Phil de la Haye IFS, Alveston (2026)

02/01/2026

Understanding Blended States
Getting to know and understand your nervous system can be really helpful when it comes to healing. We often think about the nervous system in terms of three distinct states.
🟨Rest and digest. The state of safety and calm (also known as ventral vagal).
🟥Fight/flight activation that mobilises us ready to get out of trouble (sympathetic).
🟦Flop/collapse or a state of immobilization (dorsal vagal).

However, these states aren’t discrete and separate from each other. They can be blended to form three more states.

🟪Freeze: sympathetic + dorsal = high arousal in the body but immobilized. One foot on the gas and one on the brake.
🟩Safe stillness: ventral + dorsal = a sense of safefy with deep relaxation and stillness
🟧Play: ventral + sympathetic = a sense of safety combined with mobilizing energy

Can you notice these different states as you go about your day?
Where do you spend more of your time? Do you sometimes feel stuck in one or other of these states?
Are there any that are less familiar to you?

Remember that the measure of a healthy nervous system is your ability to shift states as appropriate depending on your environment.

If you notice that it’s hard for your nervous system to change gear, this is something you can practice. Retraining your vagus nerve can help bring back flexibility to your nervous system. Search for vagus nerve exercises on YouTube for more info.

This post is based on Polyvagal Theory and the work of Stephen Porges and Deb Dana.

31/12/2025

When I was younger some parts of me used to grab onto the idea of New Year Resolutions. I'd go into January with all these good intentions: exercise more, give up chocolate, stop drinking alcohol, stay on top of my inbox, go to bed earlier etc.
Does this sound familiar?

For those of you familiar with the IFS model, you will probably recognise that these plans were coming from my well-intentioned managers. Managers are proactive protectors that try and organise and control our lives.
Mine have great intentions around my health, but they used to come with a rigid and critical edge and a lot of intensity and urgency.

I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear that sometime around mid-January, all the best-laid plans of my managers would start to unravel. I might have a bad day at work, a stressful evening with my kids, see bad news on the TV... Something would activate some vulnerability in me (an exile) and then my firefighters would swoop in to help.
Firefighters are reactive protectors who try and soothe and distract us from the big feelings of our exiles.
Mine would have me reaching for the gin/chocolate/TV remote/video game controller, and numbing and distracting me from the discomfort of my vulnerability.
Then I'd be pulled back into an old familar polarization between my strict, critical managers and my "f**k it, we don't care about the consequences!" firefighters all over again. And the cycle would continue until next time my managers were able to regain control for a while.

My invitation to you this New Year
Tune in to your heart, and try and find some Self-led intentions that will support your growth and healing.
But consult your protective parts about it.
Involve them in the discussion.
Listen to the concerns of both sides.
Can you help them to find some balance between discipline and chaos, work and play, abstinence and excess?

This internal conversation is a wonderful way of supporting lasting change.

29/12/2025

Dan Siegel's 4 S's of secure attachment are: Seen, Soothed, Safe, and Secure. He teaches that this is what children need to get from their caregivers in order to develop a secure attachment.

We can use these same principles to help create a secure internal attachment with our parts (our inner children). Because our parts (just like actual children) also need to feel seen, soothed, safe, and secure.

They feel seen when we notice them, pay attention to them, and listen to what they want to tell us or show us.

They feel soothed when we practice internal co-regulation with our parts. By comforting the ones who feel scared, or alone. By bringing understanding and validation to parts who hold anger.

They feel safe when they are able to notice that we're there, and we care about them. They feel safe when we can bring them compassion and acceptance and just be with them as they are.

They feel secure when we keep showing up for them day after day, and they can trust that our grown up Self is always there to take care of them.

For more information on Internal Family Systems, check out the resources on my website. Link in bio.

26/12/2025

One of the most useful things that I've learned from the Internal Family Systems model is how to unblend when one or more of my parts get activated.

'Parts attacks' are a normal part of being human.
Whenever we notice any strong emotions, activation, over-thinking, or a feeling of freezing or shutting down, it's always safe to assume that this is coming from a part.

Blending (or flooding if it's extreme) is what happens when our parts take over and there is little space left for our adult Self to stay behind the metaphorical wheel of our system.

IFS teaches us to do a U turn - or a YOU turn - whenever we feel activated, and check inside to see what parts need our attention.

One of the best ways to do this is to pause, take a slow conscious breath, and notice what's going on inside. "Who inside is reacting right now?" Then when can notice our parts with curiosity we can name what's happening to ourselves (or to other people if appropriate in the situation).
"Wow, a part of me is feeling a lot of anger right now."
"A part of me was really hurt by what just happened."

Just the act of pausing, breathing, noticing and naming can help parts to unblend, so we can access more of those wonderful C qualities of Self energy: curiosity, calm, compassion, clarity etc...

Next time you feel activated or triggered by something, try the You-Turn. Like anything else, unblending is a practice. But the more you do it, the easier it gets.

