01/07/2026
Motherhood has been one of the biggest initiations of my life. As we move out of the preschool years, I can see all the ways it has changed me.
When I decided to become a mother, I thought the fertility challenges were the real initiation. I remember justifying that struggle with ideas like “it will happen when it is meant to” or “being patient now will make me a better mom later.”
What I can see now is that there was no divine reason for my struggle. But I did use it as the beginning of a healing journey that led me to where I am today.
The real initiation of motherhood came after I reached my goal. I finally had a baby.
That was when I began to abandon myself again.
The habits and lifestyle changes I made to get pregnant slowly slipped away. Old wounds and anxieties I had covered over came back louder. I told myself I did not have time to face any of that again. The priority was my baby.
But I felt flat. Restless. Distracted.
I made myself busier and told myself I would feel better when the next stage passed. I did not.
So our family values shifted. Mike became intentional about giving me time to use however I needed. Once I released the guilt around taking that time, I started leaning into it.
The pressure eased.
My edges of tolerance widened.
I took more space. I let others tend to me. I allowed myself to be nurtured instead of always being the one holding everything.
I also returned to deeper inner work, without excuses.
I did not let motherhood become the reason I abandoned myself.
Not because I need to be perfect, but because I want my children to experience me as grounded.
I want them to feel what it is like to be with someone who can move through activation and challenge, and then return to ease.
I want them to benefit from a mother who is present, because she is not depleted.
That is what motherhood has given me.
I am grateful for who I have become, and for who I am still becoming because of it.