Phil de la Haye IFS, Alveston (2025)

24/11/2025

You are the only one who has the power to change things.
This is true for mindbody healing as well as mental health (because they’re one and the same).
How does this make you feel? For some of us this can seem like great news. There is something we can do to help ourselves. But for others this can be daunting. We may not want to engage in the hard emotional work of journalling, self-inquiry, or changing our habits and patterns.

Your symptoms aren’t your fault. You didn’t ask for this.

But ultimately change comes from within, and as the saying goes: if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.

You DO have the power to move towards healing. It’s right there inside you. Start with small manageable steps, be kind to yourself when you fall off the horse, but get back on each time and keep believing that change is possible.

21/11/2025

"Never push yourself or try too hard - but do not give up either.
Making a choice to go slowly and easily, to never force anything, to challenge yourself without pressure or judgement, are important principles in healing work." (Janina Fisher)

One of the challenges of healing is finding that sweet spot between sticking with the tools and practices we're using to help ourselves, but not pushing ourselves so hard that we create more internal stress.

I find it helpful to view this struggle as coming from polarized protective parts of us who are trying to help us in different ways.

Resistance is the brake. Resistance protects us from doing too much too fast. It protects us from overwhelm, or feeling re-traumatized if we don't yet have the resources to support ourselves through being triggered. There is wisdom in our resistance, but it can keep us stuck.

Pushing through is the accelerator. The urgency to heal. The "I must!" energy in our system. This urgency keeps us fighting and seeking solutions, and won't let us give up.
There is value in the determination and drive of these parts, but they can push us beyond our capacity.

We all need to find our own rhythm of healing. Part of the process is learning to tune into in to our bodies and knowing when to push (gently) and when to pause (temporarily).
We won't always get it right!
But each time we get stuck or push a little too far, we learn a little more about what our system needs. Then we can course-correct and keep going... gently, patiently, one day at a time.

17/11/2025

Do I have to make changes in my life in order to heal from chronic symptoms?�

The short answer: Probably, but they don’t always need to be drastic life changes. Also sometimes the changes will be an organic part of the healing process.

The long answer:
Chronic symptoms are our body’s way of communicating with us that something isn’t right. The problem might be mainly on the inside: internal stress created by patterns of negative or critical thinking. But the problem can also be on the outside: stressful jobs, toxic relationships, financial worries, or a global pandemic.

Some of those things on the outside we can’t change, but we have some control over others.

How much you need to change depends on your unique situation. You may not need to leave a relationship, but you might want to start working on communication with your partner, or working on setting some boundaries with people in your life.

It might not be possible for you to change jobs or careers right now. But can you take any steps to improve your work/life balance? Even small changes can often have a surprisingly positive effect.

If you’re feeling isolated, you could make the effort to connect with others.

If you’re bored and unfulfilled, find a new hobby to bring some fun or creativity into your life.

What changes might support your healing?

14/11/2025

Many people with chronic symptoms tell me that nothing bad happened to them. They ask me “Why am I like this? My childhood was fine.”

But attachment trauma can be subtle and hard to spot, especially when our internal protective systems tend to be very organised around denying and minimising our experience. Family loyalty can also play into this. We don’t want to blame our parents.

Trauma isn't just about bad things that happened.
Trauma can also be about things that didn't happen.
It can be about something missing that was desperately needed.

Our parents may have been doing the absolute best they could. But attachment trauma can be passed down the generations, and is impacted by the child-rearing norms of the culture and society that we are born into.

Many of us experienced chronic disconnection in our families of origin, and that can have a deep and lasting impact in our nervous system until we work on healing that for ourselves.

Does this resonate for you?

12/11/2025

Befriending and taming your inner critic.
Have you ever asked your inner critic how old they are?

Many of our hardworking manager parts (inner critics, perfectionists, people pleasers) are actually inner children. They’ve got stuck doing these jobs in our system because they think we need it. They’re doing their best to keep us safe.
But most of them don’t enjoy the roles they’ve been forced into.
Many of them would rather have more time to play and enjoy life.
They’ve taken on all this responsibility for keeping you safe, and they’re EXHAUSTED.

