09/08/2023
Parental Alienation on MOTHER Earth!
(Jim Lovell recalls the event: "Jack Swigert saw a warning light that accompanied the bang, and said, 'Houston, we've had a problem here.'). More commonly quoted as “Houston we have a problem”. Either way, it was about a system failure, a warning light and a bang!
A system, according to the dictionary is: “a set of things working together as parts of a mechanism or an interconnecting network; a complex whole.” OR “a set of principles or procedures according to which something is done; an organised scheme or method “
Failure of a system has the potential to result in disaster. I am taking the opportunity to finally write about this disaster today. An open letter of sorts to all the systems that have failed and continue to fail alienated parents and their children. For too long I have kept quiet, stayed in the background, for fear of causing further damage, alienating further or “getting into trouble”.
The systems I speak of are numerous: the family courts, the police, the county councils, the social workers, the teachers, the heads of schools, the therapeutic interventions, the ELSA’s - all have been encountered, and none have heard the concern over parental alienation occurring, the worry about psychological split taking place, the agony of losing a living child.
Yes, they have listened, nodded their heads, commented on how awful it all sounds, promised to look into it, to report it, to speak to their superiors, to raise it as a concern, to keep it confidential. None of this has been followed through…not once. Instead, the system continues in it’s broken way, taking with it hundreds, probably thousands, of innocent children, alienated parents, broken hearts/souls.
These systems allow parents who have alienated their children from their other parent to become foster carers. In what world is this ok? This one, the broken one. It doesn’t matter if the alienated parent has concerns about their child. They are interviewed, recorded, promised confidentiality in relation to their concerns and ignored - what is the point. Aside from the fact that a breach of confidentiality has taken place, far more importantly, the blood child continues to be put into a position of “having to choose”, having to make emotional responsibility decisions that only an adult should be holding.
What makes me sick to my core, disgusted and embarrassed to be part of the therapeutic community at times, is that the particular person that I am referring to in this letter, is an integral part of this broken system. The same broken system that is allowing the fostering, the same broken system that employs them to look after other people’s children, the same broken system who is aware of the concerns raised over the years. And still, it is ignored - perhaps this is exactly the reason it has been ignored - too many chiefs…
During the assessment phase of a fostering application, according to the book “Assessing adoptive parents, foster carers and kingship carers” here is a list that has been highlighted by social workers as important qualities of a potential carer:
“Empathy, warmth and nurturing, and the ability to continue to offer these even when the child appears to reject them
“Flexibility and the capacity to manage loss, change, pain and grief:
“The ability to ask for help and support”
Openness and a willingness to learn and be cooperative””
The ability to be accepting of differences and our own human frailties. Realistic expectations of themselves and their child”
“Being playful and the ability to have fun and enjoy spending time with children”
“Being good at relationship building, maintaining and repairing relationships, and resolving conflict”
“Good reflective functioning and potential for mind-mindedness”
“No unresolved past trauma issues”
Ability to regulate when stressed”
I can guarantee you with every bit of my being that these boxes are not possible to tick in the case of a mother who continues to use coercive control and emotional in**st to alienate her child from his father. Or perhaps, the fact that she is in every way the epitome of a narcissist she therefore “exudes” these qualities and has managed to manipulate the system, as always, in every way possible.
The system has and continues to fail, the warning lights are being ignored and there is a lot more than just one explosion.
