12/04/2025
Well, here I am 5 years later.
I am months away from round 4 of parenting a 10 year old, and I gotta say, that I still don't really know what I am doing. 4th times' a charm? Maybe.
And yeah, that goes for parenting a 15 year old too. I constantly feel like SO MUCH is on the line. That the problems are bigger and not always mine to solve. I often find myself wishing for when the biggest problem was that the red cup was dirty and I forgot to bring a snack in my bag.
But here's what I have learned since I wrote this piece.
When you boil down to it, it is actually not that much different parenting these big kids and teens. Just like when they were babies and toddlers, they just need us to keep showing up. To show an interest in what they're interested in. To listen to them (to REALLY listen to them). They need us to keep putting in the work to regulate our own nervous systems. And yes, they still need plenty of snacks and sleep.
When my clients ask me if it ever gets easier, I can never just say "yes, of course it does!" Because it doesn't really get easier. Some days may be easier, yes. But in the end, the hard just changes. And if I had to guess, I think that's the way life is when you are a parent. Even when your kids grow to adults, the hard just changes.
So yes, it's not going to be THIS kind of hard forever. You won't feel the same bone deep exhaustion that you are carrying around forever. You'll change your last diaper and give your last bottle. You'll rock your baby to sleep for the very last time and you won't even realize it for months or years later. And that hard will give way to a new kind of hard and you'll have to adjust again.
And even when you're in the hardest of the hard, there is still moments of joy. They may be small, but they're there, and that's how we get through those really hard days. (And why, I think, so many older people have such rose coloured glasses on when they look back on their children's babyhood).
So, my suggestion to you: look for those glimmers of joy. Even if it's as small as the uncracked ice on a puddle or a warm shower after a long day. Those glimmers will bring the light on the darkest days. Oh, and snacks. Always have snacks - no matter how old your kids are.
Today I came across this quote in a video from The Doula Toolbox: “Confidence is a muscle that needs consistent action to build and grow.”
And I had to stop when I heard that because while Rebecca was talking about something related to doulas, I realized that that was also so applicable to birth and parenting, and really, my life right now.
My eldest son is 10, and I was not prepared for this stage. Babies and toddlers? I’ve done those stages 4 times with my own kids, and more with friends and clients. I am fully confident in my abilities to handle whatever babies and toddlers may throw at me – yes, even things that aren’t meant to be thrown. But this 10 year old stage is brand new to me. So, I’m learning how to be a parent of a 10 year old now, and it is way harder to figure this all out that I anticipated it would be.
All this to say:
Maybe you’re feeling like you don’t know how to do this baby thing.
That you don’t know if you’re making the right decisions.
That you wish that there was a handbook to tell you how to do this.
That you feel like you’re floundering trying to figure it all out.
That you’re messing everything up.
That you can’t do it all – PS, you can’t. Those other parents aren’t doing it all either.
Maybe you feel like you can’t do it at all.
That you’re gonna mess up your kids somehow and they will never forgive you.
We have all felt this way as parents at one time or another.
I know that this stage is hard and wonderful and some days you are laughing and crying in the same 5 minutes.
I know that you look at other parents and think, “How the heck are they finding this so easy? Why can’t I figure it out like they have??”
I know that you think that because I used to think the same thing. I look back at some of the decisions I made and things I said with my first child when he was a baby and I cringe at how I used to feel.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret - most of those parents who seem to have it all figured out are also winging it. At one point, they also had no idea what they were doing. Even on my fourth baby, I found myself thinking all of those above thoughts. But the difference was that I had previous experience with my other babies that grew my confidence in my ability to wing it.
So, know that you are not alone in feeling like you have no idea what you’re doing, and know that you can grow that confidence, one step at a time! Part of what I love about working with postpartum families is helping build up their confidence so that they feel ready and able to handle anything that parenthood brings them – and also to grow the confidence to ask for help when they need it too!
I’m sure that by my 4th child, I’ll have confidence in my parenting abilities with this 10 year old stage too. Which is probably a good thing because at that point I will also be learning how to parent a 16 year old!
