10/16/2025
After loss, pregnancy is different. A mix of instant joy and a fear you can feel through your bones.
The waiting stretches longer. 3 weeks 6 days pregnant. Only 36 more weeks to go. Download 3 apps, join all of the groups. Every woman feeling just as uncertain as I am. A tiny inconspicuous community.
The silence between heartbeats feels heavier.
The scans come often yet never quite enough.
The unknowns loom larger,
and the hopes feel more fragile.
Try to remember this is a marathon, not a sprint.
How do I try to put something out of my mind that is literally growing inside of me by the minute?
But then; a flutter. A “did I really just feel that?”
Then each kick, a reminder I’m not alone. A reassurance in fact. I push on my stomach to feel one more.
Each heartbeat, music to my ears would be an understatement. More like a symphony. I catch myself counting along with the doctor.
He smiles with his eyes and assures me this number is normal.
Because I know loss I know that I am endlessly blessed to have brought two beautiful boys safely earthside.
In them, I see God’s faithfulness,
the reminder that He never leaves
what He has begun unfinished.
But still, there’s an ache followed by me wondering,
Were you my little girl?
Or my third sweet boy —
a baby I carried only for a moment,
but hold within my heart forever.
What a gift,
to be chosen as your Mama,
even if only for a little while.
Lucky me.
I am changed, simply because I knew you. I have imagined you since the day you left me.
Until we meet again.
💗💙🥰
