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https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists/randi-elizabeth-ohare-london-on/427417

Randi O’Hare, Psychotherapist, Old East Village Health Quarters 532 Adelaide Street N, London, ON (2025)

11/16/2025

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11/15/2025

The past might explain the wound, but the present is what makes it impossible to heal. Your adult child didn't cut contact because you made mistakes twenty years ago; people forgive imperfect parenting all the time. They cut contact because you're still making those same mistakes now, still denying their reality, still refusing accountability, still treating them with the same disrespect that defined their childhood. The issue isn't ancient history. The issue is that you've dragged that history into every interaction since, refusing to evolve whilst expecting them to keep tolerating who you've chosen to remain.

Most mothers in this position won't accept that, your child gave you chances. Multiple chances. They tried setting boundaries you ignored. They attempted honest conversations you turned into arguments about their ingratitude. They offered roadmaps for maintaining a relationship if you'd just respect basic limits and you rejected every single one because you believed your right to behave however you pleased trumped their right to be treated with dignity. They didn't leave impulsively, they left after exhausting every other option and realising you had no intention of changing.

You can't keep pointing to your childhood trauma, your mental health struggles or how hard you tried as a mother whilst simultaneously refusing to acknowledge the harm you caused. Your pain doesn't erase theirs. Your difficult past doesn't give you a lifetime pass to be difficult now. They're not asking you to have been perfect, they're asking you to be accountable, to see them as whole people rather than extensions of yourself, to stop gaslighting them about experiences they lived through. These aren't unreasonable demands. They're the bare minimum for any healthy relationship.

The mirror you need to look into isn't the one showing who you were when they were children. It's the one reflecting who you are right now; today, in this moment, without them in your life. Are you using their absence to play victim to anyone who'll listen? Are you rewriting history to cast yourself as the abandoned mother rather than the one who refused reasonable boundaries? Are you still blaming them for protecting themselves from you? Because if you are, you're proving exactly why they had to leave. The problem isn't that they can't forgive the past. It's that you're still actively being the person they needed distance from.

Change is possible, but it requires genuine self-examination, not performance. It means acknowledging specifically what you did wrong, understanding why it was harmful and demonstrating through consistent action; not words, that you've fundamentally shifted. Most mothers never do this work. They demand reconciliation without transformation, wanting their children back without becoming someone safe to come back to. If you're truly interested in understanding why they're gone, stop looking for someone else to blame. The answer is in the mirror. And until you're willing to really see it, that distance will remain exactly as necessary as they determined it to be.