Transformations Zurich

16/06/2022

https://terryreal.com/

I've ordered my copy.

09/06/2022

https://goop.com/the-goop-podcast/gwyneth-paltrow-x-terry-real-moving-toward-true-intimacy/

“I teach people how to put themselves aside and listen and respond with generosity,” says Terry Real (founder of Relational Life Therapy). “Our culture doesn’t teach us how to do these things. We have to learn them.”

Terry not only discusses his work as a Couples Therapist but also his personal experience of breaking the family legacy of rage and violence in order not to pass it on to his two sons.

Terry Real doing what he does best.

“I teach people how to put themselves aside and listen and respond with generosity,” says therapist Terry Real. “Our culture doesn’t teach us how to do these things. We have to learn them.” In this open conversation with GP, Real explains why individualism and patriarchy has damaged our ab...

31/05/2022

If you are interested in the Alfie Kohn book I posted previously, 'Unconditional Parenting' but haven't got as far as buying it yet, here is Alfie being interviewed on the TILT Parenting Podcast.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/7wKb8WIJkIz7mfxFTtLHSw?si=680dbc5d9477458a

17/05/2022

I'm halfway through this brilliant book, 'Unconditional Parenting' by Alfie Kohn. I do my best to stay open and curious and that can mean being ready to accept that certain beliefs or views that I may have held are not necessarily accurate. I was of the opinion that specific effort-focussed praise was advantageous to children's development and neuro-plasticity but this book, and the studies cited in it, are opening me up to the possibility that positive responses to behaviours can be just as detrimental as criticism because the message that the child receives is that they are only lovable/worthy when they behave in the way that we deem acceptable. In other words, they learn that their self-worth is contingent on the views of others.

Here are some of Kohn's alternative recommendations for supporting our children's growth in order for them to be happy, and to be concerned about whether other people are happy:

- Care about them
-Show them how a moral person lives
-Let them practice
-Talk with them
-Let them be a part of the problem-solving
-Step outside of their own viewpoint, Perspective Taking

We have started practicing some of these in our household in the last week and we are already collectively experiencing some of the benefits.

03/05/2022

https://thewisdomoftrauma.com/

I have only watched the trailer of this documentary so far but I'm already quite sure that it is worth watching and will be doing so at the first opportunity I get. Gabor Maté has done, and continues to do, vital work, addressing the root of most addictive behaviours and many physical ailments; trauma.

Have you seen this documentary yet and, if you have, what did you get from it?

03/05/2022

19/04/2022

This is Terry Real's RLT (Relational Life Therapy) Feedback Wheel. You can find more details about the Feedback Wheel process in his book, 'The New Rules of Marriage'. I have found this Feedback Wheel invaluable in both my work with couples and families and also, honestly, in my own relationship.

Here's a summary of how you and your partner can make it work:

- Make a contract with your partner to do the process. Don’t just dump without them being aware that you would like them to take part in the process.

- Remember that listening is just as vital as taking your turn to talk. If/when you hear your thoughts or interpretations coming up, notice it happening and then bring your focus back to what your partner is saying.

- Use these four steps of the feedback wheel:

1. What I saw or heard was... (stick to objective observations e.g. 'Your eyebrows were lowered' instead of 'you looked angry')

2. What I made up about it was... (or 'the story I made up about it was...')

3. How I felt about ... (stick to listing emotions here 'sad', 'angry', 'hurt' etc)

4. What I’d like now/moving forwards is... (focussing on what you want instead of what you don't want in the future. General wants are okay as long as you describe specific actions/behaviours that will help to fulfill those wants.

Let go of the outcome.

- It's your partners turn to talk and your turn to listen as attentively as you possibly can.

What do you think? It would be great to hear how you got in. You can comment in the posts below.

You can also get in touch if you would like to find out more about how to improve your relationship.

14/10/2020

This is a great article from Esther Perel (yes, her again!) about financial tensions in relationships. Many of us often find money difficult to talk about generally, depending on the 'family rules' for commenting on finances that we grew up with.. And yet the uncertainty and upheaval created by the events that have unfolded this year make opening up conversations about money with your partner even more essential.

Esther says, 'As we embark on making new financial and emotional plans, getting to the heart of what money represents for us, and deepening our financial partnerships, these are the questions to ask each other now.'

-What does having money mean to you?
-What does it mean to be good with money?
-Did your family talk about money growing up?
-Do you think your parents were good with money?
-On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate how we spend our money?
-If I spent $100 on something and didn’t tell you, would you be
upset with me? How about $1,000?
-What decisions do we make about money that are individual
versus team?
-Why don’t you buy me gifts? / What do you think about when you
buy me gifts?
-What is your biggest money regret or mistake?
-What keeps you up at night about our finances?
-Do you appreciate the gifts I buy you? Why or why not?
-Why is it so hard for you to ask for a raise?
-What would we do if one of us were laid off?
-How have the events of this year changed how you think about
our finances?
-What are our financial goals?
-Do you feel like we're on track financially to achieve our goals?
-What’s one money habit that you admire about me?

If you don't have time to read the full article, here are the questions

23/09/2020

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQgRBnqpoQw&t=1s

This makes me smile.

How spiritual people fight will give you an inside look at the ultra spiritual ferocious fighting lingo that happens with the most spiritually awake people. ...

12/08/2020

It was my Pa who first told me about Buckminster Fuller, a very long time ago. I listened a bit back then, but not enough. It's only now that I'm finding out for myself what an exceptional person Fuller was; an architect, designer, systems theorist, inventor, author, and futurist who committed his life to thinking independently which included a commitment to "the search for the principles governing the universe and help advance the evolution of humanity in accordance with them ... finding ways of doing more with less to the end that all people everywhere can have more and more".

After the death of his daughter, Fuller became deeply depressed and contemplated committing su***de by drowning in the lake of Michigan. This was a transformational moment in his life because he experienced a profound moment when, as he described it, a voice spoke to him, saying the words posted below.

Thanks Pa.