Parenthood in Mind

23/08/2024

I talk a lot about the importance of stories and narratives in my work as a perinatal psychologist.

The reproductive story
The story of how you became a parent
The importance of subverting cultural narratives on parenthood and how we become mothersand fathers
How vital 'other/ed' stories of parenthood are
The positive impact on us when we can read stories that go off grid about

Donor conception
Surrogacy
Solo parenthood by choice
Reciprocal IVF
Adoption
Parenthood after infertility
Same s*x parenting
Depression and anxiety as we become parents

And there are many amazing people who I've tagged on here who share their stories to light the way ahead for others

BUT it is still important that if you are new to your story
If you are not yet secure in your story
Of loss
Of infertility
Of birth trauma
Of relationship breakdown
Of struggling with your mental health
Or whatever else you're struggling with
That you know that it's totally OK
Who you share your story with
And that it really is alright to only share it with those
Who will privilege
And cherish
And protect it
This choice is always yours.

Much love and support to anyone who today is struggling with their story.
Wondering if they'll ever find a way through
To their happy ending
I see you.

So what stories have you read or heard that've helped you in your transition to parenthood? What's helped you with your story of parenthood?

As always I'd love to hear from you 😍

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*xparents .

22/08/2024

**Content warning parenting after babyloss**

The penumbra baby*

A moment of distraction
Of reverie
A wave of distress washes over her features.
She startles to see her not him
In her arms.
A moment of confusion.

It's not that she loves this baby less but her being finally here reminds her of the baby she has lost.
The baby she still longs for.
Life, love and longing.
The pull of wanting to remember him
After all this time of wanting to forget
Seizes her anew and
The guilt of not being present enough
Gets buried even deeper.

Who to tell?
Who would understand?
Who would support such ingratitude?
The Gods have smiled on her again.
This rainbow child
Dappled
Golden
Bringing colour and light
Shadow and sadness.

When will she be free of this?
This bubbling conflict?
Perhaps there is some meaning
In this aching entrapment.
The price of
Love and Loss
Combined.

Julianne Boutaleb
April 2021
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Today is Rainbow Baby Day.

How does one love a child after loss?
How do we hold the child we have lost in our minds AND attend to the baby in our arms now?
What sort of parent do we become after pregnancy loss?
How is the journey into parenthood marked or impacted?
How were you affected?
As always I'd love to hear from you ❤

If you need support please take a look at the tagged supports.
And we at Parenthood In Mind can help too.

* The penumbra baby (Reid, 2007) is a term used instead of rainbow baby in parent-infant psychotherapy to capture the light and shade, joy and sadness that we inevitably experience when parenting our longed for babies after loss.

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21/08/2024

Will we see you there???

SAVE THE DATE!

We’re SO excited to share the date for our next in-person ‘Donor Conception: Connecting Through Conversations’ event - which will be held in London on Saturday 2nd November. This time we’re focusing on providing information, support and real-life connection for anyone who is on the path to parenthood through donor conception at the pre-parenting stage. If you’re either making the decision, going through treatment, or post-treatment (prior to having your little one in your arms), you’ll be welcomed in a safe and compassionate space with others who are at a similar stage, with similar thoughts, feelings and questions to you. (And if you’re parenting after donor conception don’t worry…we’ll be hosting a specific parenting event in early 2025!)

This event is going to be our best yet, we’ll be announcing our speaker line-up of those with lived experiences - recipient parents, donors and donor conceived people, as well as our professional speakers, including the fabulous Julianne Boutaleb, Perinatal Psychologist from . We have a beautiful venue in Central London, with tickets including all refreshments, lunch and also the opportunity for networking and connection time at the end of the day as part of a drinks reception with us at and other attendees.

Every event we’ve held so far has completely sold-out tickets and so, before we announce the details, we wanted to offer the chance for you to join the waitlist to be the first to hear and get access to our early-bird discounted tickets - of which there will only be a limited number available.

Click on the link in our bio to be added to the waitlist - with tickets going on sale at the end of next week!

We can’t wait to welcome you there! 💛

*Huge thanks to our sponsors for making this event possible.*

11/07/2024

"If you're a coach, it's a bit like being a parent. You've gone past the moment when it's about you - it's about what you pass onto others."

Gareth Southgate

I'm Irish. In my fifties. Have lived here for over 26 years. Old enough to remember real life political tensions between Ireland and England. And have never felt able to fully cheer on England. But with Southgate at the helm, it feels different.

Not just because of the team's diversity. Or the fact that this manager has supported his team to take the knee, and called out racist attacks against players like Saka. But I feel there is something even greater at play (excuse the pun!) What I love most about watching this England team is what they are unconsciously modelling for many of the young men who will be watching the game. Here is a group of men who support each other in their vulnerability, not just their successes.

Here is a coach who offers a steady fatherly hand
Who tenderly offers advice hard won from experience
Who says it's OK
I believe in you
It doesn't matter what others are saying
You can do this.

