Maya Tomse Counselling and Psychotherapy

05/11/2022

As a psychotherapist one never stops learning and educating themselves. It's a commitment that you make when entering this profession.
Whenever new clients enter the room you're faced with something new, different, unique. And because of each person's uniqueness, as therapists, we are obliged to continously invest into our knowledge.

That's what I love about being a therapist.

This evening I had the privilege of participating in Esther Perel's live supervision sessions that I left feeling energised, connected and hopeful, and with my pocket filled with new tools to use with my clients.

23/10/2022

Just finished reading this book. It was written by one of my favourite psychotherapists Irvin Yalom and his wife Marilyn Y. before she sadly passed away. It's written in a real simple way although it touches some very deep feelings and provokes many thoughts on our own mortality and that of our loved ones.
The book is also a beautiful story of one couple's journey through life together.

Yalom has been known for his writings and research on life endings and death anxiety. He talks how most of our anxieties come from being scared of the end approaching.
I can definitely relate to that one.

What about you?

19/09/2022

Most people have this perception that therapy is only for those people who might not feel that they can cope with demands of every day life anymore. Let me tell you something - this is one of the biggest myths when it comes to therapy.
Nowadays many people strive to be better human beings, better friends, partners, parents and so on, and many of them believe that by being in personal therapy as much as they are investing in themselves, they are also investing in their relationships with others.

12/09/2022

'Reinforcing' is a very important tool to use in a relationship. For example, if your partner comes to you, hugs you and says 'I love you', and you like it when they do that, saying to your partner something like 'I like when you hug me like that'/'I love it when you do this' is reinforcing their behaviour. By doing this you reassure your partner that what they are doing is what you need and want. Very simple yet powerful tool in a relationship.

08/09/2022

In a relationship partners may establish some sort of a status quo. This may mean being willing to be happily together even when there are things that are not as perfect but perhaps there is not an immediate need to change anything. This status quo can be like a contract between partners, stating 'I am here because I want to be here'. The unspoken contract.

Often, people come to couples counselling when something disrupts the status quo and there is a crisis and things they were willing to live with they may no longer want to accept. This is extremely difficult for couples and often affects all aspects of their lives, their health, work and sometimes even other relationships. But what people often do not see is that this period may actually bring a great change and movement within the relationship. Something most relationships need once in a while.

*x

07/09/2022

Many times when couples enter therapy room they have a specific topic they want to talk about and resolve. Sometimes this involves their way of communicating with one another, sometimes it is their s*x life and intimacy, other times parenting etc.
In many, if not all occasions it becomes clear that there is something underneath it all, that is usually hidden from our awareness, but strongly connected to our first experiences in being in a relationship - with our parents/caregivers.
It is crucial to spend some time there exploring this to be able to connect the dots later, to see what is it that gets triggered when you do communicate, when you do have s*x or talk about it or when you argue about parenting.

Take a leap and stay there for a while with your therapist - would be my advice.

*x

01/09/2022

We hear and read many different opinions and theories in life. Some speak to us, and some do not. One of the theories that I connect to is a theory that says we learn love from our parents, our first caregivers. This theory is called a Theory of Attachments. It suggests that the ability to form a stable relationship in adulthood starts to form in infancy, in a child's earliest experiences with a caregiver who reliably meets the infant's needs for food, care, warmth, protection, stimulation and social contact.
If this worked well it is usually much easier to form good and sturdy relationships in later life.

There are many kinds of relationships (parent-child, friendship, intimate relationship etc), but in order to maintain any kind of a relationship that we can call good, it requires constant care and communication. Devoting some time and attention and accommodating differences are some of specifically important traits in fostering a good relationship. Simple, right? 😉

18/07/2022

The Independent approached me asking about my professional experience on a topic of 'parental regret'.

I wish I read something similar before becoming a parent. Not that it would have changed my decision on having a child, but it would have perhaps helped me feel a bit less guilty in those moments when I wasn't too happy being a mum and when it was just so damn hard to be one.