23/12/2025

Disclaimer: If you are genuinely in an unsafe situation then that is not the right time to use these affirmations. But if you are physically safe (even if it doesn’t feel that way) then try this:

Take a deep slow breath right down into your belly, hold for a moment and then release your breath slowly while you repeat to yourself three times:
“Right now, in this moment, I am safe.”

If it’s hard to sound convincing, then try rewording it to something that doesn’t feel like you’re gaslighting yourself. For example:
“Right now, even though some parts of me are anxious. I am safe.”
“Right now, even though it’s hard to believe it, I am safe.”

If even that feels difficult to say with conviction, then start with:
“Right now, even though some parts of me don’t feel safe. I accept myself and my feelings.”

This is my most-used affirmation. When I was in the earlier stages of mindbody recovery I told myself some version of this safety affirmation every day, multiple times. And I still use it regularly in times of stress or crisis.

Sometimes it isn’t easy to believe it when my anxiety is high, but when I breathe deep and slow, and repeat this over and over (in my head or out loud) it gradually helps my nervous system to calm down a little. The affirmation helps create a sense of safety in my mind, and the breathing helps create a sense of safety in my body. This combination of a top down (from the mind) and bottom up approach (from the body) to soothing the nervous system is very powerful.

As my nervous system settles, any physical symptoms that my brain might be creating usually fade and sometimes disappear completely. Learning how to get yourself out of flight and create a sense of safety in your mindbody system is one of the most important things you can do to help with chronic pain or other stress related symptoms.

21/12/2025

In my experience, most of us have a complicated relationship with the holiday season. Depending on where you are in the world, there may be a huge amount of cultural pressure on you to be 'merry and bright' and full of 'good cheer'. But actually, most of us will be feeling a whole (not-so-heavenly) host of other stuff alongside that.
Some of us will identify with exhaustion, resentment, grief, loneliness, frustration, or all of the above. And for some folks, it can feel like there isn't any good cheer to be had.

Whether you're spending the holiday season with extended family, with a partner, or alone. The holidays can bring up a LOT of stuff for us.

My invitation to you
Try to be kind to yourself
Allow yourself to feel everything, even if it seems trivial or unreasonable
Be curious about why you are feeling the way you do
If you're activated by a person or situation, ask yourself: What does this remind me of? What parts of me might need attention right now?

Take time out
Journal, rest, meditate, breathe yourself full, walk in nature... Do whatever helps you to stay connected to yourself and your inner family of parts.
What supports you during this time of year?

19/12/2025

Doing the work vs living the work
When we first discover mindbody healing it can feel overwhelming. There is so much advice about what to do, and much of that advice involves things you have to find time for like journalling and meditation.

Now, Journalling and meditation are both wonderful and have been incredibly important to me on my own healing journey.

But when ‘the work’ starts to feel like a burden don’t be afraid to give yourself a break.
Taking a few days off, or allowing yourself to journal a few times a week instead of every day won’t set you back. In fact if ‘the work’ has just become another thing to stress about, then putting a little less pressure on yourself is sometimes exactly what you need.

Also, this work isn’t just about a daily practice that you fit into your schedule. If you do 'the work' but then spend the rest of the day criticising yourself and suppressing your feelings you probably won’t get very far. The point of a regular journalling/meditation practice is to learn skills that you carry through to the rest of your day.

When you lean into your feelings instead of pushing them away, you learn that it’s safe to feel. When you explore your emotional world and your personality traits and understand the wounds they evolved to protect, you learn self-awareness and self-compassion.

Eventually you get to a place where you are living the work.
Your eyes are open.
You’re aware of your triggers.
You notice your feelings in the moment and hold space for them at any time of day, not only while you’re journalling.
You practice self-compassion and radical acceptance 24-7, not just during a 10 minute meditation.

Once you have these skills they are always there for you, and you can use them whenever you need them.
So don't be afraid to take a break!

17/12/2025

Dr Schubiner talks about six behaviours/emotions that we often see in people with chronic symptoms (fear, focus, fight, fix, frustration, figure-it-out). �And Dr Schubiner quite rightly explains that these feelings/behaviours are counterproductive and tend to just create more stress in our nervous system and perpetuate symptoms.

For this reason, many people in the mindbody world advise practising indifference towards our symptoms. I’m not for a moment saying that those teachers are wrong. The ultimate goal is definitely to feel more accepting of our symptoms, because fighting them doesn’t help.

But…
For most of us that indifference feels impossible. Because there are parts of us that hate, fear and desperately want to fix the problem. And the more you try and ignore or reject those parts, the louder they will be.

The way out of this internal battle, is to befriend the parts that fear, fight, fix etc. Get into relationship with those parts (as well as the parts that use symptoms).
Understand why they do what they do. Validate them. OF COURSE they feel fearful/frustrated, and want to fight, fix and figure it out. Who wouldn’t?

Goal for healing: accept BOTH the symptoms AND the parts that hate/fear them.

When we can connect with and appreciate both sides, our parts can start to lay down their weapons and our nervous system breathes a sigh of relief.

15/12/2025

Are my relationships contributing to my chronic symptoms?

Chronically unsatisfying or toxic relationships can be a huge trigger for mindbody pain.

