01/26/2026
Abusers use strategies to isolate, control, and punish their victims. There’s power in naming and breaking down these strategies, and identifying how they impact victims and those around them.
One strategy that I’ve seen time and again in my work is what I call the “the fresh start fantasy.”
The abuser senses that their victim is pulling away. Maybe the victim threatened to leave or has already gone. The abuser knows they’re losing control, and they must reel the victim back in.
They convince their partner that they just need a fresh start. They find a great new job far away. New job, new town, new life. A fresh start. In this fantasy, future stressors are gone and the relationship is saved.
Or maybe they see their doctor. They get diagnosed with depression or bipolar and leave with a prescription. Once they start their new meds and see a therapist, everything will be better. A fresh start. Relationship saved.
Sometimes, it shows up as a marriage proposal or suggestion to have a baby.
Abusers pull out the “fresh start fantasy” during the “honeymoon” phase of the abuse cycle when the usual promises to change start to lose their power.
The abuse cycle
The abuse cycle typically looks like this:
-Assaultive episode: The abuser lashes out. It might be a physical attack, verbal attack, or some other kind of outburst.
-Honeymoon phase: The abuser apologizes, promises to change, commits to doing better. They’re on their best behaviour. The victim feels hopeful.
-Tension building: The abuser has not changed and can’t maintain their best behaviour. Normal stressors occur and the abuser blames their partner and their contempt rises.
-Assaultive episode: The abuser lashes out again in another assaultive episode.
Over time, the honeymoon phase usually gets shorter and often disappears entirely. The assaultive episodes usually escalate and get worse over time.
Externalizing responsibility and solutions
The fresh start fantasy externalizes responsibility for the abuse then offers a plausible solution.
For example, the issue isn’t the abuser’s behaviour, it’s financial stress. They just need a plan to make more money, then everything will be OK.
Or the issue is conflict and stress caused by the victim’s family. Once they move further away, the stress will be gone, and everything will be OK.
Or (a classic!) the abuse is caused by mental illness. Once the abuser starts their new medication or therapy, everything will be OK.
The fresh start strategy doesn’t just reel victims back in. It actively worsens isolation, especially when abusers move their victims far away from friends, family, and supports.
The fresh start fantasy internalized
Victims of abuse can internalize the fresh start fantasy and can start to create their own versions. When the responsibility for abuse is externalized from the abuser and placed on the victim, she can start to look for solutions inside herself.
For example, once she takes the online program that promises to improve her communication, things will be OK. Once she loses weight, finds a job, or stops being “crazy”, then things will finally be OK.
It’s no surprise that this is an effective strategy. This “fresh start” approach is engrained in western culture.
Every January, people engage en masse in the fantasy that January 1 will be a fresh start. New year, new me! The diet industry thrives on it. It’s part of celebrity culture; magazine covers at the checkout aisle report on celebrities with tiles like “new love, new life!” as though any change is a brand-new start.
It’s easy to internalize because it’s everywhere.
Breaking the fantasy
Breaking the fantasy is necessary to escape abuse, but it can be dangerous and comes with costs.
When family, friends, or helping professionals challenge or poke holes in the fantasy, victims may get angry as their hope is threatened. They want – or need – to believe that things are going to get better. They may not be ready to let it go.
Abusers may work harder to isolate the victim, casting the helper as an obstacle to the promised new life.
What do you do?
If you recognize this pattern in your own relationship, name it. Consider whether the fantasy holds up. What is the likelihood that the fresh start is really going to change your partner’s behaviour? What is the likelihood that you could end up in a worse situation? What do the people you trust think?
Remember to be compassionate with yourself as you try to sort out fantasy from fact.
If you’re a family member, friend, or professional helper and you recognize this pattern in someone else, name it. Remember that the person you’re supporting may not be ready to see the pattern. If you point this out to them, they may not be able to see it yet. It can still help to name what’s happening for yourself so that you can understand what your loved one is up against.
If they are not ready to see it, don’t try to force them, it won’t work. You probably really want them to leave their partner. But, if they leave before they’re ready, it could make things worse. The best thing that you can do is support them and be there for them when the fantasy inevitably breaks.
