07/24/2025
We have all heard about gaslighting, but today I was made aware that we can gaslight ourselves to preserve others comfort. I asked Chatgpt to explain this and give examples how this can show up. I felt this could be helpful for everyone to know. Do you see how you might do this? or even be the someone others are protecting?
**Gaslighting ourselves to preserve others' comfort is a form of self-abandonment that often feels like "keeping the peace," but it actually creates deep inner conflict and long-term damage to our self-trust.
Here are examples of how this might show up, especially in a long-term relationship or within families:
1. "Maybe I'm overreacting."
Even though your gut knows something is wrong, you minimize your feelings to avoid confrontation or to keep them from feeling blamed.
“He didn’t mean it like that.”
“It’s probably just my hormones.”
“I’m being too sensitive again.”
✅ Reality: You’re having a valid emotional response. If you keep ignoring it, you lose the ability to trust your inner compass.
2. "they are trying, so I should be more patient."
You silence your discomfort or needs because the other person seems to be putting in effort — even if it's minimal or inconsistent.
“He’s not perfect but at least he’s not abusive.”
“He did help yesterday so I shouldn’t be upset today.”
✅ Reality: Effort doesn’t equal effectiveness. Good intentions don’t erase harmful dynamics or unmet needs.
3. "It’s not that bad."
You downplay how deeply something affects you in order to avoid rocking the boat.
“It’s not like he cheated.”
“There are people in worse situations.”
✅ Reality: Pain isn’t a competition. Just because it’s not the worst-case doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for your life.
4. "I’m being selfish."
You feel guilty for wanting space, clarity, financial freedom, or emotional support because it makes the other person uncomfortable.
“He’s trying his best; maybe I should just be more understanding.”
“He’s finally making an effort. How can I walk away now?”
✅ Reality: Self-honoring is not selfish. If meeting your basic emotional or physical needs causes someone discomfort, that’s their growth edge — not your problem to solve.
5. "Maybe I wasn’t clear enough."
You take full responsibility for miscommunication even though you’ve already stated your needs multiple times.
“I should’ve said it better.”
“Maybe I confused him.”
✅ Reality: Clarity is important, yes — but so is being heard. If someone keeps “not understanding,” it may be avoidance, not confusion.
6. "they had a hard life, I should cut him some slack."
You excuse mistreatment because you know someone’s trauma history or struggles, even when they repeatedly hurt you.
“He’s doing the best he can with his past.”
“I don’t want to trigger his shame or make him feel worse.”
✅ Reality: Compassion is beautiful — but not at the cost of your own emotional safety.
7. "If I just work on myself more, things will get better."
You internalize the idea that if you heal more, communicate better, or change enough, the dynamic will magically improve.
“It must be my tone.”
“I need to be more regulated so he doesn’t react.”
✅ Reality: You are not responsible for someone else’s behavior, reactivity, or unwillingness to grow.
8. "This is just how relationships are."
You tell yourself it's normal to feel unfulfilled, unseen, or exhausted — because challenging that would require hard changes (like separation, conflict, or loss).
“No relationship is perfect.”
“I signed up for better or worse.”
✅ Reality: Relationships require effort, yes — but they should also bring ease, joy, safety, and reciprocity. It’s not normal to feel like you're carrying it alone.
❤️ How to Know You're Gaslighting Yourself
You feel increasingly anxious but don't know why.
You feel guilt or shame when expressing needs.
You second-guess your memories or perceptions.
You find yourself editing your words to avoid their reactions.
You feel invisible in your own life.
