08/10/2025
It is important to remember that understanding does not equate to excusing. We can understand someone’s bad behaviour, that doesn’t mean we have to tolerate, excuse or continue to allow that person to have a presence in our life.
The message of this statement isn’t about letting the abusive parent off, it’s about recognising that because of their toxicity they lost the opportunity be a part of someone who’s amazing’s life...you!
No-one is pretending this is easy. The first step is recognising that their toxic behaviour, the reasons behind their toxicity, reflects their journey; it isn’t a reflection of your worth. You were and are a beautiful person.
Last weekend I attended the Transform Trauma seminar at Oxford University which included presentations by some great therapists. Besel Van Der Kolk said this and it is one of the most profound things I heard that weekend.
