07/10/2025
This is superb advice ā¤ļø
If your Neurodivergent Child is having a meltdown....
it's important to recognize that
THIS IS NOT A TEACHING MOMENT.
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Why do I say that?
Because during a meltdown, there are physiological changes occurring inside your child,
that make it IMPOSSIBLE for them to process relevant information and apply it to the situation.
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What changes?
Cortisol levels are spiking, leading to faster breathing, and a racing heart,
making them feel
sweaty and nauseous.
Cortisol flooding makes your child intensely SENSETIVE to sensory stimuli,
which increases the chances
of SENSORY OVERLOAD.
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This also amplifies anxiety and fear responses in the brain....
AND causes mental fog
(which makes it difficult to think clearly and almost impossible to remember things).
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In addition your child's pre-frontal cortex (which processes information and retains it for learning) goes OFFLINE...
leaving information to be processed by the Amygdala and Limbic system.
Those parts of the brain deal with:
Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn responses....
And emotions like
Rage,
Fear,
and Aggression.
So THAT, is what your child has left, to work with.
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In cases like that, it's NORMAL for a child experiencing a meltdown,
to exhibit
"PROBLEMATIC" behaviors,
like yelling, kicking,
hissing, biting,
growling, hitting,
insulting and swearing at others,
throwing or destroying things,
refusing to leave their current location,
refusing to accept help,
running towards a location that feels safer,
and acting like
THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
OR EVEN TRUST
FAMILIAR CAREGIVERS.
It's normal because their "Thinking Brain" is OFFLINE, and their "Survival Brain" is running the show.
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So WHAT CAN YOU DO when they are having a meltdown?
1) STAY SAFE
Use your body to BLOCK them from SEEING people and things they might lash out at.
Hold a cushion, purse, or book in front of your body to shield yourself.
Direct or lead your child to an area with fewer items they can hurt themselves/others with.... or remove heavy/sharp items which could be thrown.
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2) STAY CALM
Fake it, if you need to...
But keep
a level voice,
NEUTRAL facial expression,
calm/receptive body language.
Listen...
repeat their words back to them, occasionally. ("Yes. The loud noise scared you." and "It felt unfair.")
But mostly just LISTEN and be a SOOTHING presence.
DON'T cross your arms,
furrow your brow,
glare,
scowl,
or tighten your fists.
Just let your child's meltdown HAPPEN and don't try to fight against it.
It's as natural as a baby crying when they don't yet have the skils to communicate.
Recognize that it's TEMPORARY and will PASS quicker if you show them what CALM LOOKS LIKE.
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3) DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
They are quite literally, "not in their right mind."
Try to ignore insults and verbal attacks.
Punishing these is like punishing an injured kitten from clawing someone who tries to pick it up--
punishing biological instincts will just further dysregulate a panicked child....
and will do nothing to heal the hurt that is making them to lash out, in the first place!
Don't punish now.
Don't punish later.
Meltdowns are biological responses to trauma and pain.
Meltdowns NOT moral failings.
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And when it's over
4) PICK UP AND MOVE ON
When the meltdown is over and cortisol DROPS,
breathing slows,
the heart returns to a steady beat.
and muscles relax,
WHICH IS GOOD.
But your child may feel like they just finished a marathon.
They will be looking to you, to CO-REGULATE with them,
showing them how to
CALMLY MOVE FORWARD.
Moving forward might look like this:
Child:
I hated how that felt and I was mad at him so I yelled. And now I am thirsty....
and I think that we should have juice next time when I get thirsty.
Parent:
I like the idea of bringing juice boxes with us. There is a juice box in the car. Should we go get it, together?
Child:
Yeah and I wanna take off my shoes.
Parent:
Okay. We will go to the car, get juice, and take off your shoes. Let's go.
Child:
Yeah. My feet hurt.
Parent:
We can try to fix that problem, together. Let's get to the car and have our juice. Okay?
Child:
Okay.
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OPTIONAL STEP
5) PRACTICING FOR NEXT TIME
If you think your child is likely to encounter a very similar situation in the future, then later that night or the NEXT day....
You can talk calmly through some coping strategies, and practice them.
It's important to AVOID SHAMING your child.
And its REALLY important to practice when they are calm and feel SAFE.
Keep it simple.
For instance:
Mom:
Since the music was so loud at the baseball stadium, I think we should bring along headphones, next time.
Eleanor:
Okay.
Mom:
Let's make a sensory kit, together. We can pack up headphones, fidget toys, an aromatherapy locket, a juice box, and one of your beanbag animals. Which animal would you like to pack into the bag?
Eleanor:
I like the hedgehog. He feels heavy and I like to carry him around when I get nervous.
Mom:
Excellent idea. So hedgehog will be in our sensory bag and we can practice using the sensory bag when we go to the grocery store, later today.
Eleanor:
Can I bring my enormous blue marble, too? I like to roll it across my forehead.
Mom:
Of course. Anything else?
Eleanor:
My dark sunglasses.
Mom:
Perfect choice. Thanks kiddo.
Eleanor:
You're welcome.
Mom:
We'll just keep working together. I love you, just the way you are.
Eleanor:
Love you. Sorry I was grumpy, yesterday.
Mom:
Everyone gets grumpy sometimes. But we keep moving forward.
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Which is these steps is hardest for you?
Learning to actually STAY CALM was very hard for me, but now I'm a pro!
