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It Takes Practice Counseling Services, 30 Davison Drive, Red Deer, AB (2026)

03/03/2026

Is your "flexibility" actually fueling resentment?

We’ve been taught that being a "team player" means being agreeable. But in conflict management, the Accommodating Style (constantly putting the other person’s needs above your own) can be just as damaging as being aggressive.

When you accommodate by default, you aren't resolving conflict; you’re just burying it. Think "sweep under the rug".

Why habitual Accommodating is ineffective:

The Martyr Effect: Eventually, the weight of "giving in" becomes too heavy. It leads to burnout and a deep sense of resentment toward the person you’re trying to please.

Loss of Valuable Input: If you always agree, the relationship loses the benefit of your unique perspective. True collaboration requires contribution, not just compliance.

The "Moving Target" Problem: If you don't express your needs, your partner or colleagues can't learn how to support you. You end up feeling neglected for needs they didn't even know you had.

When is it actually a good strategy?

Accommodating is a tool, not a lifestyle. It works best when:

You realize you are genuinely in the wrong.

The issue is much more important to the other person than it is to you.

You want to "bank" goodwill for a high-stakes issue in the future.

The Bottom Line:

A relationship where one person always yields isn't a partnership; it’s a lopsided dynamic. For a relationship to be truly collaborative, both sets of needs must be on the table.

Respecting the other person shouldn't require you to disappear.

03/02/2026

Winning the argument but losing your partner?

In a truly collaborative relationship, the goal is "Us vs. The Problem." When we slip into a Competing Style, the dynamic shifts to "Me vs. You."

The Competing Style engages rigid boundaries. It is all about standing your ground, being unyielding, and using whatever power you have to "win." While it might get you your way in the short term, the long-term costs in a partnership or team are steep.

Why Competing is often ineffective:

It creates "Losers": If you win, it means someone else had to lose. In a relationship, "losing" breeds resentment, bitterness, and a desire to "get even" later.

It shuts down communication: When one person always "wins," the other person eventually stops sharing their ideas or needs because they feel it’s pointless.

It destroys Psychological Safety: Collaboration requires vulnerability. If you treat every conflict like a battle, people will stop being honest with you to protect themselves.

When is it actually useful?
There are rare times when this style is necessary:

In an emergency where a quick decision is life-or-death.

When protecting yourself against someone who is being exploitative.

When an unpopular but vital decision must be made for the safety of the group.

The Reality Check:
If you find yourself "winning" most of your arguments, take a look at the state of your relationships. Are people agreeing with you because you’re right, or because they’ve given up on fighting you?

Real power isn’t the ability to dominate; it’s the ability to integrate different perspectives into a better solution.

03/01/2026

We need to talk about the cost of "just letting it go."

In our efforts to keep the peace, we often default to the Avoiding Style of conflict.

It feels safer in the moment to stay silent, but "peace" maintained through avoidance is usually just a placeholder for future resentment.

When we habitually avoid conflict, we aren't actually solving the problem—we’re just subsidizing it with our own stress.

The Downside: When Avoiding Fails You

The "Slow Burn": Unaddressed issues don't disappear; they ferment. Small frustrations eventually turn into major blowups or complete emotional withdrawal.

Blocked Growth: In collaborative relationships, conflict is often the "friction" that sparks innovation. When you avoid the friction, you stay stuck in the status quo.

The Trust Gap: When team members or partners know there’s an "elephant in the room" that no one will mention, psychological safety disappears.

However, Avoidance isn't always a mistake. It is a strategic tool—if used sparingly.

It’s ineffective as a lifestyle, but effective as a tactic when:

You need to regulate your nervous system before a high-stakes talk.

The issue is truly trivial and won't matter in 24 hours.

You are in a physically or psychologically unsafe environment.

The shift: Instead of avoiding the issue, try delaying the timing.

Moving from "I’m not talking about this" to "I’m not ready to talk about this yet, and I will come back later to talk about it" changes avoidance from a wall into a bridge.

02/28/2026

Conflict isn’t a sign of failure. Conflict in relationship is inevitable.

Understanding the different conflict styles can help collaborative relationships.

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model shows that our effectiveness to manage conflict depends on how we balance two things: Our needs, and the other's needs.

Here are the 5 Strategic Conflict Styles. Which is your "go-to"?

1. Avoiding (Low Assertiveness / Low Cooperativeness): You sidestep the issue.

2. Competing (High Assertiveness / Low Cooperativeness): You pursue your own concerns at the other person’s expense.

3. Accommodating (Low Assertiveness / High Cooperativeness): You yield to the other person's point of view.

4. Compromising (Intermediate Assertiveness & Cooperativeness): You look for an expedited "middle ground" where everyone gets some of what they want.

