Natalie Luchtmeyer Counsellor

11/06/2025

During our last argument, my girl told me straight up: "You know what I realized? When we disagreed, it never feels safe. With you, every disagreement turns into an argument, then into silence, then into something bigger than it ever had to be. I’d bring things up hoping we’d talk, hoping we’d find understanding, hoping we could reach each other, but instead, I leave the conversation feeling worse, carrying a heaviness I didn’t anticipate.

A healthy relationship turns conflict into connection. It’s a chance to grow closer, to listen, to understand, to heal together. But with you… I’ve just learned to stay quiet, because it’s easier than trying to be understood. It’s exhausting to constantly feel like my words will be twisted, minimized, or used against me. I find myself shrinking my voice, holding back my thoughts, protecting myself from pain instead of sharing my heart. I’ve realized I’m no longer speaking up because I want to communicate—I’m speaking up only to survive the fallout.

And that’s not love. That’s surviving. I’ve come to understand that a relationship should feel like a safe place, a space where we can be honest without fear. But with you, I can’t do that. Every time I try to express myself, it becomes a test I’m destined to fail. I’ve learned to weigh every word before I speak, to filter my emotions, to second-guess my feelings, because the consequences are always bigger than the discussion itself.

I’ve realized that being in this dynamic isn’t just draining—it’s shaping me to silence myself, to question my worth, to wonder if my feelings even matter. And that’s not the life I want, that’s not the love I deserve. Love should be mutual, nurturing, validating, and calm. But with you, I’ve stopped expecting that. I’ve stopped hoping for connection and started protecting my own peace instead. Staying quiet has become a survival mechanism, a shield against being misunderstood, dismissed, or invalidated.

And maybe that’s the hardest part—understanding that the person I wanted to share everything with has become someone I feel I cannot reach. It’s painful to admit, but I’ve learned that silence sometimes isn’t about giving up—it’s about preserving the part of me that still believes I deserve to be heard, to be valued, and to be safe."

10/29/2025

Helpful
Distinction

"Gaslighting" has become a common part of our vocabulary—unfortunately, it also comes with some common misunderstandings.

Merriam-Webster currently defines gaslighting as “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one’s own advantage,” but that definition merely reflects how the clinical term has been broadened and oversimplified. As psychologists explain, specific factors make a behavior gaslighting instead of disagreeing, correcting, or trying to persuade someone that they're right.

The word "gaslighting" is derived from a 1938 play called "Gas Light," which was subsequently adapted as the film "Gaslight" in 1944. In that story, a young woman's new husband—who had, unbeknownst to her, murdered her aunt 10 years prior—tries to make her think she's losing her mind. He manipulates her environment (for instance, by repeatedly dimming the gas lights) but denies that anything odd is happening, making her question her reality. His deception was deliberate—he hoped to drive her mad so he could institutionalize her and steal a cache of jewels that were hidden in her aunt's house.

That storyline, the husband's tactics and the reason for them provide helpful context for what gaslighting is and isn't.

Psychology Today defines gaslighting as "an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth."

Robin Stern, Ph.D., wrote the 2007 book "The Gaslight Effect," which helped popularize the term that she says is now losing its meaning. "People often tell me that someone gaslighted them when, in fact, what they are describing is mere disagreement," she writes in Psychology Today.

Here's how she describes it:

"Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where one person’s psychological manipulation causes another person to question their reality. Gaslighting can happen between two people in any relationship. A gaslighter preserves his or her sense of self and power over the gaslightee, who adopts the gaslighter’s version of reality over their own."

Ahona Guha D.Psych offers a definition that includes some key factors:

"Gaslighting is a pattern of behaviour, usually intentional, designed to make someone question their own reality, memories, or experiences. The lesson is simple: When identifying gaslighting, look for a pattern (i.e., one time is not enough), and for behaviour that seems intentional or malicious (think 'No, you are over-reacting because you are too sensitive, it didn’t happen that way')."

If we define gaslighting as simply misleading or confusing someone, it becomes easy to mislabel all kinds of normal, imperfect human interactions as such. Disagreements, remembering events differently, and even trying to convince someone of your viewpoint are not gaslighting unless they involve some specific elements. Read more about the misuse of the term below.

10/27/2025

My husband hugged me from behind and said, "Thank you so much for everything you did today,” then kissed me. A moment later, my toddler walked up, hugged me from behind, and said, "Thank you for making me soup, Mama," then kissed my arm. Your children see everything. They watch and learn from the way we interact with others, especially our partners. They absorb our words, actions, and tone, and they use them as a blueprint for their own relationships.

In this moment, my husband's affectionate gesture and words of gratitude were not only a display of love for me, but also a lesson for our child. Our toddler saw the way his father showed appreciation and affection, and he mirrored that behavior. He felt comfortable expressing his own gratitude and love, and that's a beautiful thing.

As parents, we have the power to shape our children's perceptions of relationships, love, and communication. We can model healthy habits, respect, and empathy, and they will likely follow suit. By showing our children what it means to be in a loving relationship, we can help them develop essential skills for building strong, meaningful connections with others.

10/16/2025

💜💙

10/06/2025