03/01/2026
Seeing as it’s the new year and I’m sure everyone’s intentions are dry January. 😜
Something to ponder on
If alcohol were invented today in 2026 UK, here's what would happen 👇
INVENTOR: "I've created a new recreational substance."
MHRA 2026: "Present your case."
INVENTOR: "It's literal poison. Ethanol. Your liver treats it as an emergency toxin every time."
MHRA: "Side effects?"
INVENTOR: "Group 1 carcinogen. Same class as plutonium, asbestos. Causes seven types of cancer. Mouth, throat, liver, breast, bowel, oesophagus, stomach."
MHRA: "Continue."
INVENTOR: "Highly addictive. One in ten becomes dependent. Destroys families. Kills over 10,000 in the UK yearly. But it makes pubs profitable."
MHRA: "Withdrawal symptoms?"
INVENTOR: "Can be fatal. Only three substances have fatal withdrawal: this, benzos, and barbiturates. Seizures, cardiac arrest, death. But we'll sell it in Tesco."
MHRA: "Long-term effects?"
INVENTOR: "Brain physically shrinks. Memory deteriorates. Dementia. Heart disease. Nerve damage. Organs fail. But queuing at the bar is British tradition."
MHRA: "Behavioural impact?"
INVENTOR: "Involved in 50% of violent crimes. 40% of domestic violence. But we'll sponsor Premier League teams and advertise during football matches."
MHRA: "This would never pass 2026 UK health standards."
INVENTOR: "But Treasury could tax it. £12 billion yearly revenue. NHS profits from treating diseases it causes. Pharma profits medicating conditions it creates."
MHRA: "What about safer alternatives?"
INVENTOR: "Psilocybin shows therapeutic benefits. Non-addictive. No overdose deaths. Helps depression, PTSD, and anxiety. Growing naturally in the UK countryside."
MHRA: "And?"
INVENTOR: "We keep those Class A. Possession gets you seven years. But this neurotoxic carcinogen? Every corner shop. Every petrol station. Every Wetherspoons."
MHRA: "So legal poison, illegal medicine?"
INVENTOR: "Exactly. Plus, cannabis shows medical benefits. Also illegal. But this brain-damaging carcinogen? Aisle three, next to bread."
MHRA: "2026 UK public health policy won't allow this."
INVENTOR: "But it's British culture. Pub tradition. Sunday roast with wine. After-work pints. Fish and chips with lager."
MHRA: "Culture doesn't override toxicology. This fails every modern safety standard. Application denied."
INVENTOR: "What if I told you it's already legal? Has been for centuries. We're not inventing it. We're describing what's already in every Sainsbury's."
MHRA: "Wait. This is alcohol?"
INVENTOR: "Yes."
MHRA: "The thing advertised during Coronation Street?"
INVENTOR: "Yes."
MHRA: "Sold at motorway services, train stations, airports?"
INVENTOR: "Everywhere."
MHRA: "But by 2026 standards, this would be a controlled substance. Heavily restricted. Prescription only under NHS supervision."
INVENTOR: "Yet here we are. Legal. Normalised. Essential to British social life. Because historical accident, not safety profile."
The only reason alcohol is legal in 2026 UK: It was already here. If invented today, would fail every MHRA standard. Every NHS guideline. Every public health review.
But because it's been British tradition for centuries, we just accept it. Tax it. Die from it. Call it culture.
Over a year sober. If alcohol were invented in 2026 UK, it would be banned immediately. The only reason it's legal? Grandfathered in from history.
Q: Would it really be banned if invented today?
Absolutely. No 2026 UK regulatory body would approve the recreational use of a Group 1 carcinogen with fatal withdrawal potential.
Q: What about British pub culture?
Pub culture existed before alcohol dominated it. Could exist without it. We just chose poison as the centrepiece.
If alcohol were invented today in the UK, pitch would end with rejection, not approval.
But it wasn't invented today. So we pretend neurotoxic carcinogen is fine because it's tradition.
Save for when someone says drinking is British culture, so it's fine.
