Thrive with Lisa

13/03/2025

This week I received the MOST INCREDIBLE update for an amazing (ex!!) emetophobia client of mine, Eva. Like many Mums I take through the programme, one of her biggest worries was what would happen – and how she would cope – if one of her kids was poorly. So to receive the below update is absolutely phenomenal and a huge testament to all the hard work she put in to get better!!

This is also a great reminder for anybody still struggling that a) it’s ok if it takes you a bit longer than 6-8 weeks, you CAN and WILL still get there at a slower pace once you are putting the right action in, and b) that even if your first sickness related scenario doesn’t go ‘perfectly’, if you keep working at it you can improve even more the next time, just as Eva did!! Eva you are an absolute superstar and thank you for being so brave and allowing your story to be shared here, it was such a joy to work with you and see you blossom as your overcame your emetophobia step by step  Full review from Eva below!!
…………………….

“OK I have a big update… So the last time one of the kids was sick I emailed you and had a relatively calm reaction to it but I knew there were still things I needed to tighten up on... Anyway, on Monday night one of the kids was sick and I had absolutely NO panic or anxiety, it was so surreal, I knew in that moment I did not have emetophobia and it is the first time, I have actually, genuinely felt this way, I was almost saying to myself, hang on something's wrong here, where's the anxiety?? And it was nowhere to be seen or felt!!!!

I literally saw it for what it was, a nothing event but my first thought was of course I hope she is okay, poor thing (and obviously cleaning it up!) But I felt so different and I was actually high-fiving myself. It turned out she was only sick once but in my head I didn't even sit there praying for it to be over and for it to be once, I just said if it happens it happens and if any of us catch it then we will be fine, it will just be an annoying situation, in fact I didn't even really think about it. I KNEW I could cope and the next day with her at home I actually had a good day, I managed to feel happy and see the positives in the day (sun, birds singing, a text from a friend) and was not sitting there with complete panic and dread of what could be around the corner. And actually, I am still in the same head space…

Anyway thanks for again for everything, I knew I would get here, I knew and understood everything I learnt on the programme I just had a slightly longer journey than others but the feeling I currently have is just so good and so freeing, living this week with no anxiety or panic has been life changing!!

… Even if [sharing] this helps one person that's a big deal! I am still feeling good and it's just so incredible to genuinely not to be paralysed with the horrible phobia anymore.

Eva”

05/03/2025

In my experience taking many, MANY emetophobes through this programme to successfully overcome this debilitating phobia, understanding what's REALLY causing it is one of the most important lessons to help somebody feel empowered to overcome it!

So, what’s really causing emetophobia...??

Emetophobes are often (and understandably!) a little confused when they start the programme and learn that their phobia isn’t actually about sickness at all. After all, that’s why they are doing the programme!

This can feel like a real mental conflict: on the one hand, they will do anything to overcome it and they want to trust us as emetophobia experts. But on the other hand, they’ve felt anxious and panicky around sickness for a long time, so it’s obviously the real problem…right?

Well, not quite. Let’s explore what we mean when we say it’s ‘not about sickness’. After all, there’s no denying that an emetophobe feels very anxious in those situations at the present time. We certainly don’t deny that

The important thing is what is CAUSING the problem. A person doesn’t have emetophobia because sickness really IS frightening and awful. It’s unpleasant yes, but if it was that terrifying everyone would develop the phobia at some stage, because we’re all sick at some point in our lives.

Here’s the real cause. Emetophobia is (unintentionally!) created when a person has very specific and predictable ways of thinking that create a phobia

Sometimes, they report a specific event that ‘triggered’ their phobia, and sometimes they will have no idea how it started. But for all sufferers, the real origin of the phobia is the same: they have learned to respond that way because of the way they have been taught to think and react, and it IS changeable

Emetophobes don’t need exposure therapy (phew, I hear you say!), or to talk endlessly about sickness. ANYBODY would find that a bit unpleasant!

What emetophobes need to do is to understand the various cogs in their brain that produce their phobic response to sickness (thinking that drives quite a lot of unhelpful, panicky responses in other areas of their lives too).

As soon as they change the ‘ingredients’ combining to create their phobia, they can overcome it relatively quickly and simply, and learn to really thrive in their lives too. It takes effort and practice to apply what they’ve learned, but once they do their phobia is a thing of the past!

27/02/2025

Many of my clients openly admit that they are 'a bit of a perfectionist'. They just don't realise how many problems that way of thinking has been causing them, or even that it's something they can change...! I explore more about it below...

1. Being ‘a perfectionist’ might sound like a good quality, but here’s some ways it can cause difficulties

2. A perfectionist has incredibly high standards for themselves. So they can become incredibly self-critical. Nothing is ever good enough.

