13/02/2026
Last night I prayed.
I honestly rarely do now. I don’t think it’s beyond me… I just feel tired of the way the Earth is spinning. I came to the conclusion a while back that if this earth is doomed, then it is because whatever God is— has abandoned us, and honestly, with how we treat each other? I don’t blame God and then I wasn't sure if God was something that could abandon us.
I’ve felt weird about praying for years now. After waking up from my Abrahamic cult indoctrination, I realised God is probably way more powerful and complex than I can hope to understand in this life, and how do you pray to that?
I’ve taken a lot of time, even from when I was a child, studying mythology and different religions and conceptual realities, and haven’t found a definitive idea of God past my Catholic upbringing. When I say God it feels masculine, and when I say “help the world” it feels feminine, so it threw out the idea of the masc/fem ideology.
I can see the yin and yang theory in the universe, but it doesn’t feel like God; it just feels like cosmic order… ancient instructions from the universe that teach us to accept. It doesn’t really explain the driving force that makes the flowers grow and the soul to spark in the womb from living particles that decide that it’s simply going to live from that day onwards.
People will try to tell me Manifestations, Affirmations, Rituals are prayers but how come they are so self-serving? The only thing I want to ask from God is to heal. I’m not interested in manifesting beyond that. Don’t get me wrong I’ve done it and got what was needed but it’s not actually a connection to God is it?
I’m not sure what God is most days.
I know energy exists in different forms.
I know that we exist beyond comprehension.
I know energy speaks in numbers, dreams, thoughts, songs and so on.. but I think it’s been made clear that it’s not always God communicating.
I just don’t think anyone knows what God wants, in a prayer or for the world. Does God want at all? And if there is good where there is bad, then doesn’t that mean that if God has abandoned us, then He made a mistake? I thought only humans made mistakes. Do we have God within, or do we have a residual energy of something that was called God but left us a long time ago?
They ask us to have faith in God, and we will die and go to heaven. So we must suffer before we are worthy? God sounds like a deeply damaged human just trying to make sense of the world.
Many people say this is hell. They believe we are here to suffer and part of our suffering is to wonder where God is. So what does that say about the children born of this earth?
Maybe God is an idea.
Maybe God is just an energy of life.
Maybe God is not conscious.
Maybe God is the excuse we made up because we can’t look at our disgusting selves.
Maybe God is a prism prison.
Maybe we should shatter it.
J.Cullen