25/10/2025
Bullying, Being Different, and Waiting for an Invitation to Belong...
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One thing that happened a lot, when I was growing up Autistic, is that bullies would target me--with Lazer focus. 🎯
Whenever I went, they found me.
Camp, school, Youth group....bullies everywhere.
They would insult me, trip me, spread rumors about me, even cut the end off my braided hair, 💇♀️
And then, if I dared to ask WHY they were so keen on destroying me,
they would say, "It's because you think you are better than the rest of us." 🤯
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It felt so WEIRD.
It never made sense to me. 🧐
I didn't think I was better than anyone else. I didn't think I was worse, either. 🤷♀️
For the most part, I was just so used to being marked as DIFFERENT,
that I just withdrew into my own little world, and gave up on peer friendship, empathy, and reciprocity. 🙍♀️ 🧍♂️👭 🧍♀️🧑🤝🧑👫
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Instead, I had books, music, and little hobbies that seemed strange to other 14 year olds....
Like bringing my embroidery hoop and sewing hamper to a lecture on middle school community internships 😏 🪢....
And engaging high school teachers in discussions about Akira Kurosawa films....
Or simply asking if I could use quiet reading time to put on headphones
and listen to BBC Radio's unabridged production of the Lord of the Rings, on my Walkman.
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Reflecting on the bullying now, I think what bothered them,
was NOT JUST that I couldn't mask my Autism and ADHD, 🧠
but also that they couldn't even see me TRYING to fit in.
That didn't fit their idea of NORMAL. 😎
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If I had awkwardly TRIED to imitate their fashion,
had followed their lead in voting for HomeComing Queen, 👸
had copied trendy hair styles,
and had been seen eavesdropping on their gossip 👂 (instead of being completely engrossed with my book)--
Then maybe they wouldn't have been so threatened.
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But my total independence from the group, made them feel rejected and irrelevant... 😔
and they were too young to recognize that they were PROJECTING their insecurities onto me, and that I didn't intend to reject them at all,
but rather I just didn't understand why they cared so much about
Juicy track suits,
New Kids on the Block,
Calvin Klein cologne,
who had the "Rachel" haircut,
how to do N'Sync choreography,
when the latest pop CD's were dropping, 💿
and what had happened last night on "Party of Five."
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Add in my interest in social justice ⚖️
and LOUD determination that my school should do things like:
*change the anti-discrimination policy to include sexual orientation,
*add more black and Latino authors to the American Literature classes, 🙋🏿♀️
*eliminate policies that made it difficult for girls to participate in sports and shop classes,🏋♀️
*Change the dress code to eliminate punishments for exposed bra straps or wearing head scarves 🧕
And a dozen other things....
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🫠 ....And I think some or my peers felt like I was making a power play to be more like the teachers/administrators.
To disassociate myself from them.
When really, I had never been one of them, at all....
because I had been awaiting an invitation that never came!
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Neurotypical teens AREN'T explicit in their invitations.
They don't say, "Hey, you should hang out with us."
Instead they say, "I'll probably be hanging in the bleachers by the track, after Geometry. A couple other people might come, too."
And they expect you to JOIN them.
But nobody told me that!
And I was WAITING for an explicit invite!
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So, I very well MAY have "rejected invitations" to be "one of them," without even knowing it!
And if I HAD spent time with them, I probably would have ASKED why things like JNCO Jeans and body glitter were so important to them.
Because I wasn't disinterested.
I just didn't understand any of it. And I didn't have anyone to ask about it. 🤷♀️
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I guess the points of this post are the following:
1) If your child has unique interests, don't stifle them.
Let them be openly weird. Let them stim. Let them craft and hum and READ.
Those things are their survival mechanisms.
They are regulating and soothing in circumstances that feel alien and confusing. 🧝♂️🤸♀️🕺👩🚀🧞♂️
And if you can find OTHER people who SHARE those unique interests...that is one of the BEST things you can do, to keep them mentally healthy.
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2) If your child might be waiting for an invitation to hang out, then practice different STYLES of invitations with them.
They may not realize others are TRYING to connect with them.
And have THEM practice making those INDIRECT types of invites too.
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3) You need to be PROACTIVE in connecting them with others.
Be the parent who awkwardly asks to get the other parent's contact info,
and then text to set up an adventure to the comic book store or science museum.
Sign kiddo up for an Outschool or other online social group,
so they can get those infodumps out to a willing audience.
Go to family social events and try to be a social bridge for your child.
Point out specific kids that your child seems to vibe with, and encourage YOUR child to make an invitation.
Take multi-generational classes with them, or join a table top gaming group with them.
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4) If your child is being bullied, remember that it isn't their fault.
Don't tell them to just "avoid" their bullies and "avoid conflict." It doesn't work like that.
They often don't have a choice about who shares their space.
Instead, teach them how to deflect, de-escalate, and walk away to find help, when conflict happens.
And remind them that you are ALWAYS on their side, so they are never really alone.
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5) And lastly, if your kid sticks out like a Square peg in a Round hole, and doesn't care about fitting in or what's trendy....
It might still be a good idea to get them
a popular haircut
trendy jeans
a popular video game themed lunchbox
some "exclusive merch" from a famous YouTuber
or the toy that is #1 in the toy catalog.
So long as it doesn't upset them, irritate their sensory needs, or make it impossible to afford things they need--these little signs of being a "part of the group " might help them out.
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Were you bullied as a child?
What kinds of things do you remember about being bullied?
I remember a girl in my Geometry class, cutting my hair when my braided brushed the desk behind me.
I was shocked, not just because she had cut it, but because she was OUTRAGED when the shorter hair revealed my shirt tag....
I had been given a new GAP shirt by a relative, and my bully didn't think someone like me should have trendy clothes.
As I ran my hands over my severed hair she kept saying, "YOU shop at THE GAP??!! No way!! That's literally INSANE!"
