Deep Connection Mindfulness Based Psychotherapy & Supervision Brighton

10/03/2021

A very simple guide to working empathetically with our bodies:

Using the Body to Help Clients Break Old Habits and Stuck Patterns

21/01/2021

Recognising that our collective and culturally infused languages are both more individually and unconsciously nuanced than we often realise, I acknowledge that certain turns of phrase can set off a 'woo-woo' reaction in me. There are more than a couple of examples of this below😊😉 However, the essence of what I feel is being communicated resonates deeply with me and I have been lucky enough to see it in my (virtual) client space all week❤🤗

“You will inevitably encounter adversity in life, whether it's on a personal level or - as we're experiencing now - on a collective level. If you haven't gone deep enough, if you haven't found anything beyond the conceptual thinking mind, then the adversity, whatever it may be (in this case we know what it is), will devastate you. And even if you do not fall ill or contract the virus, the fear will consume you, as it's consuming millions of humans at the present time. If you would know who/what you are, you would realize that there is nothing to fear. Only if you don't know yourself, fear arises. Become aware of your self, not the conceptual self, not your personal history, but become aware of your self as the conscious presence. Thinking does not help you there. Thinking is an obstacle. So go deeper than thinking and be completely awake and present, with no mind activity. That is the beginning of the realization of your timeless, eternal essence. It is a deeper dimension of consciousness than the one that you ordinarily identify with. Find that unshakeable foundation that is deep within you, within everyone. Adversity is a wonderful opportunity because it forces you to go deeper. Life becomes almost unbearable when you live only on the surface of sense perceptions and your conceptual mind, and then you listen to the news and read all kinds of things, and everybody is in a state of fear - due to a house built on sand. And this is an invitation to awaken to who you are, because if you don't, you suffer unnecessarily. Millions are in a state of anxiety. But use this as a chance to awaken. It's an opportunity to come to this realization that you are much deeper than you had known before. You should pay more attention to your own consciousness than to the newscasts and whatever it is that you listen to and watch. Use this precious time, it is part of the awakening of humanity. Humans don't awaken in their comfort zone, they awaken when they are taken out of their comfort zone, when they can't stand the suffering or unhappiness anymore. Feel the aliveness, become aware of that presence that is inseparable from who you are. That's an amazing realization! There's more to you than the person! That presence is deeper than the person. You needed the adversity either to find it or to deepen the realization. There's a saying that goes, 'When the ego weeps for what it has lost, the spirit rejoices for what it has found.' What looks bad and very negative on the surface, like an obstacle to the wellbeing of humanity from the conventional point of view, has an essential function. So this is a time of great opportunity. Use it. Don't waste it. Don't lose yourself in the mind. Don't lose yourself in fear. Be rooted in this rock that is your essence identity."

~ Eckhart Tolle

14/10/2020

Another powerful teaching around acceptance: the gift that keeps on giving (if you're willing to accept ... ) Big love, David ###

Who are you resisting?

The Practice:

Accept Them as They Are.

Why?

I admit it: whether close to home or far away, I wish some people were different. Depending on who they are, I wish they'd stop doing things like leaving cabinet doors open in our kitchen, sending me spam emails, or turning a blind eye to global warming. And I wish they'd start doing things like being friendlier toward me or spending more money on public education. Even if it doesn't affect me directly, for their own sake I do wish that various people I care about were more energetic, less anxious, or less self-critical.

In what ways do you wish that people were different? Think about the people close to you – friends, family, mates – as well co-workers, drivers on the highway, business-people, media types, politicians, and world leaders. Think about people who are not doing their share of housework, not getting you the healthcare you need, promoting political policies that you dislike if not despise, etc., etc.

It's normal to wish that others were different, just like it's normal to wish that you, yourself, were different (e.g., thinner, richer, wiser). It's fine to try to influence others in skillful, ethical ways.

But problems come when we tip into righteousness, resistance, anger, fault-finding, badgering, or any other kind of struggle.

Instead, we could accept them for who they are and for who they are not.

Accepting people does not itself mean agreeing with them, approving of them, waiving your own rights, or downplaying their impact upon you. You can still take appropriate actions to protect or support yourself or others. Or you can simply let people be. Either way, you accept the reality of the other person. You may not like it, you may not prefer it, you may feel sad or angry about it, but at a deeper level, you are at peace with it. That alone is a blessing. And sometimes, your shift to acceptance can help things get better.

How?