5. Collaborating (High Assertiveness / High Cooperativeness): You work together to find a solution that fully satisfies both parties.

02/27/2026

The right message to the wrong "audience" is still a missed connection.

We often spend so much time rehearsing what we want to say that we forget to consider who we are saying it to.

In any relationship effective communication requires "reading the room." If you want your needs to be met, you have to package them in a way the other person can actually unpack.

Before bringing up a difficult issue, ask yourself these three "Audience Insight" questions:

1. What is their current capacity? Is your partner exhausted after a 10-hour shift? Is your coworker staring at a looming deadline? Pushing an issue when their "emotional cup" is full is a recipe for defensiveness, not resolution.

2. How do they process info? Some people need data and logic; others need to hear how a situation feels. If you speak "Logic" to someone who speaks "Emotion" (or vice versa), the core of your issue gets lost in translation.

3. What are their triggers? We all have them. If you know a certain phrase or tone shuts your audience down, find a different path. The goal isn’t to be "right"—the goal is to be understood.

The Bottom Line: A collaborative relationship isn’t just about being honest; it’s about being effective. Respect your audience enough to choose the right time, the right tone, and the right language.

02/26/2026

It’s not just what you say; it’s the state you’re in when you say it.

Have you ever tried to resolve a conflict while your heart was racing and your "fight-or-flight" response was in the driver's seat?

Usually, it doesn't end well. When we communicate from a place of high emotion—anger, exhaustion, or defensiveness—our message often gets buried under our tone.

To build stronger, more collaborative relationships, try checking these two boxes before you hit "send" or start the conversation:

Check your Emotional State: If you’re at a "10" on the stress scale, your message will sound like a "10" to the receiver. Take five minutes to breathe. Regulating your nervous system first ensures you're speaking from your values, not just your impulses.

Clarify your Intent: Ask yourself: "Am I speaking to be heard, or am I speaking to win?" When the goal is collaboration, the message should focus on the solution, not just the grievance.

The Golden Rule: If the emotional "noise" is too loud, the needs in your message won't be heard.

Wait for the calm. Then speak your truth.

02/25/2026

Silence isn't "Peace"—It's a Slow Erosion.

In a truly collaborative relationship, speaking your needs isn’t "being needy." It’s actually an act of service to the partnership.

You are responsible for creating the collaborative relationship culture you desire.

Here is why voicing your needs is a vital responsibility in a healthy team:

1. Your Partner Isn’t a Mind-Reader
When we don’t speak up, we set our partners up to fail. Collaboration requires data. By sharing what you need—whether it’s more quality time or help with the chores—you’re giving your partner the "operating manual" they need to love you well.

2. Silence Feeds Resentment.
Unspoken needs don’t disappear; they just ferment. They turn into "sighs" in the kitchen, passive-aggressive comments, or emotional withdrawal. Speaking up early keeps the air clear and the resentment low.

3. Vulnerability is the Glue
Bringing a need forward says: "I trust you enough to tell you what's missing for me." This vulnerability is what transforms a "roommate dynamic" back into a deep, soulful partnership.

4. It Models Permission
When you take the lead in being honest about your needs, you create a "safe container" for your partner to do the same. You move from a culture of "guessing" to a culture of "asking."

A collaborative relationship isn't one where both people are perfectly satisfied at all times—it’s one where both people feel safe enough to say when they aren't.

02/24/2026

Asking for what you need doesn't have to be a battle.

In fact, when done right, it's one of the fastest ways to get closer to your partner.

Next time you’re feeling a gap, try building a bridge with these 4 steps:

Be specific and direct. Don't hint!! Clear requests prevent the "mind-reading" trap. Your partner should NOT read your mind or "know what you need" without you telling them.

Focus on connection. Frame your request around the "we." The goal isn't just getting a task done; it’s about making the relationship function smoother for both of you.

Be vulnerable. This is the secret sauce. Instead of leading with a "complaint," lead with the feeling behind it. "I've been feeling a little overwhelmed lately and could really use some support" hits much differently than a demand.

Timing matters. Don't drop a heavy request when they’re walking out the door or mid-argument. Ask, "Is now a good time to talk about something I’ve been thinking about?" Respecting their bandwidth ensures they actually hear you.

Read more about the difference between demand and request here:https://www.ittakespractice.ca/post/request-vs-demand-relationships-boundaries

02/23/2026

Are you making a Request or a Demand?

