Brighton Couple Coach

13/11/2024

02/01/2024

All over social media now a plethora of ads for 'let us fix your bipolar' or 'ADHD? We have the answer' Addictions? Try our seven day meditations.. and so on. Please don't use any of these charlatans.

Now, you may have already done so, and you may have had some results, if you have, I'm really, really pleased for you but beware, this kind of thing is rarely durable because it is a one size fits all, temporary fix. It feels good to be getting help, and actually, that is literally, technically the reason why people do well in therapy too - initially.

It's like hiring a 32 piece orchestra and getting a ukelele.

I have enough work. People in my profession are not concerned about 'competition' in case that's what anyone thinks. We are (hopefully) dedicated to the immensely sacred task of supporting and helping our clients towards better mental health. It's not about making money. You will get your fees, but, if it's about making money, you're not doing it right.

MH is a vastly complex and difficult thing to address. That is why we go through lots of training, Continuing Professional Development and so on. Psychotherapy, and I don't mean Analysis, proven ineffective or CBT, not a complete system of therapy but looks good because it's a fixed plan approach, or Tapping, which will not undo half a lifetime of complicated experiences, or whatever, consists of a few things which are vital prerequisites for success.

These are ethics, 100%, never putting the fees above the clients' needs, never trying to 'fix' them - this sounds daft but our job is to accompany them on a journey of exploration and then, if they want to 'fix' themselves with the new information they have, fine. It's also a temporary support system, it's a Process of exploration a collaboration: I am the expert on how to do therapy, you are the expert on YOU.

People don't get it. They think oh, we'll 'fix' bi polar, or trauma, or depression, oh look we have a bunch of 'techniques' etc etc. It never works and this is why: ALL successful outcomes in therapy are based on the ability of the therapist and the client to form a genuine relationship. You cannot do that unless there are regular sessions, over a period of time, you cannot do this overnight. And it won't work unless you really care about your client.

People are desperate to make money these days, understandable I guess, but they've misunderstood our tried, tested and researched core Relational Model and think you can 'treat' trauma and distress like you can tonsilitis or cancer, or whatever. Bi polar disorder for example, is VERY serious and needs careful handling.

All of our clients are already vulnerable. They are not there to profit from. Secondary to that is Assessment, a lot of MH is serious and require medication and care from mainstream psychiatry services, often linked with social services. If you're not qualified to assess what you can and can't work with, that's massively irresponsible. None of these charlatans even know this.

It's not a matter for profit. Regarding addiction, I am a qualified and very experienced addiction counsellor but I don't do it any more. This is because addicts are slippery, addicted people want to continue to do the thing to which they are addicted. They need tough love, challenge, being called out by ex addicts. I do not believe that anyone can do this except AA/NA/GA. Anyone purporting to do 'addiction consultancy' or anything gimmicky is lying. I've seen these people over and over during my career. It never works.

Things like 'Better Help' are also horrible, they treat the therapists like dirt, what's the point? What's the point of us modelling love, patience, empathy, understanding, ethics, if cynical people are going to use vulnerable, traumatised people for profit? Their ad says: "You can try out a therapist and if you don't like them you never have to contact them again". Really? Doesn't the therapist have any feelings? Don't they need some feedback, or at the very least, polite treatment? Jeez.

17/06/2023

If you're considering getting into therapy but are unsure about what can be addressed, this book might help.

Out on Kindle now.

Thinking of getting into counselling or therapy? It can be a daunting prospect. This book identifies ten major areas that we explore in counselling. It's not intended as a self help book, but it does contain good information about the kinds of things which bring people into therapy, and there are...

14/03/2023

Online counsellor and therapist based in Brighton and Hove, East Sussex. Counselling, psychotherapy, relationship therapy and couples counselling for Brighton, Hove, Lewes and also those further afield.

21/11/2022

27/07/2022

I saw a trailer for a TV dating show WHICH said: ‘Tips for dating,…..don’t talk about religion or politics.’

