Elisha Nunhofer Psychotherapy & Counselling

27/03/2022

Acknowledging the nuanced, generational, multi-layered relationships many have with Mother’s Day 💗

26/02/2022

14/03/2021

We all have different relationships to Mother’s Day.
Whatever your relationship to Mother’s Day, I am thinking of you 💗
Whether you... are mothering, are a mother who has lost a child, are being mothered, find Mother’s Day difficult, are becoming a mother, have lost a mother, are yearning to be a mother, are step-mothering, are mothering without your child, are god-mothering, are helping another become a mother, are questioning whether you are a mother because your child/baby has died, have lost a mother, your pregnancy has ended in loss, are grand-mothering, are choosing not to be a mother, have a complicated relationship with your mother, are struggling with motherhood. Whatever your mother status, this is for you 💗

01/11/2020

November can be a difficult month in the northern hemisphere, with temperatures dropping, evenings closing in, the ground becoming water-logged and knowing it will last for many months!

Here in the UK, we were told everyone will be entering a 2nd lockdown for all of November (some have been for weeks/months already), and lockdowns are hard! The impending Winter coupled with lockdown will be crippling for some. I wish it weren’t so!

I came across this little poem in a children’s book today... May we all have some of the light of the fire to notice the mysteries and be free to dream.

NOVEMBER

Grey is November,
Cold as cold.
Stormy November,
wind and rain.
No snow.
No ice.
No glittering sun.
Grey is November,
except
by the bright fire
with a story,
a cushion for the cat,
the dark shut outside
and the light in the flames
where mysteries lie
and we dream.

22/10/2020

Some thoughts on grieving – is it ok to grieve busily?

Why do we assume that if we keep ourselves busy in grief, we will at some point collapse emotionally? Why do we try and encourage loved ones to seek therapy/help if they return to work or ‘normal life’ too soon? Who is the ‘too soon’ for?

In his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, David Kessler talks about ‘practical grieving’, as one of many different ways of grieving. He emphasises that we should never assume that if someone has filled their life with busy-ness that they loved the deceased any less than someone who is visibly crumpled and tearful.

The way someone grieves publicly has no correlation to how deeply they cared for that person, and being busy is not an indicator of whether someone is processing their grief or not. If before grief someone filled their life with events, work etc, it is possible they will do so in grief too.

For some people, busy-ness in grief is a denial or distraction, but maybe that is OK too? If you are concerned for yourself or a loved-one, ask how you/they are. If being busy is what feels right for you at that time, then it probably is OK. If you wish you could slow down, take a pause, then maybe this is an indication that the busy-ness is no longer what you need.

Grief is a wholly unique expression of sadness for a loved one, and there is no one way to express or experience this.

Why do we assume that if we keep ourselves busy in grief, we will at some point collapse emotionally? Why do we try and encourage loved ones to seek therapy/help if they return to work or normal life ‘too soon’? Who is the ‘too soon’ for?

15/10/2020

Today marks the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week. There will be a global wave of light between 7pm-8pm local time. Many people, including bereaved parents will be lighting a candle in the name of their child. As social media lights up with these precious images, the hope is to experience a sense of community amongst all those whose babies have died too soon. This hour is a time to break the silence surrounding pregnancy loss, and for all who have experienced this to not feel so isolated and alone. I have my candle burning, and my heart goes out to all who are living with grief

18/05/2020

I’m taking a Facebook break (all is good, I am just reducing social media for a bit). I am still working, so please do get in touch if you need me - I’d love to hear from you! You can contact me through my website www.elishanunhofer.com

28/03/2020

I have been feeling exactly this so acutely these last days as we (in the U.K. and other countries) are all in physical isolation through physical distancing. This visceral feeling that I should have hugged all my friends and family tighter and longer.

And, what I have noticed too, is how these feelings of ‘if only I had known and hugged longer and tighter...’ combined with not knowing how long this lockdown is for, has the potential to reignite feelings of grief for our loved ones who are no longer living.

If this is something you have noticed, or are noticing now - go gently. If you have space, time or inclination you can possibly begin to gently unravel those feelings of grief from the feelings of lockdown.

We will get through this, and it shall pass. And we shall hug again!

I originally saw this from who saw it at

20/01/2020

New research investigating levels of post-traumatic stress in women in the nine months following miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy hit the headlines here in the UK last week.

The results suggest that “women experience high levels of post-traumatic stress, anxiety and depression after early pregnancy loss.” My guess is that this comes as no surprise to anyone who has experienced any form of pregnancy loss.

You can read my response here, which in summary is of course women experience post traumatic stress! Note, I am not suggesting PTSD (=disorder)

Pregnancies that end before 12 weeks gestation are wrapped in layers of loneliness. The women I see in my practice are grieving the loss of their unborn baby and the hopes and dreams bestowed upon the child of their future. But, being before the societally normative time of sharing the news, the los

07/11/2019

MOTHER IDENTITY

Did you struggle with the transition from the old you to the new “Mother” you?

Becoming a mother is possibly the biggest change in a woman's life, and yet there is often little acknowledgment of its gravity.

Nissa and I discuss some of the more difficult parts including loneliness, grieving for your old self and how common this is.

Anthonissa Moger - The Hypnobirthing Midwife

31/10/2019

~ You don’t know what's going on in people’s lives ~

I was chatting with a friend recently, and we were discussing awareness of our privileges - financial status, skin colour, culture, children/no children, sexuality, job/work, ethnicity, mental health, gender... (this list is by no means definitive, or in any particular order of hierarchy).

Being aware of one’s privileges is incredibly important as they come with power, whether you like it or not! If you are ignorant to these powers, or ignore them, they can be damaging to others. This damage can be blatant, or unconscious to both parties – regardless, it can still be harmful.

However, I feel personal awareness requires awareness of the ‘awareness’! There can be a personal cost where we (un)consciously discredit our own individual pains because they are ‘less than’ someone else’s pain. Because we are being ‘aware’!

Pain comparison is a really slippery slope - I have witnessed it in those going through fertility treatment (I’m one of the lucky ones because ‘at least’ I can afford this), babyloss grief (gestation at time of death comparison), feelings of not being allowed to talk about financial difficulties because of not being on benefits/having food on the table, not being able to complain about work, because at least you have work etc. You will always, always find someone worse off than you, and this kind of comparison, especially when we direct it towards ourselves due to our privileges, compounds our own pain and can lead to feelings of anxiousness and worthlessness. It is OK to say ‘today sucks’ and just leave it at that.

The important message for me, is that we don’t know what is going on in someone else’s life – it isn’t always visible (especially when privilege becomes the only factor of judgement), so be kind. Other people's behaviour that doesn’t make sense to you will (mostly) be making sense to the person doing it!