Tom Burton Counselling

04/04/2025

My new office in my favourite neighbourhood of Victoria at the Fernwood Hub.

11/20/2024

I am now back working in Victoria, BC. I am building my visibility to attract new clients. As part of that I wrote an article that has been published on my website.

Tom Burton Individual and Couples Counselling Victoria, B.C. Canada

03/24/2023

10/21/2022

So true….

Emotional validation is a combination of empathy, understanding, and words. Maybe you can’t relate to why your partner feels the way they do in a given situation, because you would feel differently in the same situation. But you CAN relate to the feeling without agreeing with the circumstances surrounding the feeling. Feelings are part of being human and everyone has felt sad, mad anxious and scared at one time or another. That’s all you need to have experienced in order to validate. What causes you to feel these things is unique to you, and what causes your partner to feel pain is unique to him or her. When you can add the layer of being able to intellectually make sense of their feelings, validation is even more powerful. Again, you DON’T NEED TO AGREE WITH THE CIRCUMSTANCES OR THAT THEIR BEHAVIOR WAS OKAY.
Here’s an example. Your partner is worried about money. You aren’t. You believe your finances are in order. Your partner is the type that has fear around money and no matter how much they have, will probably still have anxiety around money. Your partner brings up money and the stress they’re feeling.
Invalidating: “I don’t know what you’re so stressed about. We’re fine. I know your family went bankrupt when you were a kid, but that’s not happening with us. We’re fine.”
Validating: “I really get how scared you get around money. It makes sense considering how hard it was for you during the bankruptcy. I’m really sorry this is such a struggle for you. Yes, I have different experiences around money and we’ll have a find ways to work with each other, but for now I just want you to know that I see how hard this is for you, and I’m here to support you.”
Many people fear that validating will make the feeling worse. Paradoxically, allowing space for feelings will make it far, far more likely they’ll be settled.

09/13/2022

This is a feature by a colleague from the Couples Institute.

https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fcouplesinstitutecounseling.com%2Fpremarital-counseling%2F%3Ffbclid%3DIwAR1tOrHYOuw9LZag6U4mtAfZZuHU-zqYILBnpjhsKnkBizrurri26uyXt1o&h=AT21Y9V3z8MPuXxSsD3WGY4VAUG5Nf3GHF3njvpF4fd1UM844gn7XJm1ooMlRdC_w4v9K7NQiTCSCp_QQyxjcrhUHrhvYYez67oGklNYoPo5IitXyz05AdUEViqjVv98lRyDu_W3BsCW&s=1

“In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all

09/05/2022

Secure relationships are defined by met attachment needs between partners.
All relationships have moments of unmet needs, so it’s important to keep in mind that secure attachments aren’t perfect. Rather, they have an overall climate of met attachment needs, with periods of bad weather. For example, you might know in the big picture that your partner appreciates you (climate), but every now and then something gets said that leaves you feeling unappreciated (weather). Although the periods of bad weather are uncomfortable and require work to get through, securely attached partners have the skills and motivation to do it. In this way, the moments of bad weather don’t add up to a new climate.

06/29/2022

It is possible to retrain your brain to feel safe!

01/27/2022

Thank you ❤️