12/01/2022
This really spoke to me - sometimes we think we have got things, life, health, whatever, done and dusted but, often, we find ourselves having to deal with the challenging aspects of these things again, at a later date, often in a different way or at a deeper level. In AA we used to call this 'peeling away the layers of the onion' - same thing, different level.
I have found this recently with health issues. I was given a label of 'fibromyalgia', a couple of years back, which covers a multitude of symptoms for which there is no obvious cause, eg pain, fatigue, brain fog ... and which is often diagnosed when all other things have been eliminated.
Research now shows us that it follows a pattern in people who have experienced trauma and/or persistent stress earlier in life and is triggered by a trauma later in life eg a bereavement, assault, operation, relationship breakdown, etc...
From the spring of 2020, I went head to head with this condition which I was told is 'incurable so you might as well give up work, sign on for disability benefits, and take painkillers and antidepressants for the rest of your life' paraphrasing the consultant. To which I responded 'thank you, I won't be doing that, I will find a way to get better'. Such is my experience with the doom proponents of those who limit their research to NHS training manuals.
I have since put in huge resource to reading many of the research papers and books, consulting trauma specialised therapists, nutritionists, naturopaths, chiropractors, and other specialists. I have made great progress and the flare ups have decreaded in number and intensitiy, to the extent that, since a flare up shortly after moving, I have been largely healthy for 6 months.
I have to acknowledge that I have high sensitivity to stress (on the body, mind, and emotions) and have to be considered when I make decisions about where and on what, to focus my energy. I, typically, find this difficult as I tend to be an 'all in' person when it comes to taking things on in any sphere, whether it is life, work, relationships, or other projects.
Cue New Year, I find myself with those familiar sensations of fatigue, pain, and the accompanying general lowness these things bring - it started in relation to my monthly cycle, but it continued. With its attendant dulling of mood, I found myself in the 'I should know better than to allow this to come on again', 'I've failed in my personal/spiritual development efforts', 'i'm not doing well enough' 'I'm letting people down', territory.
I had to put a stop to that pretty quickly as it is self fulfilling and definitely not the default pattern I want to return to. This stuff is powerful and, left unhindered, quickly spirals out of control.
So, I regrouped and considered the year I have had with it's extremes of highs and lows, massive change, ardous tasks, emotional whirlwinds, and physical endurance tests. It's no small wonder that, as soon as I stopped, my body would respond in this way, especially considering what i know about it.
After that, I just allowed it to be what it was. I put all thoughts of what I thought I 'should' be doing - getting the year off to a perfect start, decorating like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen, homeschooling and keeping house like Mary Poppins, cooking like Delia, running my business like Elon Musk, (I mean, who the hell do I think I am, right? :D ) I slept, a lot ... when I felt able to I went walking. In short, I was guided by my body and my intuition.
I may not be fully out of the woods yet, I need to be aware of my tendency to jump right in when I feel slightly better - I have learned that is counter-productive, the hard way.
So, love her or hate her, the Iron Lady is on point with this one ;)