There's so much that we feel but struggle to express as we think no one would understand and people would judge.
And people will judge, some of them.
But there are many others who will truly understand where you will be coming from. And with 'normalising' our feelings (a tool many therapists use with their clients) we come closer to being okay with what was a big struggle to begin with.
Maybe a strange concept but very effective.

As America comes to terms with the overturning of Roe v Wade, which will deny many women the legal right to an abortion, Laura Hampson investigates the growing number of mothers admitting to parental regret, and speaking out for the first time about the toll that this resentment can take

08/07/2022

Another of my articles (What is polyamory and is it for me?) published within Counselling Directory - one of the biggest promoters of talking therapies (counselling and psychotherapies) in the United Kingdom. 💪

To check it out click on 👇
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/what-is-polyamory-and-is-it-for-me -cookies

*x

06/07/2022

Romantic relationships have always been the topic of interest as they are the most important and intriguing factor in people's lives. Everybody tends to love and be loved.

Monogamy is very much the norm in most societies although there have always been cultures where things have been different. Polyamory, as a type of relationship has existed for a long time but it hasn't been on the mainstream radar until recently.

I have been fortunate to work with people who present themselves as 'poly' and was able to gather some of their insights on polyamory - as just one of the s*xuality types. If you want to know a bit more about what polyamory is check out my latest blog 👇

https://mtcounselling.co.uk/news/what-is-polyamory-and-is-it-for-me/

*x

20/06/2022

Being in couples therapy or individual therapy are two fairly different experiences.

1. In individual therapy you get the whole hour to yourself while in couples therapy you share those 50 minutes with your partner.

2. Focus of individual therapy is on You, while the focus in couples therapy is on Your Relationship.

3. Individual therapy is not as directive as couples therapy can be. 'Directivness' depends on your therapist's approach as well.

4. Usually there is a specific problem that a couple wants to focus on in couples therapy, while in individual therapy focus might not be as clear at times, especially at the beginning (i.e. a person might 'just' want to feel better or get rid of the anxiety that they've been feeling etc.).

All these factors will determine which therapy you will need and which you will benefit from most. Sometimes couples choose to have both at the same time but I encourage every couple to think about whether this is a good choice for them. Speak to your therapist(s) about this as, sometimes, taking one step at a time and focusing on only one therapy, whether that's individual or couples', might be much more useful for both you and your partner, and your relationship.

16/06/2022

One of the new popular terms that is being talked about is called 'toxic productivity'. It is defined as "an obsession, or addiction to being productive and it results in one’s self-worth being measured by levels of productivity".
Things that usually lead to 'toxic productivity' are:

1. An extreme need for a distraction,
2. Feeling an acute need for validation from others,
3. A need for things that give you a sturdier sense of self and your own life purpose.

We may say that 'toxic productivity' is merely a new term for, what has been known under the term 'workoholism'. And this is what is mainly being covered by different articles.

But I believe it goes much wider than that and it actually covers all aspects of life (work, relationships, parenting etc.).

If you feel you are not doing enough even when you are doing a lot or too much might be a good sign that you came under the spell of a 'toxic productivity'.

Now, most of the articles note why 'toxic productivity' is bad and what it can lead to if it is not being addressed soon enough. The symptoms include all the usual symptoms connected to burnout: chronic fatigue, insomnia, headaches, stomachaches, anger, isolation, irritability, depression, anxiety, and more.

Still, authors rarely or do not write about what is the underlying mechanism that feeds this kind of behaviour. This 'thing' that does not allow us to stop, take a moment, reflect, or maybe, only maybe, even to do nothing at all, is called 'feeling (not) good enough'. And this feeling truly sucks so we want to get rid of it by over-stretching ourselves and over-doing things.

To be able to address this feeling and work on it it is necessary to slow down and unpick what is underneath. If this is not done, being toxically productive will not go away - ever.