23/04/2025
Today marks what would have been 23 years married legally.
A lot of people say divorce must be the hardest part.
But for me?
The hardest part…
Was saying yes to myself.
And realizing that I get to say yes to someone else again one day.
Not from fear.
Not from guilt.
But from truth.
I grieved quietly for most of 2024.
It was a year of deep shadow for me.
Not because I was broken
But because I was finally honest about how much I’d been avoiding…
How much my leadership had been carrying on the outside
while battling storms within.
I used to think I understood pain.
But I never really learned how to turn pain into power.
I only knew how to move. How to build. How to survive.
There were days I felt whole
like, "I have a man who loves me, I’m safe now."
And then the voice came in:
"Will I ever feel fully satisfied with someone else again?"
It wasn’t just grief.
It was regret.
Anguish.
Moments where I looked back on my 20s and thought,
"Did I waste them?"
Now, I’m stepping into 42.
Single.
And for a moment, I judged myself.
"A woman in her 40s… single again… what’s wrong with you?"
But here’s the thing:
This is the best I’ve ever felt in my life.
Not because I’m independent.
Not because I figured it all out.
But because I finally understand how I love.
What I desire.
And the kind of love I will no longer apologize for craving.
I don’t need a man for money.
But my standard?
He’s abundant. He can provide.
Not because I need, but because I know what I bring and I deserve to be met.
I’ve dated below my standard before.
I gave myself 5 good years to unravel why.
I don’t blame my childhood.
I don’t blame my ex.
I don’t blame God or the stars.
I just knew deeply that I would figure it out.
And this is exactly why I never hired married coaches to teach me about relationships.
Because all they taught me was how to be a “better wife.”
Christian churches taught the same tired philosophy with no space for the new paradigm woman.
I didn’t need to be more obedient.
I didn’t need to be more independent either.
What I needed…
Was to come back to me.
To the truth beneath my roles.
To the woman I abandoned for peace.
To the softness I shamed to stay powerful.
And today…
I honour her.
Not just because she divorced…
But because she chose herself, fully.
If you’re in that space grieving love, redefining your womanhood, battling your own shadows…
You're not behind.
You're not broken.
You're just coming home.
