A Positive Start CIC

28/12/2025

27/12/2025

One of the first things I invite the people I work with to explore is becoming their own best friend.

For many, that idea feels impossible at first. The body tightens. The words don’t land. So we start small and gently. If saying “I approve of myself” feels too uncomfortable or activating in the body, we choose something that feels less alien, more reachable — “I am learning to like myself,” or “I am open to being kinder to myself.”

We build from there, slowly and respectfully, allowing the nervous system to experience safety in self-regard. Over time, what once felt impossible becomes tolerable… then believable… until one day, it’s possible to look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say, congruently and without flinching:

“I approve of myself.”

Because “I approve of myself” isn’t something that needs agreement, permission, or applause from anyone else. You are the only person who has to mean it.

27/12/2025

Within the person-centred approach, articulated by Carl Rogers, three core conditions support growth and healing: Congruence, Unconditional Positive Regard, and Empathic Understanding.



Congruence is often described simply as being real, but in practice it is much deeper than honesty alone. Congruence is inner alignment — when what we feel, think, say, and do are broadly in harmony. When congruence is present, people often feel safer, even when the truth being spoken is difficult. When it is absent, something can feel off, even if the words sound pleasant.

From my lived and professional experience, I understand incongruence as existing at both ends of a behavioural spectrum, with congruence sitting at the centre — a fulcrum.



At one extreme are narcissistic-leaning behaviours, where painful emotions are directed outward. There may be charm or smiling externally, while internally there is anger, spite, jealousy, greed, blame, or contempt. The energy moves away from self and onto others.

At the opposite extreme are people-pleasing behaviours, which are also forms of masking. Here, a “yes” hides a “no”. Smiles conceal resentment, fear, obligation, guilt, shame, self-blame, or unworthiness. The energy turns inward, directed against the self.

Different direction — same split.

Those shaped by trauma or chronic unpredictability are often particularly attuned to incongruence. Research into neuroception and affective neuroscience suggests that humans continuously and unconsciously scan for safety, threat, and authenticity — often sensing misalignment before it is consciously recognised. This is frequently mislabeled as “hypersensitivity”, when it may in fact be refined survival intelligence.

At the centre of this spectrum sits congruence, alongside truth, honesty, integrity, empathy, compassion, respect, trust, love — and crucially, accountability.

This is how I understand the healing journey - recognising - learning how emotions feel in the body, noticing when we are out of alignment, understanding the consequences of directing pain outward or inward, and gently returning to centre. Reasoning with ourselves. Repairing where needed. Listening to conscience rather than overriding it.

This also has relevance in leadership. Imposter leaders often move between the two ends of the scale — deflecting responsibility outward through blame or control when challenged, and shifting inward through appeasement, avoidance, or false humility when approval is at risk. What is missing is not competence, but congruence. Decisions are driven by self-protection rather than accountability or care for those in their responsibility.

Congruence is not about being harsh or unfiltered.
It is about being real without harm.

And when we move closer to centre, nervous systems settle, relationships soften, and trust has room to grow.

This is my perspective — shaped by lived experience and practice — offered not as diagnosis, but as an invitation to reflect.

26/12/2025

When working with people who have experienced complex trauma, judgement, criticism and rejection — in all their subtle and overt forms — are not neutral.

They are often felt as threat.

And what’s important to understand is this:
the nervous system often responds before words are spoken.

A look that feels dismissive.
A tone that carries impatience.
An energy that says “you are a problem, not a person.”

For someone whose system learned early to stay alert for danger, even things that resemble judgement, criticism or rejection can activate defence. Withdrawal. Shutdown. Silence. Emotional distance.

At that point, emotional safety is lost.
And when safety goes, trust goes with it.

This is why I support compassionate inquiry and the principles of TRUST:

Trigger recognition – noticing when something has shifted internally
Reassurance – communicating safety rather than threat
Understanding – seeking meaning, not blame
Safety – slowing things down before pushing forward
Truth – honesty held with care, not harm

TRUST is not about being soft.
It’s not about avoiding accountability.
And it’s certainly not about excusing behaviour.

It’s about understanding how trauma closes people down — and how easily we can unknowingly reinforce that closure.

Judgement and criticism are often registered long before a conversation even begins. Many people don’t feel spoken to — they feel looked through. Seen as a presentation, a behaviour, a problem to be managed.

That was my experience.
And it’s the experience of many others.

When someone has had to rely on hypervigilance to survive, neuroception matters. Safety and danger are sensed, not reasoned. Barriers can be up before the first sentence lands.

Compassionate inquiry helps prevent us from triggering our own internal processes too — the frustration, the need to control, the impulse to correct rather than connect. Those responses can keep everyone stuck.

Internal safety is what allows reflection, responsibility and repair to happen.

Without it, people don’t open — they protect.

If we want honesty, engagement and meaningful change, we have to create spaces where nervous systems can settle enough for truth to emerge.

Because TRUST isn’t built through pressure.
It’s built through presence.

And for some, that presence is the first safe experience they’ve ever known.