3. They can burn themselves out easily because they would rather overwork and juggle an already-full plate than say no to something and risk feeling like a failure for not being able to do everything

4. Their busy life can therefore be like a precarious jenga stack, and one tiny piece moving out of place can drive them into an emotional spiral, feeling powerless, hopeless and exhausted

5. It may seem like they are just life’s ‘achievers’ and ‘do-ers’, but under the surface they do this to avoid their own beliefs that they are not good enough unless they are constantly achieving and doing

6. Decisions can feel impossible, and they may often ask lots of people for opinions to try and protect themselves from making any mistakes

7. They may even find themselves agonising over decisions for weeks and months, because they ‘need’ to get it right and consider every single angle

8. Because of this, they spend a lot of time brooding and overthinking, creating lots of stress and anxiety in the process

9. Perfectionism is a key unhelpful thinking habit, but it is just that: a habit. Learning why you do it, and how to change it, can be life-changing

10. Perfectionism is one of a number of thinking styles covered in The Thrive Programme, with key tools and exercises to help you change it. Relate to these examples? DM or comment!

17/02/2025

Here's one for the black and white thinkers...!!

Setting specific and measurable goals can be a minefield for people who are in the habit of thinking in a very black and white, or ‘all or nothing’ way

They start a new habit or goal with the best of intentions, setting out all the things they are changing or starting (although this is usually unhelpfully framed as ‘I NEED to change this’ rather than ‘I WANT to/ I CAN change this’…)

If they are also perfectionists, these goals will usually be quite ambitious too, or even completely unrealistic…

They often start by going ‘all in’, throwing themselves into the new challenge or hobby at full pelt…

Eventually, they hit a hurdle: perhaps they get a cold and can’t make the gym that week, they have to work late and can’t home-cook their new healthy dinner that night, or the leftover Christmas chocolates on the coffee table become a bit too tempting…!

Without black and white thinking, one setback in the road could be just that: a brief setback. They wouldn’t obsess over it, beat themselves up or tell themselves they’d failed. They’d just get back on course and carry on.

But black and white thinkers look at their progress in such a rigid and inflexible way that they set themselves up to fail

They go very quickly from ‘I can do this’ to ‘I can’t do this’, from ‘I’m succeeding’ to ‘I’m failing’, from ‘I’m going to have a great year’ to ‘I’ve messed it up already’. And they feel so powerless to keep themselves on track, that often the easiest option in their heads can be to quit. Which they then use as evidence that they ‘can never stick to things’.

Black and white thinkers: don’t worry! You CAN train your way out of this way of thinking, and learn to find the grey in the middle. And in doing so, you can find much more balance in the way you set, and work towards, challenges and goals.

Part of learning to thrive and overcome fears, phobias and anxieties is understanding how unhelpful thinking styles like black and white thinking can distort our vision of ourselves. Instead of seeing progress, we see absolute failure. Instead of a wobble, we see 'failure'. Tackling black and white thinking is one of many thinking styles and patterns we explore in the programme, putting you back in the driving seat of your own goals and success at them too...

What’s YOUR experience of black and white thinking?

health

12/02/2025

As a Thrive Programme Coach (treating countless emetophobes) for over 8 years, but also as a former emetophobia sufferer myself, I wanted to share some thoughts on the Channel 4 programme ’The Fear Clinic: Face your Phobia’ last night.

For anyone who didn’t watch it, here is a quick summary. The series follows a radical clinic in Amsterdam that helps people overcome phobias through intense exposure therapy. Last night, they had 3 more sufferers on, with fears of birds, frogs, and vomiting that they were ‘curing’ in just a few days with exposure therapy.

Before I carry on, this post doesn’t AT ALL undermine the person on the programme's efforts to overcome her emetophobia. I think she was INCREDIBLY brave to go and do that treatment, particularly live on TV (particularly given that we know the shame and social anxiety many emetos experience around this phobia - some never even tell anyone about it because they’re so worried they’ll be judged).

So I’m absolutely not having a go at her: I actually have a huge amount respect for her. I’m just frustrated on her behalf because the process of overcoming this phobia does not have to be this intense, frightening or anxiety inducing. I know, because I’ve done it, and I help others to overcome it with minimal distress too. Our Thrive Programme 'Emetophobia Free' course is specifically designed for (and very successful at) treating emetophobia. And if I'd watched even a few minutes of the programme last night in the worst days of my phobia, I think I'd have been so anxious and emotional today thinking that this was potentially my only hope at overcoming it and knowing that was literally my worst nightmare come true. That's why I wanted to write this - to tell other sufferers out there that exposure is NOT the only option for beating this...

