Debbie Banks Relationship Coaching

26/01/2022

Coach Hailey Magee shares her personal story of trying to save a relationship, breaking up, and rethinking the illusion of control.

16/01/2022

Special thanks to Wim Hof & Teamhttps://www.youtube.com/user/wimhof1Short Documentary by The Mulligan Brothershttps://www.youtube.com/user/mulliganbrotherMer...

31/03/2019

It's easy to be critical

It’s easy to be critical.

“You’re always on your phone.”

It’s a lot more difficult to be vulnerable.

“I would like your attention.”

Try transforming a criticism into an expression of what you need. It takes courage, but you may be surprised with the result.

17/05/2018

https://www.facebook.com/GottmanInstitute/posts/10156112138820865

Parenthood is about raising the child you have, not the child you thought you'd have.

(Image via Happy You Happy Family)

08/05/2018

https://www.gottman.com/blog/seriously-whats-point-marriage-growth/

Well, today it’s time to bust out a cold, hard truth: the point of marriage is not happiness. The point of marriage is growth.

30/03/2018

Why is attunement so important?

Attunement is defined as becoming receptive, aware, or accustomed to something, but it also means "to make harmonious," and harmony is what we're aiming for when improving your marriage.

Attunement can help build trust in a relationship, but it's not as intuitive as those definitions sound. To help, we've created an acronym out of the word ATTUNE to guide you through the steps it takes to attune to your partner's emotions:

Awareness of your partner’s emotion;
Turning toward the emotion;
Tolerance of two different viewpoints;
trying to Understand your partner;
Non-defensive responses to your partner;
and responding with Empathy.
While this process includes many of our other approaches—turning toward, responding with empathy, and validating different perspectives—following it will help you both attune to each other and create emotional harmony.

25/03/2018

Don't listen to reply...
..listen to understand.

It's a familiar scenario. You and your partner are having a conversation and you're listening and nodding along in agreement, but you're also forming your response in your mind.

In fact, your response is practically on the tip of your tongue, and you're almost ready to interrupt the conversation to say it. And it can happen in any situation—with co-workers, friends, and family.

While we are all guilty of doing this, it's problematic because you aren't fully attentive and mindful of what your partner is saying. You have a great response ready to go, but you might have missed an important detail about your partner's thoughts or feelings.

Instead, just slow down a bit and really listen. Wait to think about your response until your partner has finished talking. Not only will you have better conversations, but you'll also understand your partner, or anyone else, a lot more.

17/03/2018

Know when to pause and breathe
Sometimes you just have to take a break. Especially when you're upset with your partner.

We advise couples to self-soothe when things get tough. If you find yourself in an argument that's going nowhere and that's on the verge of getting nasty and personal, stop. Take a break. Pause and breathe.

Then take 20 minutes by yourself to do something that calms you down. A meditative technique, such as deep breathing, especially focusing on a long outbreath (count to 7 in your mind breathing in and out to the count of 11 - 7/11 )will help. Or you can read a book, go for a walk, or, really, do anything that will help you pause. And breathe.

When you do that, you're helping yourself to physiologically calm down, and you're removing yourself from a situation that could get worse. But once you pause and breathe and take that 20-minute break, you can return to your partner with a much more peaceful state of mind.

13/03/2018

Be mindful of emotional triggers
Throughout our lives, we have experiences that can make us sensitive to certain places, events, people, sounds, words, or, really, any sort of physical or psychological stimuli that "triggers" us.

And when we get triggered, we might get angry or upset, but sometimes we can even experience anxiety attacks or the fight-or-flight response depending on how intense the trigger is.

Triggers can come from childhood, traumatic experiences, or previous relationships. But we all have them, so it's important to understand and be mindful of your triggers and of your partner's.

Discussing emotional triggers openly allows you to protect one another from being triggered, and it forms a deeper emotional understanding between you both. You might not be able to avoid triggers completely, but if you are aware of them, then you can do your best to avoid triggering situations.

11/03/2018

Don’t try to cheer your partner up

Whenever someone is upset or sad, our natural response may be to try and cheer that person up. But that can be problematic in a romantic relationship.

The tricky part with empathy is that it isn't about trying to lift your partner's, or anyone's, spirits. It's about validating the emotions that they feel, and understanding why they feel the way they do.

So, if your partner is experiencing difficult emotions—anger, sadness, fear, disappointment—don't try to cheer them up or calm them down. Instead, sit with them and offer words of understanding and support. Allow them to feel what they need to feel.

And don't try to problem-solve, either, even though that can feel like the right thing to do at the moment. That can come later. The most important thing to do is to offer empathy, which will help your partner feel validated