Pick someone who is important to you. (You can do this practice with multiple people.) In your mind, out loud, or in writing, say things like these and see how you feel: "I accept you completely. Countless causes, large and small, have led you to think, speak, and act the way you do. You are who you are. I let it be. You are a fact and I accept the facts in my life. You and I are part of a larger whole that is what it is, and I accept it, too."

If you like, be more specific, naming aspects of this person that particularly bother you, such as: "I accept that you . . . snore . . . leave your clothes on the floor . . . are still angry with me . . . have little natural interest in s*x . . . are fighting me tooth-and-nail in this divorce . . . don’t really understand me . . . are not a good teacher for my child . . . break the law . . . hurt people on a large scale . . ." (And remember that you can still disagree with, make requests of, or stand up to other people – while accepting them fully.)

See if you can tolerate what comes up for you when you soften into acceptance. Often we avoid accepting other people as a way to avoid the feelings we’d have if we opened wide to everything they are and everything they’re not.

Consider how you have gotten tangled up with this other person, struggling to change them. When I do this myself, I become aware of my own rightness, positionality, judgments, pushiness, irritability, narrow views, hurts, longings, grievances, or remorse. See if you can let go of some, even all of these entanglements. Open to the easing, relief, and peace that can come when you do.

Also consider how much you like it when you feel that another person accepts you completely. It’s a beautiful gift – and we can give it ourselves to others when we accept them. Imagine how it might improve your relationship with someone if that person felt you accepted him or her fully. Acceptance is a gift that gives back.

09/09/2020

Really finding that this resonates with me at the moment (from Buddhist neoroscientist Rick Hanson) ...

See Deep Wants.

Why?

I did my Ph.D. dissertation by videotaping 20 mother-toddler pairs and analyzing what happened when the mom offered an alternative to a problematic want ("not the chainsaw, sweetie, how about this red truck?!"). Hundreds of bleary-eyed hours later, I found that offering alternatives reduced child negative emotion and increased cooperation with the parent.

Pretty interesting (at least to me, both as a new parent and as someone desperate to finish grad school). And there's an even deeper lesson. Kids – and adults, too – obviously want to get what they want from others. But more fundamentally, we want to know that others understand our wants – and even more fundamentally, that they want to.

Consider any significant relationship: someone at work, or a friend, or a family member. How does it feel when they misinterpret what you want? Or worse, when they couldn't care less about understanding what you want?

Ouch.

When you recognize the deeper wants of others, they feel seen and are less likely to be reactive. Plus you've gained lots of valuable information. And it becomes easier to ask them to do the same for you.

This approach also gradually reveals the profound desires at the center of being. Each person must come to know these in his or her own way. These quintessential leanings of the heart are beyond language. Diffidently and with respect, I could offer three words – fingers pointing at the moon but the not moon itself – that are suggestive: to be conscious, free, and loving.

For you, what are the deepest wants of all?
How?

With a friend or a stranger, look deeper, behind the eyes, beneath the surface. You might sense a wish for pleasure, a commitment to others, a priority on security, a delight in life, a valuing of autonomy, or a need for love.

Look down into your own core of being and into its longings, and you'll find many of the same wishes. They're just as powerful and precious to the other person as they are to you.

Deep down, most wants are positive. The means to these ends may be misguided, but the fundamental ends themselves are usually good ones. Typically, even horrible behaviors are misguided efforts to gain positive things like pleasure, independence, recognition, control, or justice. Of course, this is not to justify these actions in any way. But grounding oneself in the truth, the whole truth, means seeing the whole picture, including the good intentions poignantly producing bad behavior.

Try applying this truth to yourself, regarding some act you regret. What positive aims did the act serve? What's it like to recognize this? For me, opening to see the good aims underlying bad acts actually softens my defensiveness and helps move me to appropriate remorse, and to greater resolve to find better ways to pursue those aims. It also cuts through harsh self-criticism and encourages self-compassion.

Then, during an interaction with someone who is difficult for you – or while reflecting about the relationship as a whole – try to see the deeper wants in the other person, behind the acts of thought, word, or deed that have bothered or hurt you. (I suggest you don't do this if you tend to blame yourself when others mistreat you.) You may not like how the other person is pursuing the deep want, but at least you can align with that want – all deep wants are positive – and if you like, try to figure out less harmful ways to fulfill it.

Last, on the fly or at particularly quiet moments, open to listening to the soft murmurs of your own most fundamental wants. In what ways are you sincerely trying to fulfill them?

Also: are there any of your deepest wants that it feels right to do more for? What would that look like, concretely, in everyday life?

Imagine your deepest wants like a soft warm current at your back, gently and powerfully carrying you forward along the long road ahead. How would this feel?

Where would this road lead?

