24/03/2024
Hey! Hope you're having a lovely chilled Sunday.
This post has been on my mind to compose for some weeks and I have tussled with whether to and how best to. But it has occupied quite a bit of the work side of my brain, so I feel compelled to get it down "on paper!" (WARNING it's a long read, but I really appreciate the time and consideration).
I think my hesitation over posting, is because it addresses something quite personal, or at least I don't think I can make what I want to say clear unless I touch on the personal.
So, back to a few weeks ago ...
Sometimes there is a theme in the cabin of things that are said/conversations had. And over a course of a couple of days, the issue of body image/dissatisfaction came up. Sadly it often does.
1. I had one client say that their partner was in need of a treatment, but they were very conscious that they were of a larger size and that prevented them from even stepping through the door.
2. I had another wonderful client, who apologised for their body and that they'd put on weight since I had last treated them.
3. And another wonderful client who was talking about trying to access physiotherapy for a troublesome knee. This is someone who had clocked up 20k+ steps per day on a recent holiday and was instantly dismissed (over the phone) because she is overweight.
*takes a looooooong sigh*
To that first client, I said my job was to make anyone who chooses A Pampered Me, as comfortable as possible. Literally everyBODY is welcome and not judged. I have a screen that I step behind to allow each client to undress and clamber onto the couch in the best way that they can - lets face it - there is no delicate way to do that!! I am not judging in any way, I am focussing on easing your muscles and making you feel you as comfortable and relaxed as possible. If you need extra arm support, I have them, if you are particularly tall I have a face rest insert ... if you would like these, please, please ask.
To the client who apologised for their body, my heart broke. If they had put weight on, I didn't see it. If they had ... so what ... does that mean you are less deserving of having muscles aches and strains eased? Of taking a little bit of time for yourself? Does it make you a less worthy some how?
To the client treated so poorly by the physiotherapist. Arrrrrgh ffs. This made me so, so angry. They were instantly dismissed over the phone ... no physical assessment - literally the first question asked. We talked at length about things that had been said to us in formative years that (hurt, really hurt) and stuck into adulthood. To the physiotherapist I would say, cancer patients, as the result of smoking are not denied treatment ......
The reason this is a personal post, is these client experiences I have described are also all me.
I have held back from doing things because of the discomfort, and if I am really honest, the dislike I have felt (and sometimes still feel) about my body - the list is rather long sadly and include turning down a hen party with a very poor excuse because the fancy dress night absolutely filled me with a deep dread. And countless swimming costume related moments over the years, with my kids - one who is now a teenager and the other teetering on the edge of adulthood.
I have apologised for the size of my bum and all the other parts of my body in various scenarios and often in the guise of humour.
And as some of you know, I have been really struggling with unpleasant pain in my feet for sometime. Again, on speaking on the phone to a physiotherapist, he very quickly asked me if I knew my BMI...cue another long deep sigh ... He knew nothing about me, my job, my lifestyle etc etc. I told him, I did not and that before he followed that line of enquiry, I'd had problems for sometime, including when I was at my lowest weight and peak fitness.
And that ladies and gentlemen (because this is absolutely not unique to women), is where it gets extra personal for me.
I have just tried to describe myself - but realised I am trying to justify myself (deep seated habits). But I am a tall, larger gal. I am so loved by my husband, my children and my family. I mostly haven't shown myself that love. I can pin point landmark moments if my life to date that have been pivotal in terms of my body image - they still happen and I am 46 years young!
I have fallen into that horrible myth we are sold that thinner is better. The moral value that is placed on being thin and how being "plus size" is pathologised.
In the latter part of lockdown, I had the time to see a PT. I lost a lot of weight and was the fittest I have ever been - I even documented on this page about having started running.
BUT, that time fed into the worst feelings I had about weight/food/exercise. Advice I received amongst other gems was when I was hungry, to chew on gum - I continued to not trust and dismiss my natural hunger cues, and would wake in the early hours of the morning starving. I fooled myself in to believing that the hugely restricted food programme he gave me wasn't a "diet" and I sailed past the point of realising I felt good about the exercise to using it to compensate for what I perceived as having over eaten. I lacked balance and developed more bad habits. It exacerbated my binge and restrict behaviours that I had learnt years before.
It was a lightbulb moment when my husband walked passed me as I was huffing and puffing over my reflection in an outfit - he stopped and said "you've lost all that weight and you're still not happy with what you see" and I realised that the problem wasn't my body, it was my head!
I am much, much heavier than I was then. BUT does that make me a less loving mum? Am I a worse wife for it? Does it make me a less effective therapist? F**K NO ... there is no moral value to the number on the scales.
So the point of this post is to say ..... I get it, I completely understand. If this post just reaches one person who has maybe been following my page but holding back from booking because of the feels they are feeling about their bod, then I am more than happy to expose myself and my thoughts in this way. So don't hesitate, drop me a line, tell me if you're feeling a bit awks - it's abso-bloody-lutely-ok!
If you have managed to get to the end of this, Thanks!! If you're in two minds over booking, drop me a line.
Have a good week!
Ruth xx