I’d say that too much ‘filtering’ what you say, or faking Who You Are, or worse, simply lying, is the absolute worst thing you can do.

Because if you’re faking anything - and most people unfortunately nowadays see dating as some kind of ‘project’ - you will pay the price down the line.

If you are an enthusiastic follower of something, or care about something, or have an absorbing hobby, the other person needs to know: Right Now.

There is a hierarchy of Deal Breakers. First layer: Things which 99% of people would not be able to tolerate (fill in your own here) Second: Things which you don’t mind and can roll with but a lot of people wouldn’t - Open Relationship, serious health isdue, being on State Benefits, serious addiction issues, are particularly attractive.

Third: Things which might need taking into account and negotiating, as they’d affect a potential relationship: Having children already, a dependent relative, a job which takes you out of town for long periods, a hobby which takes precedent over everything, possibly including relationships. And 4: Trivial things which we could all roll with.

When I was dating after my marriage broke up, I had some preferences, I didn’t like beards, or smokers but I ended up with a smoker who had a beard he gave up both in the end anyway.

Tolerance, Negotiation, and being Truthful are vital. The couple who have faked their way into that relationship can’t keep it up.

One day, the mask slips. Since Tinder and Bumble etc became so popular, it’s a real problem down the line. It may be that under the fake persona, there’s a perfectly fine person with whom you’d like to have a relationship.

Look nice, be polite, but ask some questions. We are constantly entreated to ‘Be Ourselves’ and we should, but it applies to dating too.

26/05/2022

Well this is funny, Frasier is one of my favourite sitcoms, but this clip is not far off many conversations I have had. Only recently someone actually said to me: You can’t change human nature.
Well we’ll always be subject to biology of course. But if I didn’t think, based on three decades of experience, that we can change thought, beliefs and actions, what have I been doing all thus time?
Change is scary and hard but absolutely worth it.

22/05/2022

If you’re wondering how couole therapy works, uou can read this case study on my Facebook Couple page. It’s not a real couple of course it’s a compliation of typical couple work issues and how we start to process them.

03/08/2020

A relationship isn’t a sports fixture.

It’s not about who wins or loses.

All relationships have red zones, orange zones and green zones.

The green zone is where you agree.

The orange zone is where compromise and tolerance live.

The red zone is where the work is.

If you’re not happy about something, you can learn HOW to flag it up without accusation, shaming and criticising.

For example, it's better to say: 'When this happens, I feel…….' than ‘Oh you always/never do that'.

Open communication means looking at an issue from both sides instead of dominating or demanding.

Trying to think about things from the other person’s standpoint is useful.

And really important, when your partner flags up something they don’t like, don’t immediately rush to defence and denial. Stop and think: Do they have a point? People tend to exaggerate during disputes, so quite often, they do. Owning you have a flaw or get it wrong sometimes is 'growth'.

Here’s a simple example. Kevin and Anna have a flashpoint over watching TV and listening to music. Kevin has a habit, if he’s not particularly interested in the show, or the track playing, of keeping up a constant narrative criticising the show or the music. It doesn’t occur to him that this is a waste of time. It’s a covert way of trying to change Anna’s leisure preferences. This never works. They need to spend part of their free time doing something they both like, and watch and listen to their own choices separately.

They also have a flashpoint over Anna’s tendency to be untidy and messy and Kevin’s need to always have everything shipshape. Kevin needs to take responsibility for tidying up since he is the one who cares about it. Anna needs to respect Kevin’s preference and learn not to be too messy because it stresses him. 

People find it incredibly difficult to change, of course - but behaviour change is more than possible, and sometimes if you do, you might feel the benefit yourself as a bonus. After all, we readily change how we do things at work if required, why wouldn’t you make the effort for someone you love?

When disputes come up, we should try to use non combative language so that things get resolved in a positive way.

Much of my work with couples is modelling how to do this, and practising open, non combative dialogue in the therapy room.