Chester Counselling and Psychotherapy

Chester Counselling and Psychotherapy First established in 2002 Chester Counselling and Psychotherapy specialises in providing Psychotherap

19/07/2021

PAYOFFS.
Why do we do things that deep down we know aren’t good for us or others?
We might say because they are familiar and on some levels that is true.
At a deeper level we may be seeking a psychological payoff and we may be unconsciously setting up a situation that can deliver it.
Imagine for a moment that we all have an inner pinball machine. Pop in a coin and the pinball machine will whir to life. Boom: lights flash, the scoreboard resets, and a stainless steel ball clinks into place, ready to hurtle down the shooter alley towards a maze of ramps, bumpers and traps.
Next Imagine that you can play alongside someone else and connect up the pinball machines so they work together and each of you have learned how to rig your machines to deliver the exact score you both want time after time and you can’t resist playing.
As you might have guessed I’m referring to the psychological Games people can play and not pinball.

Robert Goulding list five steps necessary for a Game.

1. An ostensible stimulus- usually Adult to Adult. (social message)

2. A psychological stimulus. (secret message)

3. A response to the secret message.

4. A payoff of bad feelings.

5. The Game is played out of Adult awareness.


A pinball analogy might be.

1. Ball sent down shooter alley.
2. Rigged Bumpers
3. Hits Flippers
4. Scoreboard Spins to a predetermined score for each player .
5. Gee what happened then.

In real life the payoffs can be relatively mild but can also be harmful and even tragic.
We can all learn how to step out of psychological games and instead learn how to be intimate with one another and have healthy relationships.

A common theme for people I see is the desire to make use of their time productively and many are also saying that they ...
08/02/2021

A common theme for people I see is the desire to make use of their time productively and many are also saying that they can’t seem to motivate themselves right now.

Whenever I hear the word motivation I feel my heart sink and I instantly wonder if that’s what happens for others too. In my history the word motivation was often applied with criticism. You are not motivated – you need to get motivation. Sure- I will go down the co-op and get some right now – what does it cost? It's easy to feel petulant when in our history the word has been used to suggest laziness or a lack of something in us.

Words are powerful and if we have powerful associations with them, they can become obstacles in themselves and bring up resistance. If resistance emerges a supportive approach is to gently see if we can discover what lies beneath us not doing something that we know might be helpful to us.

For example, whilst watching a TV show I heard an actor who had recently undergone open heart surgery confess that he wasn’t doing any exercise even though it had been recommended by his heart surgeon. Initially some might think that he is being silly, wasn’t grateful, couldn’t be bothered or wasn’t motivated. Many of these thoughts are quite judgemental and if we make comments like this to ourselves internally we may increase our resistance.

See if you can think empathically for a moment and come up with supportive reasons for this actor not exercising. These might be -he is scared of finding out just how unfit he is, he doesn’t want to be reminded of how he has neglected himself or he believes that he has to do everything perfectly and he doesn’t want to manage old thoughts and feelings that will emerge when he thinks he isn’t good at doing something. If we are kind with ourselves we can begin to see that some of our reasons are wonky and need updating and if we free ourselves from judgemental thoughts we can give ourselves some wriggle room.

Give yourself encouragement. For me this means deciding to do things in a way that creates fun. If that’s exercise I choose the type of exercise that my inner child wants to do. If somethings boring I’m unlikely to want to stick with it. Keep judgement out and go with the flow of your inner child. If your inner child likes music and making star jumps just do star jumps to music. If you have spare cash and your inner child likes some kit, then buy it before you start.

Reduce expectations. Go with the mantra -whatever I do is enough – I will play for whatever time my child is interested. Be happy with 1 minute 3 minutes 5 minutes. Be curious and look for what feels right for you.

Start coaching. Ask yourself questions -For example, what would it be like for you to do something for more or less time . I recently took up meditation and started with 10 minute sessions. I eventually did some hour long sessions and realised that amount of time definitely wasn’t for me and reduced my time to 30 minute only sessions and really enjoyed them .

Use permissions. For example, its ok for me to experiment until I find what I like doing .

Encourage. I am doing really well. I am having fun and looking after myself.

In these difficult times being kind with ourselves is doubly important. Doing things that are fun or doing things in a fun way makes it more likely that we will do them.

