31/01/2020
The Gift of Forgiveness
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is the process of gaining inner freedom and liberation from past resentments and feelings of guilt or dismay.
The gift of forgiveness should be enjoyed by any person, nevertheless, for many, it could be painfully difficult.
The prolonged inner holding of resentment negatively affects the mental state of a person. He or she becomes vulnerable, depressed or withdrawn, and in some cases, on the contrary, aggressive and quick-tempered.
In addition to negative psychoemotional influence, the bitterness of unreleased or unforgiven issues strongly affects the physiological functions of the human body.
According to numerous observations of doctors, psychologists and other specialists, resentment associated feelings and emotions (especially driven deep inside) can cause violations in all organs and tissues. And the nature of the localization of the diseases arising from them will depend on the severity and nature of the offense, as well as the duration of the experiences.
“Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.” (Joan Lunden).
In accordance with Louise Hay, the famous life coach, if you find any physical pain or discomfort, you need urgently think who you have to forgive.
Furthermore, “when you feel that you’re stuck in some situation, or when your affirmations aren’t working, it usually means that there’s more forgiveness work to be done.” (Louise Hay)
Why does a person get offended?
Because his or her ideas about life have not been met in an expected way. He or she does not want to accept the traumatic situation and does not understand why this situation arises.
First and foremost, an offended person wants to change attitudes towards oneself, achieve respect, recognition, and justice. Any of us has our own vision of the world and perceives it in a special way.
It turns out that absolutely every person shapes his/her ideas about the upbringing of children, the relationship between people and life in general. When he/she meets a person with other ideas and life values, there may be a misunderstanding that grows into conflict first and then into insult, affront or resentment.
Since ancient times, people struggled with the feelings of resentment, offense or dip disappointment. Almost all world religions consider the forgiveness process as a key for human existence in peace with themselves.
The feeling of offense can be considered as deeply repressed anger. Therefore, it is very important to learn how to give a safe way out to emotions but not driving them deep into yourselves. For example, if you do not agree with something, it's best to express your point of view in polite manner (remembering that everyone has a personal right for choice, even if his choice does not coincide with yours).
Sometimes the intensity of passions reaches such a level that it becomes difficult to express your emotions. It is especially difficult to control them, if before you are accustomed to suppress and hide them.
It is very difficult for some people to forgive someone who once inflicted severe mental or physical trauma. Especially if it's a very close person. As a rule, the offense must be sought in those situations of the past, to which you do not really want to return.
How to act in such cases? Different specialists offer a lot of effective and simple techniques that will help you to part with the burden of the past. Many of them come down to the following actions:
- To begin with, you need to find the strength and desire to return to the traumatic situation and the person who offended you. Therefore, it is worthwhile to allocate time for yourself when no one disturbs you. Disconnect your home and cell phone and remain alone with yourself. You can work with a sheet of paper, writing down key thoughts and remembering moments. Some prefer to perform a series of deep exhalations and breaths for the most complete relaxation of the body.
- Try to reproduce the situation anew, but look at it differently. To do this, we mentally move to the past and recall the main reason for our feeling of resentment or dismay.
- Then you need to understand why this situation happened, what it was supposed to teach you and what a positive lesson you could learn from it. You can think about the person who has offended/disappointed you. What was happening at that moment in his/her soul? What kind of childhood and upbringing did he have, why did he behave this way? What did he/she want to prove to you?
- You might need, in your mind, to thank the person for the current situation and for the lesson that you could learn from it. It is very important to express gratitude to the person and forgive him/her. Better yet, wish him/her all the best and good health.
Sometimes, in order to forgive, you need to address several times to the same situation. Sometimes such practices end in tears. This indicates the effectiveness of the training. Tears are the best way to cleanse the soul of accumulated grievances and get rid of anger.
A liberation from feelings of guilt and resentment against oneself is no less important in the process of forgiveness. This is especially crucial for those who were raised in childhood in excessive rigor and increased criticism.
Growing up, people become critical not only to others but to themselves. Self-criticism leads to feelings of inferiority and guilt. Often such people are very demanding and cannot forgive the slightest mistakes.
Forgiveness of ourselves is very important because this builds our own dignity, respect, love, and acceptance. Therefore, we need to forgive ourselves for all our apparent "failures", misdeeds and mistakes. If they occurred in life, then it “meant to happen”. All this is left in the past and should not have an effect on the present.
If you are interested in learning your unique ways of forgiveness, you are in the right place.
Join us at Self-Awareness Café in High Peak on Saturday 29th February 2020 to become aware how by forgiving others we get freedom for ourselves, improve our relations and quality of life in general.
With love and gratitude,
Tania Leigh, Psychologist & Gestalt Psychotherapist
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