12/04/2022
I heard his little voice before I saw him.
‘Cooper. Cooper. We don’t hurt our body. We love it.’
I peeked around the corner.
What I saw made me gasp.
The three year old who wants to be 9 like his next older brother.
Blonde hair. Bare feet. Scabbed over knees from a crash on his bike. A Paw Patrol costume half on.
He was holding a Ninja Turtle in one hand.
The other hand was stretched out. Holding his older brother’s hand.
Cooper. He is 11 years old. And he is autistic and nonverbal. He also has anxiety which in this mama’s opinion is his biggest challenge.
It consumes him at time. Like a tornado. Wrapping around him and pulling him away from us.
He’s anxious about Easter. And how many sleeps until he sees his grandparents.
He also wants me to find 5 certain, specific movies about trains that were in an old issue of Trains Magazine from 2011.
I haven’t found them yet. The pressure is on.
When his anxieties rise, he often picks at his fingers and nails and nose. Until the skin is raw. And the nails are gone. He hides the results the best he can but this mama sees all.
She knows.
It is the most heartbreaking part for me as a mom to a mysterious little boy who carries a heavy weight sometimes. One I wish I could take from him.
A hundred times a day I saw…’we don’t pick buddy. We don’t hurt our bodies. We love our bodies.’
And, ‘how can I help? What can I do Cooper?’
I could say it in my sleep.
Today though, I was doing dishes.
And my 3 year old, the one who jumps off couches and wants to ride a dirt bike and be big, did it for me.
He held his older brother’s hand and gently reminded him that we love our bodies.
They stood there together for a beat. The reminding lifting the anxiety weight for the next few minutes.
As if taking the weight for a second.
‘How can I help Cooper. Should I get mama?’
These siblings. They are always watching. Learning. Absorbing.
Eventually advocating. Born into it. The littlest advocates.
It’s a beautiful life when you look at it that way. The gift of loving and protecting so fiercely. ❤️❤️
This piece is written by Kate Swenson of Finding Cooper's Voice.