Try approaching them with curiosity instead of animosity.

When you befriend these protective parts and they start to trust in Self (aka: the you who is not a part) to take care of yourself, they will usually relax back and chill out a little. You’ll still need them sometimes, but they won’t have to be so extreme or work so damn hard all the time.

Try exploring them through journalling, meditation, drawing, therapy, talking with a trusted friend… and see what you can discover about these hardworking little people who live inside your system. Maybe even see if you can express some gratitude for what they do for you.

Your inner critic might seem mean, but when you get to know them I bet you’ll find they’re just a scared kid who is doing their best to avoid criticism from others.

10/11/2025

Can I change my personality traits such as self-criticism, perfectionism etc?
Yes! These personality traits (or parts in IFS terms) may not disappear completely, but they can soften, shift and become less of a driving force in your life.

The process of journalling and mindful awareness with self-compassion helps with personality change in much the same way that therapy does.

By getting curious about your patterns of thinking, behaviour, and your ways relating to yourself and to others, you open up the possibility for change. When we try to understand and appreciate these protective parts of ourselves, we stop fighting them, and then they will naturally soften and stop working so hard.

Personality change can be explained in terms of neuroplasticity - i.e. the brain rewiring itself. So in the same way that we can learn pain-free pathways to override the old pain pathways, we can also learn new pathways of thinking, behaving, and relating to ourselves and to others.

Working on soothing the nervous system is also important, because safety in the nervous system provides the optimal state for rewiring our brains.

07/11/2025

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.”
This is one of my favourite quotes, from Carl Rogers, the father of person-centred therapy.
Through an IFS lens, this is all about accessing Self energy.

When we can befriend and offer love and acceptance to all the different parts in our system, those parts are able to unburden and transform.

Change occurs organically in the compassionate presence of Self energy. We don't need to strive to make change happen, we just need to try and love ourselves (and all our parts) more.

This concept is also key in recovery from chronic symptoms. Cultivating acceptance and outcome independence helps us to stop focusing so hard on symptoms and being frustrated by them. When we let go of the desperation to find a solution and stop trying so hard to heal, paradoxically, symptoms will often soften.

As I consider this quote and take it in, I feel lighter. All the manager parts in my system breathe a collective sigh of relief as they remember that it's okay to relax. They don't have to keep trying so hard. They just need to leave enough space for me to be here too.
Meanwhile a sceptical part nudges me and says "yeah, but that's easier said than done!"

What happens inside you when you read this quote?

05/11/2025

Stress related symptoms are REAL SYMPTOMS!
It’s not all in your head – but the solution involves using the mind as well as the body to heal.

I have personally experienced excruciating pain that was completely unrelated to any injury. It was emotional in origin - specifically repressed emotion. It’s hard to believe if you haven’t experienced it, but stress (including repressed emotions) can create physical symptoms that are as real and painful as those from a broken bone.

For more information on recovering from stress related symptoms see my other posts or check out the resources on my website www.phildelahaye.com (link in bio).

03/11/2025

The Drama Triangle through an IFS lens

I've always found the Drama Triangle useful for understanding conflict in relationships. But I wanted to look at it through an IFS lens.

I don’t particularly like the terms victim or perpetrator as some of my parts react to them very negatively. But I’m using them here because they are the terms used in the drama triangle.

If I'm feeling upset, annoyed, overly worried about, or otherwise activated by someone else, it's usually an indication that I'm being taken over by a part that lives in one of the points of the triangle. And when I get curious about what's going on in me (and what's going on in them), that helps me to access more perspective and compassion for both of us.

We can move to different points, but the position we are in will often tend to push the other person into a different one.
So for example, if we are blended with an exile and therefore at the victim point, this is likely to activate either caretaking parts in others who want to rescue us, or frustrated judgemental parts who want them to “snap out of it”.
Likewise if we are stuck in caretaking mode, this can disempower others (and keep them stuck in the victim corner), or it will enrage them: “Stop trying to fix me!”�If we are in the perpetrator mode of anger or criticism towards others, then they will either try and appease or pacify us (similar to caretaking/fixing) or they will be hurt and intimidated (exile/victim).

