03/12/2025
Mark, a 38-year-old father of two, had been in a relationship for 13 yrs. His partner’s behaviour gradually became controlling, but because it wasn’t physical, he struggled to recognise it as abuse.
The coercive control Mark experienced included:
* Isolation: His partner repeatedly accused him of “putting his friends and family first,” leading him to stop seeing anyone.
* Financial control: She demanded access to all his accounts, monitored every transaction, and made him ask permission to spend money, even on lunch at work.
* Monitoring and surveillance: She insisted on checking his phone, emails, and even tracked his location through an app she put on his phone.
* Verbal and emotional degradation: Daily criticism “You’re useless,” “Nobody else would put up with you” this left him doubting his own competence.
* Manipulation involving the children: She told the children that “Daddy doesn’t care about you/me/us” whenever he disagreed with her, which made him fearful of conflict and worried for the kids.
Long-Term Impact on Mark
Over time, the abuse took a significant toll:
Psychological Impact
* Chronic anxiety, fearing how she would react when he came home.
* Low self-worth, believing her narrative that he was “a bad father.”
* Confusion about reality, because she repeatedly denied or minimised incidents (“You’re imagining things,” “You’re too sensitive”).
* Social withdrawal, ashamed to tell anyone what was happening.
Physical and Practical Impact
* Sleep problems, migraines, and constant exhaustion from stress.
* Reduced work performance, which led to a written warning from his employer.
*Loss of control of his finances, leaving him with little sense of independence.
Impact on His Children
Even though the children were never directly harmed, the atmosphere affected them deeply.
* The children became anxious, especially when arguments erupted.
* His son started acting out at school, copying the tone and words he heard at home.
* His daughter became unusually withdrawn, afraid to express her needs and feelings.
* The children began to feel responsible for keeping the peace.
* There was confusion and distress at seeing their father constantly belittled.
Mark worried that this environment was shaping their understanding of safety and relationships.
How the Men’s Advisory Project Helped
Mark eventually contacted the Men’s Advisory Project after seeing a leaflet at his GP surgery. He described feeling “embarrassed but desperate.” during his first call.
What MAP Provided
1. A non-judgmental space
For the first time, Mark heard someone say: “What you’re describing is abuse. It isn’t your fault.”
That alone brought Mark relief.
2. Education about coercive control
The counsellors helped him understand patterns of abuse and how they were affecting him. This clarity allowed him to rebuild his confidence and recognise how to build and hold boundaries.
3. Safety planning
MAP worked with him to create a plan for emotional and practical safety, including how to respond to escalations at home and how to document incidents.
4. Therapeutic counselling
He learned to challenge internalised guilt, rebuild his self-esteem, and manage anxiety.
5. Support around fatherhood
MAP helped him understand how to protect his children emotionally and maintain healthy relationships with them.
Positive Changes After Support
Within several months, Mark began to see significant improvements:
For Mark
* He regained confidence and recognised that he deserved respect.
* He felt liberated from the belief that he had caused the abuse.
* His anxiety reduced, he performed better at work, and he reconnected with friends.
* He set clearer boundaries, and eventually chose to separate in a safe, planned way.
For His Children
* They became calmer and more emotionally secure.
* Mark learned healthier communication skills and was able to model the stability he and his kids had lost.
* The children started opening up about their own feelings, trusting that Mark could support them and they were safe to do so.
* The kids no longer felt responsible for managing the mood of the home.
Mark said:
“MAP gave me my life back. They helped me see that what I’d been living with wasn’t normal, and that asking for help wasn’t weakness. It changed me and it changed my kids’ lives too.”
If you need help give us a call 02890 241929/ 02871 160001 or email on info@mapni.co.uk
For 24hr support
Police Service of Northern Ireland
Housing Executive
Domestic & Sexual Abuse Helpline