20/08/2020

Here's a woman whose teachings I really respect, talking about a subject - the wild and sacred feminine - that I've been enjoying working with all week in my (virtual) client room.

In Vajrayana Buddhism, dakinis are seen as unbridled and enlightened feminine energy. Lama Tsultrim Allione on how she discovered her own dakini power.

02/08/2020

https://www.lionsroar.com/food-for-thought/?goal=0_1988ee44b2-ea3640ebf3-22325701&mc_cid=ea3640ebf3&mc_eid=9528848970
Lest we forget ...

Just as you consume food, you consume media. And like food, some media is wholesome and some is unhealthy. Sister True Dedication on why you need to pay attention to what nourishes your mind.

29/07/2020

How much are we in touch with the true benefits and costs of the choices we make each day and how much are these driven by the habitual tendencies of our conditioning? Rick Hanson, one of my favourite neuroscientists, explores exactly this and offers a new perspective for exploring this ourselves.

Make Good Bargains.
Why?

Life is full of tradeoffs between benefits and costs.

Sometimes, the benefits are worth the costs. For example, the rewards of going for a run – getting out in fresh air, improving health, etc. – are, for me at least, worth the costs of losing half an hour of work time while gaining a pair of achy legs. Similarly, it could well be that: getting a raise is worth the awkwardness of asking for one; teaching a child good lessons is worth the stress of correcting her; and deepening intimacy is worth the vulnerability of saying "I love you."

But other times, the benefits are not worth the costs. For example, it might feel good to yell at someone who makes you mad – but at a big price, including making you look bad and triggering others to act even worse. There are indeed rewards in that third beer or third cookie – but also significant costs, including how you'll feel about yourself the next day.

We make a thousand choices a day, each one a bargain in which the brain weighs expected benefits against expected costs. Therefore, it's important to make good bargains, good choices, in which the real benefits are greater than the real costs.

Unfortunately, your brain lies to you all day long. (And to me and to everyone else.)

Here's why:
The reward centers of the brain's limbic system evolved several hundred million years ago. Their relatively primitive processing pursues short-term gratification and basic sensual pleasures, and inflates apparent rewards – all to get the inner bunny chasing the carrot. As a result, the brain routinely overestimates the benefits of things that are not that good for you, such as: consuming sugar, carbohydrates, and intoxicants; playing video games; buying more consumer goods; looking for love in all the wrong places; pounding home one's point; or being one-up in a relationship.
Even more ancient fear centers see shadows under every bush, hyper-focus on apparent threats, and over-generalize from past uncomfortable experiences – all to get the inner iguana running from the stick. Consequently, your brain routinely overestimates the costs of things that are good for you, such as: exercise, taking the time for well-being practices like meditation or prayer, going back to school, setting aside your own position to really understand someone else's, or exposing the soft underbelly of your deeper feelings.

Meanwhile, modern culture bombards us with the promise of inflated rewards – thicker hair! thinner thighs! – and the threat of exaggerated alarms: radioactive clouds coming this way! threat level orange!

So, let's stand up for the truth – and make better bargains.
How?

(To be sure, we can also make mistakes in the opposite direction, such as underestimating the benefits of getting more skillful at being a mate, or the long-term costs of global warming. But in this limited space, let's focus on the brain's bias toward overestimating the benefits of things that are bad – broadly defined – and the costs of things that are good.)

Try to be more aware of the little choices you make about what you will and will not do. Slow things down in your mind and unpack these bargains to be more aware of the anticipated benefits and costs that drive them.

Know your usual suspects – the "carrots" you chase to a fault, and the "sticks" you needlessly run from.

Pick a desire that's been an issue for you (e.g., food, drink, pulling for approval), and ask yourself: Are the expected benefits really that good? Try to imagine them in your body. How intense would they be, how long would they last? What price will you pay later? Are there better ways to get these benefits? Are there better benefits to be found pursuing other aims?

Also pick something that's been a block for you (e.g., public speaking, asserting yourself in love or work, pursuing a lifelong dream), and ask yourself: Are the expected costs really that bad? Truly, how uncomfortable would you actually be, how long would it really last – and how could you cope? Would you survive the experience? How would you feel about yourself, finally pushing through this fear? What other rewards would come to you?

Now, take two, calculated risks – and see what happens: stop chasing some hollow and costly carrot, plus take some positive action you've over-feared, no longer fleeing a paper tiger. Notice that these are much better bargains! Open to and really feel the positive experiences you have earned. Link these good feelings to the specific steps you've taken, and to the general practice of being more conscious and realistic about benefits and costs.

And feel free to keep going – making better bargains.