I’m sure many of my fellow Thrive Programme Coaches (particularly former emetophobes) would agree with me that most emetophobes would never dream of doing something as extreme as exposure therapy. A few clients of mine have tried it prior to working with me and (unsurprisingly, given that it’s hugely ineffective for emetophobia) it either hasn’t worked for them, has made them temporarily better for a few days but then they’re back to ’normal’ phobia symptoms again, or it’s actually made them feel WORSE. So I was pretty dubious to see them using this technique with an emetophobe.

There are many reasons exposure therapy doesn’t often work for emetophobes, but they include crucially that:

a) phobias are not actually about the thing itself (they are about the combination of thinking styles, beliefs and learned behaviours that result in a pattern of frightened, panicky reactions around those things),

b) sufferers have such a strong desire for control and such black and white beliefs about sickness that you’d be hard pressed to get them to let go of control enough to do exposure in the first place, and if they do they have a really hard time tolerating the loss of that much control in one go, and

c) the strong reactions they have learned to create in relation to sickness means that even if they do go through exposure, they are likely to find it INCREDIBLY stressful and distressing. Hence why they can feel worse afterwards.

Some things in the programme that I found particularly unhelpful were:

- Telling the sufferer (also called Lisa!) that her phobia was a) because her mum was sick so often, and b) due to the trauma of her parents’ divorce (if statements like that were really true, then people would be afflicted with their phobias and fears until the end of time because we can’t change our past experiences)

- When Lisa expressed fear about seeing the volunteer throw up, the response was that ’this lady is really nice and just wants to help you.’ Whether she is ’nice’ or not is absolutely irrelevant. She’s not scared of the lady, she’s scared of the intense emotions she knows she is about to experience by being forced to see/hear something she currently believes is the most terrifying thing on the planet

- When she expressed this terror (or from a Thrive Programme perspective, expressed the belief she has built about sickness - sickness isn’t actually terrifying, emetophobes have learned to believe that it is), this is not challenged AT ALL.

- Because of this, Lisa was clearly getting increasingly distressed and panicky. If you don’t challenge an emeto’s beliefs about sickness, even gently at first, you are unwittingly colluding with them that this thing is as terrible and awful as they are telling you.

- Unless an AWFUL LOT of pre-exposure therapy work was cut out of the TV episode (plausible, but unlikely given that the clinic runs a radical exposure programme, so the technique is literally to expose you to that thing from the get go), then essentially all they were doing was putting a very frightened person in front of something they believe is akin to a gun being pointed at their head, with no new skills or insights to challenge their thinking, and are just hoping that they magically begin to cope better with it. If that worked, people would never come to us because one episode of vomiting and BAM they’d be cured.

- A chance to challenge her belief could have been when Lisa apologised to the volunteer who was there to make herself sick for the exposure part. It would have been easy enough to explain that she doesn’t need to apologise to the volunteer because sickness itself is not terrifying, and for most people sickness really isn't a big deal at all - including this woman who is willing to even make herself vomit for the purposes of the programme. But Lisa wasn’t challenged at ALL, leaving her to continue feeding her belief that it was awful and then feel bad that the woman was having to go through it to help her (stoking the social anxiety ingredient of this phobia even further).

- I appreciate that Lisa seemed to have improved slightly by the end of the programme. In our experience though, if you don’t challenge underlying beliefs and reasons they’ve created a huge phobia of sickness in the first place, this is likely to be temporary as their old thinking is still there.

- As I said at the start, this post doesn’t AT ALL undermine Lisa’s efforts - I’m just frustrated on her behalf because the process of overcoming this phobia (or actually any phobia) does not have to be this awful or immerse. As a former emetophobes, I actually felt upset for her just watching it, knowing that it was utterly unnecessary to put her through all of that.

Here’s some important reminders/takeaways for anyone suffering currently who wants to overcome their phobia without having to sit in a room literally listening to someone vomiting (trust me, that never worked for me!):

1. You do not need to be constantly exposed to it to overcome it.

2. The phobia is not about sickness. It’s about the combinations of thinking styles, beliefs, and learned behaviours (as well as other factors like desire for control and a low level of coping skills that need to be slowly built up) that drive the strong, frightening and overwhelming emotional reactions the emetophobe experiences. THAT is what they are really frightened of, and that is the part they need to learn to challenge and change.

3. If you do that, you can overcome your phobia without needing any exposure at all

4. Whilst sickness might feel terrifying to you right now, it does not have to be that way forever. It CAN change. Myself and the countless other sufferers - some of whom are now Coaches too! - are evidence of that.

5. No one would enjoy watching or listening to someone being sick. I watched the programme, and I can’t say I enjoyed it!! I know many people who’ve never had this phobia who wouldn’t enjoy that either. It’s not a nice thing to see or hear. But it’s something you can learn to change your response to, so it doesn’t ruin your whole life.

Licensed Thrive Programme Coach® in Bournemouth and Southampton (UK).

Available evenings & Saturdays