Does this help you understand challenging interactions with other people in a new/different way?

31/10/2025

How and why should I journal about personality traits?

In the mindbody world we recognise that those of us who experience chronic pain and other symptoms often tend to have some similar personality traits (or different ‘parts’ of ourselves in IFS terms).

Some of the common traits are: people pleasing, caretaking others (and neglecting ourselves), perfectionism, a need to control (ourselves and/or others), judgement and criticism (towards the self and/or others).

These traits can cause a lot of invisible, internal stress because of the way they effect our thoughts and behaviours.

For example:

People pleasing usually leads to poor boundaries and putting other people’s needs before your own. This can generate a lot of unconscious anger and resentment.

Perfection is impossible, so perfectionism sets you up for disappointment. It can result in you feeling constantly frustrated and ashamed, or criticising and judging yourself (and others) for not being good enough.

The need to control is driven by anxiety. Attempting to control outcomes is self-defeating because you can never control the future, or other people. Trying to do this only leads to frustration, anger and more anxiety when you inevitably “fail”.

When journalling, try and explore these traits with self-compassion. They are adaptive strategies that are your brain’s way of trying to protect you. Consider when you adopted these patterns, and what was going on in your life at the time. But also explore how they are causing your stress, and learn to notice when these parts of you get activated. When you start to understand them better, and are able to have more compassion for yourself, there is usually a softening, and the patterns become less rigid and fixed.

29/10/2025

Journal prompt
First ask yourself the familiar question: How am I feeling?
Those of you who follow me will know this is generally the way into emotional journalling. Turn inwards and notice what feelings are there that might need expressing.

But the next step adds in a whole new layer of self-discovery:
How do I feel about what I'm feeling? (or "How do I feel towards that part of me?")

This is where we can start to notice internal judgement, criticism, shame, guilt, fear, or resistance that might be holding us back from allowing other emotions to be fully felt. In Internal Family Systems we recognise these as parts that are trying to protect us by keeping us away from emotions these parts fear will overwhelm us, or get us into trouble with other people.

If you notice these protectors in your system, hang out with them for a while. Get curious. Befriend the critic, the judge, the guilt etc. See if you can listen to them and understand why they’re there. When they learn to trust the YOU that isn’t a part, they’ll eventually make space for other emotions to rise and be felt. But in the meantime, respect them and be patient. If you ignore them, they’ll only get stronger.

27/10/2025

Mindbody Health Tip: Reduce your screen time!
Yes… I am aware of the irony of sharing this on social media ;)

We all have different things that we do to distract ourselves or check out of life for a while. Scrolling slightly obsessively on social media is definitely one of mine. I can go online telling myself I’m only going to respond to things that require a response… and then an hour later I come up for air and realise how much time has passed. And when that happens I don’t usually feel relaxed or nourished by what I’ve just been doing. If anything I feel tense and anxious.

But habits are hard to break, and it takes some intentional action to make changes. Some of the things I’ve done to help me reduce my ‘mindless’ scrolling and make my screen time more mindful are:�
Setting clear intentions about how I use my time and limiting my use of social media.�
Using a timer to prevent the “oops where did that hour go?” phenomenon.
I try not to keep my phone in my pocket unless I’m expecting an essential call
I’ve ‘hidden’ some of the time-suck apps by putting them in a folder on the last scroll screen on my phone, so it takes more effort to open them.
I’ve turned off most notifications, and actively choose to have my phone on silent a lot of the time (obviously I need to do that for client work anyway)
Sometimes I put my phone on airplane mode as an extra barrier to getting sucked in!
I leave my phone out of my room at night so I’m not tempted to look at it first thing in the morning

Not all of these will be desirable for you, but I invite you to consider whether there are any changes you might like to make. Or if you're already doing this, what has worked for you?

Phil de la Haye IFS

24/11/2025

21/11/2025

17/11/2025

14/11/2025

12/11/2025

10/11/2025

07/11/2025

05/11/2025

03/11/2025

31/10/2025

29/10/2025

27/10/2025

Address

Website

Alerts

Shortcuts

Share

Category