Ever wonder why some conversations go smoothly while others lead to instant tension? It often comes down to the difference between a request and a demand.

A Request is an Invitation
The Vibe: Polite, flexible, and respectful.
The Key: You are genuinely okay with hearing "No" or "Not right now."
Example: "Would you be willing to help me with the dishes?"
Outcome: Connection, collaboration, and trust.

A Demand is an Order
The Vibe: Forceful, rigid, and controlling.
The Key: You are not okay with "No." Saying no usually leads to blame, guilt-trips, or punishment.
Example: "You need to do the dishes now."
Outcome: Resentment, defiance, or fear.

The Secret Test?
How do you react when they say "No"?
If you feel anger or frustration, it was a demand.
If you feel empathy and curiosity, it was a request.
Next time you need something, ask yourself: Am I allowing them the freedom to choose?

02/23/2026

Boundary Summary
Here is a comparison chart for you to help visualize the Boundary Spectrum.

Most of us use all three types of boundaries.

You may have effective boundaries at work, porous ones with your family, and rigid ones with new romantic partners. The goal isn't to be a "wall", but a "gate, knowing when to open up and when to stay closed for your protection.

02/22/2026

When boundaries go from being "protective gates" to "impenetrable walls," they become rigid boundaries. While these are often built as a defense mechanism to avoid past hurt or trauma, they can ironically lead to the very thing many of us fear: isolation and disconnection.

The Signs of Rigid Boundaries:
The "Wall" Effect: You keep others at arm’s length, rarely sharing personal information or showing vulnerability, even with those you’ve known for a long time.

The "One Strike" Rule: You are quick to cut people out of your life at the first sign of conflict or hurt, leaving no room for repair, apologies, or growth.

Hyper-Independence: You refuse to ask for help, even when you're drowning, because you view needing others as a weakness or a loss of control.

Unyielding Rules: You have strict "policies" for your life and refuse to be flexible, even for special circumstances or the needs of a loved one (e.g., "I never do X, no exceptions" ).

Surface-Level Connections: Your relationships stay "safe" and shallow because deep intimacy requires a level of openness that feels too threatening.

Why Rigid Boundaries Can Backfire:

While these walls feel safe because they prevent anyone from getting close enough to hurt you, they also prevent anyone from getting close enough to love you. Rigid boundaries can make partners feel punished, distanced, or like they are walking on eggshells around your "rules".

Shifting Toward "Firm but Flexible":

Reflect on the Fear: Ask yourself, "What am I trying to protect myself from with this specific rule?".

Practice Small Vulnerability: Try sharing one small, "medium-stakes" feeling with someone you trust to see how it feels to be seen.

Allow for Nuance: Recognize that not every mistake is a betrayal. Sometimes, a boundary can be a conversation rather than a "door-slam".

The Insight: A healthy boundary isn't a brick wall; it’s a filter. It keeps the bad out while letting the good in.

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02/21/2026

While porous boundaries can leave us feeling drained, effective boundaries do the exact opposite: they create a sense of safety, respect, and long-term intimacy.
Think of effective boundaries not as a "No Trekking" sign, but as a clear map that shows people how to love you well without getting lost.

What Effective Boundaries Look Like in Action:

Direct Communication: You state your needs clearly without making the other person guess. (e.g., "I need 20 minutes to decompress after work before we talk about our day.")

The Power of "No": You can decline a request without a mountain of excuses or crushing guilt. A "no" to them is a "yes" to your own well-being.

Emotional Ownership: You can be empathetic toward a partner’s bad mood without letting it ruin your own day. You offer support, not a sponge.

Selective Vulnerability: You share personal information at a pace that matches the level of trust in the relationship.

Consistent Consequences: You know what you will do if a boundary is crossed, and you follow through to protect your peace.

Why Effective Boundaries Work:
Boundaries actually reduce resentment. When you stop saying "yes" when you mean "no," you stop building up bitterness toward the people you love. They allow you to show up as your full, authentic self rather than a version of you that is burnt out and overextended.

How to Start Setting Them:

Identify your "Glitches": Notice when you feel resentful or annoyed. That’s usually a signal that a boundary is being crossed.

Use "I" Statements: Focus on your experience. "I feel overwhelmed when..." instead of "You always..."

Prioritize Self-Respect: Remember that setting a boundary is an act of kindness toward the relationship.

The Shift: Moving from "I hope they don't cross the line" to "I know exactly where my line is, and I’m okay with protecting it."

It Takes Practice Counseling Services

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