason, then please move on. No issue.

I seek to have clear boundaries. I do the best I can to maintain them.

Thanks for reading this post. It truly is appreciated.

I trust this all makes sense.

And to think, I used to only say, "Please be nice."

Address

Keswick, ON

Telephone

+19056284847

Website

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Shortcuts

Share

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on LinkedIn
Share on Pinterest Share on Reddit Share via Email
Share on WhatsApp Share on Instagram Share on Telegram

Category

Our Story

Hi folks. I work from my home in Keswick, Ontario. People can see me in person or through video conferencing worldwide. I provide a range of counseling and conflict resolution (peacemaking) services to support people, families, relationships and children. Need help? Please see my services and fees on my website: www.yoursocialworker.com