03/06/2025
i cried in class the other day.
i was telling a story about my kid and became emotional. it snuck up on me, i wasn’t expecting it.
i’m not embarrassed or regretful. with the intimacy of this space and the general support from students it felt ok. but it is still shaky ground for me.
i have trained myself in classes to show up as real but not emotional. ‘be yourself but not your emotional self’. which is mostly appropriate, sure. but it’s also a paradox as my real is naturally very emotional.
when i come close to sharing something of meaning, my throat tightens or my voice shakes. it’s a sort of automatic protection: be careful what you say, don’t embarrass yourself, what if you say something you’ll regret, what if you cry?!
my throat has been protecting me like this for years. but i don’t think it’s useful anymore. it bottles what i want to say and goes against a desire i have for everyone to feel, be and express who we are, as we are.
tears may surface again, but i do expect more shakiness in my voice and uncertainty fluttering through my body as i continue w this process of allowing the words to move from my heart through my throat and out into the wild.
📸