And for many of the men I see for therapy this tenderness matters
It is often lacking for so many men I see
When they are struggling with infertility
Or having to get their heads around pregnancy loss
Or feel ashamed of how depressed and anxious or traumatised they feel postnatally
Or don't know who to talk to about fears they'll never be a dad

So to see a man hold another man
So tenderly
To see him hold their vulnerability
To whisper it's OK
I believe in you
It's going to work out fine
Even if it's on the football pitch
That matters.

I've tagged lots of wonderful resources and accounts to support men with these issues.

26/06/2024

Thank you so much for sharing my words on parenting after infertility and loss.

Can you relate?
Have you felt pressured to 'love every minute' of being a parent because of all you had to go through?
Have you felt you had to push some of these feelings down?
How able have you felt to be honest about how hard you've found parenthood after infertility?

As always, I'd love to hear from you ❤️

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13/06/2024

Just like mothers, fathers too have to find their way with the new tasks of parenthood, but often without clear role models or expertly tailored support services just for them....and often as one father put it in a recent study by Wittkowski et al (2017) "not overly sure what you're supposed to be doing...."

We need to understand more about men's psychological vulnerability in the transition to parenthood. We know that men do undergo hormonal and brain changes just like women do - recent research suggests fathers to be who co-habit with their partner experience a drop in levels of testosterone and peak levels of oxytocin.

We also know that the very support structures set up to support couples in the transition to parenthood may not actually be experienced as helpful by men. Indeed in the study above, Wittkowski found that attending antenatal classes left many men feeling more emotionally separate from their partners and increased their feelings of  helplessness.
And how do new fathers express these feelings of "completely-at-a-lossness" as Dickon Bevington, a psychiatrist specialising in paternal mental health calls it? Increased irritability, emotional withdrawal, exhaustion, panic or acting out via over work, alcohol use or emotional affairs and unfortunately increased suicidality.

Is it completely coincidental that su***de is the leading cause of death in men aged 15-44 when they are most likely to be starting families?

Fathers also transition from pregnancy and birth traumatised (Etheridge & Slade, 2017) or depressed and struggle to bond with their baby.

Overlooked, dismissed, misunderstood.
Are we speaking out enough about the need to hold the father in families? who holds him? If we agree we should all be mothering the mother, who should be fathering the father? Or should we indeed be mothering him? Where is his tribe? What can we do differently for dads?

Really pleased to have contributed to this brilliant article on these issue by in today's online

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10/06/2024

Can we ever really prepare for the moral and ethical complexity of infertility and fertility treatment? And the sorts of decisions we may have to make as we start down this path to parenthood? Having worked with countless individuals and couples over the years, this is the aspect of ART that few are ever ready for.

And the sorts of decisions they face?

Can I put cultural and religious beliefs about ART to one side?
Am I willing to take risks with my health?
Should we raise more money to continue?
Do we let go of our frozen embryos?
Should I consider reducing this multiple pregnancy for my physical or mental health?
Can I really terminate this pregnancy when I might not get pregnant again?
Can I go through this again to give my child a sibling?
Can I allow myself stop?
Can I do this alone?
Should I try this add on treatment?
Should I consider donor conception or surrogacy?

And these decisions have to be made
under time pressure
Often with no one to consult with
When we are most fearful and exhausted
On different pages
With little time to truly understand the implications.

Decisions made in minutes whose impacts are felt across a lifetime...
The science taking us beyond what most other people know or have ever experienced when contemplating parenthood
You cross a threshold and sometimes what you have to decide comes up against who you thought you were.
And you're expected to make these decisions when your mind is clouded by grief and addled by trauma

How does one ever know the 'right' thing to do?
How does one imagine the consequences
The implications
The repercussions
And yet imagine them you must

How have you experienced these issues? How have they impacted you?
What has helped you?

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26/05/2024

I see so many struggling with infertility, pregnancy and new parenthood in therapy who often feel frustrated, angry and impatient.
With themselves.
Disappointed that they didn't know they wanted children earlier.
Upset with themselves that they didn't push for more tests and investigations when they were struggling to conceive.
Conflicted emotionally by decisions they made or didn't make in fertility treatment, pregnancy or beyond.
Annoyed that they didn't ask more of their care providers when giving birth.
Furious with themselves that they didn't persist with breastfeeding, weaning, you name it.

And so often where we gently get to in therapy is the need for them to forgive themselves.
Forgive themselves for what they didn't know.
Couldn't have known.
And perhaps couldn't have done anything about.
It is perhaps tempting to find fault with and in ourselves when we feel helpless or hopeless.
Self blame can give us a momentary sense of control. But over time it hurts us.

If you are struggling today with issues arising from trying to conceive, being pregnant, becoming a parent please be kind. Be compassionate. And above all else learn to forgive yourself. Over and over again.

Does this post speak to you? Is there anything you've had to let go of in your journey to parenthood? Or had to forgive yourself for?

As always I'd love to hear from you

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25/05/2024

I don't think I could say it better. So I haven't!

These words from capture what so many of us in the perinatal field feel about those struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss.

We are here for you.
However you need us.
Whenever you need us.