We all have a fundamental need for secure attachments to other people in our lives. We need to feel seen, heard, understood, and valued by the people we are close to.

These secure attachments can be with a spouse or partner, but can also be with family members or friends.

When this is lacking in our life, or when we have relationships where this need isn’t being met it can create dissatisfaction, tension and distress.
This can also activate young parts in us who hold attachment wounds from the past, which can then activate our protective parts leading to cycles of escalating conflict in our relationships.

Our relationships don't need to be perfect. But they do need to be "good enough."
If we are in relationships where we don’t feel seen, heard, loved or appreciated enough of the time, these basic attachment needs are not being met. This creates chronic stress, which can impact on our mental and physical health.

Even in positive relationships, our own insecurities and wounds from the past can cause problems in the present. So the more work we do to heal our own parts, the easier it is to stay connected to the people we care about.

Exploring our patterns in relationships, seeking more positive relationships, setting boundaries in old relationships, or being prepared to let go of toxic relationships can be an important part of healing from chronic pain and other symptoms.

12/12/2025

Rate where you currently fall on a scale of 0-10 for the areas listed below.
The goal is balance e.g. 5+ for all, not 10/10.
Low scores can show you where to focus your attention.

Education
Do you understand what causes chronic pain and other mindbody symptoms? Do you know what you need to do in order to recover?
Do you believe that you are dealing with a mindbody issue rather than a physical problem?

Mindset
Can you separate from your symptoms and not fear them or get angry with them? Are you able to practise acceptance/patience? If you notice symptoms, do you remember to focus on psychological rather than physical causes?

Emotional Work
Have you explored your past, and considered how it might be creating chronic stress and symptoms?
Are you using parts work (IFS) or inner child work to befriend different parts of yourself?
Can you recognise, be with your emotions as they arise?

Self-compassion
Can you notice and pause when you’re engaged in negative self-talk and invite in some self-compassion instead?

Movement
Are you able to move your body without fearing your symptoms? Have you created a regular habit of exercise?

Regulation
Can you relax? Do you know how to soothe your nervous system? Do you practise this on a daily basis, and in the moment when you’re triggered?

Boundaries
Are you able to say no? Do you set and maintain boundaries with people in your life? Can you speak up for yourself?

Connection
Do you have things in your life that bring you joy? Do you have close, authentic connections with other people?

10/12/2025

Repeat after me…
I AM ENOUGH!

Say it with feeling, even if some part of you is still unsure whether it’s true or not. If it helps, add a maybe: "Maybe I am enough."
Say it out loud to yourself until you start to believe it. Then keep saying it every day until you feel it in your blood and your bones and your heart.

Because you are enough. EXACTLY AS YOU ARE.

Most of us grow up with a lack of self-worth, because we try to be what we think we *need* to be in order to earn and keep the love of our caregivers. We grow up believing that we have to behave in a certain way, or look a certain way, or be good at certain things, otherwise we aren’t worthy of love and belonging.
In person-centred theory these limiting core beliefs are called conditions of worth. In IFS we call them ‘parts’. We all have them, but for some of us they are very strong and can cause us a lot of inner conflict and distress.

Journal prompt: What are your limiting beliefs? What do you think you need to be like in order to be worthy of love? Is that true? Can you imagine what it would be like to let go of some of these beliefs?

08/12/2025

When we engage in a journalling practice to support mental and physical health and wellbeing, we are trying to be our own compassionate witness for the younger parts of us who need to be heard.

Of course we can also benefit from being heard and witnessed by others. Supportive friends and family, therapists, healing communities all have huge value in supporting us in our healing work. We all need safe, secure connection. And sometimes the compassionate witnessing of other people is needed before we're able to access compassion towards ourselves. But telling our stories to other people isn't ultimately where the change happens.

Have you heard the saying "healing is an inside job"?

There is so much truth in this. Until we can change our
relationship with ourself (or from an IFS perspective: our relationship with
all our different parts), nothing really changes.
We can share our stories with trusted friends or a therapist, and they may meet us with kindness. This feels good in the moment. But the benefits can be undone in an instant if our inner critic is still beating us up and shaming us.

So how can journalling help?

When we engage in a journalling practice to support mental and
physical health and wellbeing, the goal is be our own compassionate witness for
the younger parts of us who need to be heard. We want our adult Self to be the
one who is doing that witnessing.
We can help ourselves access more of this 'Self-energy' by slowing down as we write, pausing, and checking in as we go, taking a break to breathe and soothe ourselves if needed.

The aim is to stay anchored in the present moment of safety,
while hearing from these younger parts.
You can try asking yourself these things:

How does it feel to write about this?
How do I feel towards this part of me and their
sadness/anger/fear etc?
Can I be compassionate with myself about this?
Can I stay present in the here-and-now, while acknowledging what
happened in the past and how hard that was?

Phil de la Haye IFS

02/01/2026

31/12/2025

29/12/2025

26/12/2025

23/12/2025

21/12/2025

19/12/2025

17/12/2025

15/12/2025

12/12/2025

10/12/2025

08/12/2025

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