Have you ever wondered what life might be like if no one had invented the phrase What If? For those of us that regularly...
27/06/2020

Have you ever wondered what life might be like if no one had invented the phrase What If? For those of us that regularly hear ourselves use the words ‘what if’ it can seem like the answer lies in the removal of the words from the English language.
There are many What If thoughts we can have and there are four main types of vulnerability that often connect to the thoughts. We may experience more than one type of vulnerability. The types of vulnerability are
1. Health and Illness. -
2. Danger
3. Poverty
4. Losing Control
Origins of Vulnerability.
Some of our vulnerability may be learned. If one or more of our parents was phobic or frightened about specific areas of vulnerability then you may have taken these on albeit in modified form. For example, say one of our parents was frightened of poverty and showed fear when there was any potential for money troubles, then we may find ourselves being stingy with ourselves and spending on something nice might trigger the family fear of poverty.
Your ancestral family may have been overprotective around issues of danger or illness. A parent wishing to avoid their own vulnerability might have warned you off doing certain things which triggered them. As a result, you may not have experienced your own competency or ability to handle everyday issues. If you were climbing a tree as a child would your parents have asked ‘how high can you go’? or said ‘don’t fall’.
Your parents did not adequately protect you. Your home life was fraught with arguments and physical and emotional instability. Any signs of any potential danger now can trigger your inner danger vulnerability.
If you experienced a traumatic event as a child and this may have left you feeling vulnerable. Maybe you moved house when you were young and you had insufficient support to manage the changes and experienced it as a severe threat.
By being curious about what is generating our 'What if' thoughts we can get an idea of where they have come from and their purpose and start to loosen the grip they have had on us. This is a good starting point for you beginning the process of managing your vulnerability and finding peace from 'what if.'

INSIGHTSA few years ago, I was working with a client who was early into his therapy and beginning to increase his awaren...
06/04/2020

INSIGHTS

A few years ago, I was working with a client who was early into his therapy and beginning to increase his awareness and question his attitude to others, his impulsivity and his pattern of pleasing people close to him. We began experimenting with approaches that might help him find an adult response when he felt challenged.

After a few weeks of working together he told me a story about him driving along and answering an incoming call from his son on his mobile phone. He didn’t want to miss the call, so picked up and with one hand on the wheel and the other on the phone, and he had a long conversation with his son. He remembered feeling like he couldn’t disappoint his son and so became stuck talking to him. He recalled how he ludicrously negotiated sets of traffic lights and busy roundabouts and tricky junctions whilst not even mentioning that he was driving to his son. In the end he found himself in the outside lane of a dual carriageway driving too slowly as he fumbled with his phone when another driver undertook him and gave him the usual shaking a tin of beans hand gesture. He became angry and told his son he had to go, and he would ring him back later. He felt angry and his impulse was to chase after the driver and get him back by pulling alongside him and giving him the V’s.

In the moment he remembered how we had discussed having a mantra of ‘first thought wrong’ when he experienced impulsive reactions. He took a deep breath and asked himself to get grounded and think again.

The mantra had given him time to think -

‘I don’t like how the other driver behaved towards me but if I look beneath that then he was calling out my reckless behaviour. I was acting badly and putting others at risk for the sake of deciding not to answer the phone’.

He became calmer as his new thinking allowed him to see clearly his own side in creating an involvement with someone who was going to challenge him in a provocative way. He realised that as an adult he could decide not to get lost in the way he had been challenged. Next, he thought about his fear of disappointing anyone close to him and resolved to talk to his son and ask him what he would have thought and felt if he hadn’t answered his call.

When we are open to trying new ways of responding we can gain new insights and skills.

Follow us on instagram Users of self-medication are familiar with the rush or high that comes with their chosen addictio...
25/02/2020

Follow us on instagram

Users of self-medication are familiar with the rush or high that comes with their chosen addiction or compulsion. At the centre of the self-medication use is the fear and knowledge that the self he/she presents to the world, the social self is a lie. The presenting social self has been constructed to fit in with the demands and trauma of his/her childhood. The anxiety and depression that come with pretending can be intense and escaping into a self-medication creates the illusion that there can be freedom however fleeting. Eventually the use will likely be noticed, and attempts made by those around us to put a STOP to the behaviour that they see as self-destructive and selfish.

Imagine the conflict within the addicted as they attempt to pull back from what they thought was their way of finding themselves and a way of feeling alive. They have been duped. Duped because they were degraded by an act of abuse when they were children and he/she was taught to devalue the things within him/herself which would protest the abuse.

Ironically the addicts journey to find self is not dissimilar to the journey some of us make to spirituality. At the centre of spirituality lies the knowledge that the social self, the world of societal values, is a lie. The addict has found a dodgey road map but the intention was good. Ditching the map and confronting the lie can stimulate the desire for a new and healthy journey.

https://instagram.com/chestercounselling?igshid=1imj5zkblnr4l

14/10/2019

Chester Counselling and Psychotherapy counsellors and psychotherapists specialise in working with adults who may be suffering from a variety of emotional difficulties that may involve experiences such as:

loss and bereavement
depression
anxiety and panic attacks
crises of identity
relationship problems
eating disorders
sexual abuse issues
assertiveness problems
life crisis
lack of self esteem

Address

Chester
CH11NZANDCH12HT

Opening Hours

Monday 8:30am - 8pm
Tuesday 8:30am - 8pm
Wednesday 8:30am - 8pm
Thursday 8:30am - 8pm
Friday 8:30am - 8pm
Saturday 9am - 1pm

Telephone

+447496357414

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