Please reach out to Parenthood In Mind if you are struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss.

04/05/2024

The decision to terminate a pregnancy is never, ever easy.
It is always a decision that puts you in touch with parts of yourself
Not easily explained to others.
These decisions are often complex
They often need to be made within a specific time frame
And even if you can call on a partner's support
There is never any guarantee that you will be on the same page.
The reverberation of these decisions ripple out across the months and years
We struggle to understand how we can both want this baby,
How we can long for them with every breath
And yet know in the deepest parts of ourselves
That we cannot continue with this pregnancy.
Sometimes the medical information is clear in terms of our child's future
Sometimes not.
Sometimes we have to let go of one baby
To protect the health of the other (s).
Sometimes it's about weighing up the impact on our own physical and mental health
On our family
On our capacity to parent
Often these decisions are taken in private
Kept from others we fear may judge us.
And the truth is we often judge ourselves harshly too
Unable to believe that this has happened to us
That after all we have been through
To have this child
These children
We cannot carry them to term.
Each person stories their decision differently.
And with time the story changes and
Allows us to view with more compassion
What we have been through.
This most lonely experience of parenthood requires of us a selflessness, a strength, a stretch beyond what we thought we knew of ourselves and our values and beliefs
That leaves its mark
Whether or not we ever become parents again.

I've sat with many, many parents over the years who have had to terminate pregnancies. This experience of baby loss is still so stigmatised. So misunderstood. Especially when parents have conceived after previous pregnancy loss or infertility. It is still a loss that remains taboo in some communities.

So grateful for all the work done by and to support grieving parents.

Did you catch my slot talking to Emma at 11am on Pregnancy after ?

30/04/2024

Antenatal Mental Health

That space between. A place of contradictions. Of more emotions than we could ever have thought possible. A place within our selves, both being and becoming. In truth we are pregnant in our minds, as well as our bodies. Our minds synaptically pruned and (a)washed with hormones that leave us sensitized and attuned. Nature's way of preparing us to protect and nurture, but somehow also making us more fearful too.

Full of unbidden memories of being mothered, snatched daydreams of our babies-to- be, and doubts about who we might become as mothers too.

Is it any wonder then that the tension of this 'ordinary insanity' at times breaks free and unravels us, leaving us uncertain and overwhelmed. Uncertain if we can do this thing called mothering at all, or if we want to. A body and mind that has forgotten its boundaries. Out of our control.

And for some this unravelling of a hitherto familiar body and mind is too much. The growing life inside unsettling everything. Even when this life has been longed for.
Jobs. Relationships. Identity. All overturned. Intolerable, unwelcome and terrifying too at times.
A discovery of parts of self denied - parts that still need mothering.
A re-emerging of long forgotten vulnerability. A neediness previously hidden now bursts forth. Pushing us back to heal unresolved hurts. Whose baby needs are these?

But who to tell of these wild imaginings and doubts?
Who else might think these thoughts?
Who to trust with the telling?

must start in pregnancy - and even before. We must normalise these feelings for women,  and offer a range of support as early as possible. For some it might be about reassurance or a space to explore family-of-origin issues and identity. Others may feel more overwhelmed, and may need talking therapy and/or medication. Others with previous mental health issues may fear relapse. We owe it to women, their partners and babies to raise awareness of the range of psychological experiences that can arise in pregnancy.

29/04/2024

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Mothermorphosis

You thought you'd enjoy this more
Everyone said you'd be a wonderful mother
A natural
After all you've been mothering all your life
Nieces and nephews
Colleagues and friends
Siblings
Your parents even
You've made it your business always
To look after others
It's who you are isn't it?

From very early on you've learnt how mothering feels
How rewarding it can be
How satisfying it is
To mother others
And leave your own needs to one side

But this feels different
No words of thanks or recognition
No warm rush of connection
No smiles
None of the usual rewards
You'd assumed were a given
Only incessant demands
Cries you don't understand
And can't make stop or soothe
So unprepared for how useless or helpless or incompetent you'd feel sometimes

But it's too late now
She's here
You're a mother now
Not just now and again
Or when you feel like it or are up to it
But forever
Always
Today
No respite
No complaint
No regrets?

But tenderness is the balm that allows
Those mother wounds to heal
Lean in little one
Lean in
And heal.

Julianne Boutaleb Sept 2021

Many mothers are unprepared for how overwhelming mothering can be. They feel confused by how relentless it feels. Feelings they never imagined feeling towards their babies tear at earlier shreds of identity. Leave them unsure about who they really are. Pick at scars of doubt as to whether or not this is who they can be. Resentment, impatience, feeling trapped. How can they have these feelings and be good mums? How to square the circle of the mother they thought they would be, and the mother they find themselves being?

But with time we must learn to reveal and discard the unhelpful assumptions about mothering we have made. With growing confidence we can expand into being the mother we are to be. With loving support and maternal holding we can let go of all that society expects. And be born finally as mothers.

So how did you find becoming a mother?

As always I'd love to hear from you ❤