12/11/2025
Bargaining
Models of grief talk about different phases that we go through. The 5-stage model is one of the best known and it talks about denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
The truth is that grief is far messier than this. But it’s still a great place to start a conversation.
When we think about grief, we tend to focus on it as being an overwhelming experience that happens when something truly awful happens.
Naturally, this is true.
But grief is also a spectrum, ranging from tiny, nano griefs that you don’t even register to the existential grief that accompanies profound loss, such as bereavement or the grief of losing your health or a foundational relationship.
I think that grief happens when something challenges your perception of the world in a way that takes you out of your comfort zone and makes you resist that change.
Sometimes the resistance will come from every fibre of your being. And in some cases there’s nothing that you can do to alter your reality. You end up being swept along, rather helplessly, trying to grab onto the nearest branch as the torrent buffets you, screaming out for a life preserver and hoping that something or someone will be able to rescue you from it.
But at other times, the trigger may be something that causes mere annoyance and frustration. These are the tiniest of griefs. The nano griefs that nobody even thinks about as grief.
You discover something that doesn’t fit with your current perspectives and you want to resist it.
There may have been a brief instance of denial. “Huh? That can’t be right.”
Often fllowed by frustration or anger. “Hang on. How come I never knew this? If I’d known this, I’d have done things differently.”
The bargaining phase can come alongside, after, or even before this.
And I think of bargaining as the way we resist the change or challenge to our perspective. It’s about how we strive to get back into our comfort zone again (because grief is an uncomfortable process, full of sensations that we don’t welcome. Not just anger , denial and depression, but also often shame, guilt, vulnerability, fear, anxiety, and cynicism).
Bargaining is about observing our discomfort and then scrambling to do something about it. Trying to put things into reverse. Fix what we now can see was broken. Or try to fix the world so that we can get back to the safety of what we knew and experienced before.
It involves everything from trying to change our thought patterns to looking for help from other people or deities. “Please help me get through this.”
During the bargaining phase, we’re usually willing to take action to do something. “If I can get rid of this pain, I’ll take the medication.” “If I can lose the weight, so I can look and feel more attractive, I’ll feel better about myself and I’ll feel that I deserve to be desired, loved, and respected. People will think that I’m not lazy or lacking in willpower. And my longterm health will be better. And I’m willing to diet or exercise or take a weight loss pill to get there.” “I’m willing to undergo chemotherapy to cure this cancer or live longer, even if I suffer side effects.”
When we’re bargaining, we’re missing something that we’ve lost and want back. Or we’re dreaming about something we have never had but desire. We want to feel reassured and in control.
But what of the resistance to changing your perspective? The denial phase?
While some are obvious, others can be remarkably subtle. They can tie in with our values systems and how we perceive ourselves, not just our perceptions about the world we live in or our relationships.
All of us have values that shape our actions they’re probably a mix of intrinsic and learned. Nature and nurture. And we have hierarchies in our values.
Some might value truth, justice, honesty, and fairness above all else. Others compassion, kindness and meaningful connection. Some might value wisdom, objectivity and rationality. Yet others love expression, creativity, and communication.
Our values are also tied into our sense of status and they’re very much a part of who we are and what we stand for.
No matter which values we place the most precedence on, most people are fundamentally decent and want to be good. Or at the very least not evil. We prefer to live by our values and that’s when we’re happiest.
Things that will definitely push us out of our comfort zones are when we feel forced to confront the possibility that the things that we’ve done contradict our values and that means that we’re not a good person after all. We may face the unsettling realisation that we might actually be that dick. The one nobody can stand, particularly ourselves.
So, we can feel under immense pressure to discount anything that we might have been taught or that we say or do that contravenes how we perceive ourselves as the heroes of our own narratives.
And this can create massive blind spots.
The denial in the grief.
Who in their right mind would go out of their way to prove that they’re wrong? That they’ve betrayed their own values systems. That instead of being the hero, or even the side kick or the guy in the red Star Trek jersey who’s canon fodder, we’re actually the villain. Imagine the self loathing and anguish you’d face to wake up in the novel as the villain with the tragic backstory, particularly the self deluded one who thinks they were doing the wright thing when all they’ve been is a malleable lackey with skills.
(I’ve actually been watching the C-drama Whispers of Fate. I don’t think this is too much of a spoiler. But then again, maybe it is).
We’re all human. And this bias to view our own actions through rose tinted spectacles is a very human trait.
None of us are perfect.
So, what can we do with all of this information about grief, denial, anger, bargaining, and of course acceptance?
I think that one of the most important things is to recognise our beautiful, flawed humanity. That none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes.
This could paralyse us and stop us from taking action in case we’re wrong.
But what if instead we simply admit that “this is how I perceive things right now. I might be wrong. But I can always change my mind later if I encounter new evidence or I gain new insights?”
We can also reflect on our views, particularly when something or someone makes us question them or tells us that we might be wrong. We can ask ourselves powerful questions. Who, what, when, where, how?
“Why do I believe this?” “Why is this perspective important to me?” “Where did I learn about this?” “What factors shaped how this opinion developed, even in those that taught me this?” “What’s at stake of this viewpoint is true and if it’s false?“Why does that person think the way they do?” “What about evidence that contradicts my viewpoint?”
You can actively seek out unconventional and non-mainstream views and theories. Even those that directly contradict your own. In fact, you should seek the opinion of people who are outside the system where your training originated. And you should listen and think about what they have to say.
This isn’t to say that you must agree with their views.
In fact, something far more interesting can arise.
When you start to look at something from an outside perspective, you may end up finding flaws in BOTH your old view and the other person’s. But if you let yourself think about things over time, you might discover that you develop a new perspective. One that might be uniquely yours but at least as legitimate as the others. And that’s exciting. But it can only com from being pushed outside your comfort zone to start to work through the stages of grief. And it must come from a place of humility to be able to admit that you may be wrong and not feel threatened by this.
To be able to recognise that admitting that you were wrong about something isn’t actually an attack on your values systems or on you. It’s human to get things wrong. And it’s human to fear the consequences of our mistakes as well. But you can still honour your values and admit that you’re wrong. If we’re being honest, it may become almost impossible to honour our values without being able to admit that we may have been wrong and have the flexibility to change our minds about things. Values may be sacred. But beliefs aren’t always.
We should have the wisdom to recognise this not just in ourselves but in others, even those we hold in highest esteem.
This is part of what is called a growth mentality in coaching.
And it just so happens that times when you’re most receptive to developing a growth mentality are probably the bargaining and acceptance stages of grief.
So, recognise that there may be pressures, even in scientists areas that we believe are rigorously objective and unemotional, where the people discussing the research and developing the theories may feel under intense pressure not to make mistakes. Where they feel under scrutiny. And how this makes scientific development inherently emotional, even when the person practicing it believes they’re detached.
The myth of scientific detachment is itself a form of denial. The higher the stakes, the greater the pressure not to make mistakes, and the more anxiety the scientist is likely to feel when they think about their responsibilities.
You can’t take the emotion out of medicine or science.
Doctors might deny that you’re suffering from medication side effects or that the dietary recommendations aren’t working for you because they’re in the denial stages of grief. And to admit otherwise might see their entire world view come crashing down around them, threatening their values and everything they believe about being the heroes in their own stories.
