22/07/2024
Whispering Branches
Mary Curtis
M.L.C. (Hom)
Dip. Hyp I.S.C.H
07828 929659
Funeral Celebrant
Fellowship of Professional Celebrants
Providing a professional personal service.
Death is inevitable for all of us and yet it is rarely spoken about. It seems to have become the White Elephant in the room.
A dear friend lost her mother recently and she was devastated. In her sadness and pain she found that the only person she could talk openly with was myself. Several of her friends couldn’t speak to her, they no longer called and she felt she was isolated.
Maybe the death of her mother triggered their pain?
Maybe we will never know, though it’s not uncommon to hear the bereaved mention that people around them crossed the road when they approached, or hung down their heads.
I wrote this booklet as a helping hand bringing some relief for you and your loved ones.
Please note; the advice is the same for all who are suffering from trauma, shock, stress, etc.
“Whispering Branches” came about as I believe that we are all mere Whispers in the Branches of Trees and on the Wind. Some are bigger and perhaps stronger than others. Some of us are quieter than others. Some are older and wiser than others. Some never get the chance to live a full life. Some are taken from us far too soon.
Some, like trees, leave us a legacy and precious memories, providing shade from the sun and a shelter in a rainstorm. They provide homes for a huge variety of wildlife; from lichens, fungi, insects to the most beautiful butterflies.
A branch could simply a resting place for a single sparrow, or a vantage point for an eagle. The trees root systems are incredible and there’s much research to show that they communicate with each other. Maybe we are all joined by The Golden Thread? Even beyond death perhaps?
Trees provide different woods and each has its own qualities. Some are more colourful than others; the giant redwood compared with the ash, the oak and the copper beech.
Nonetheless, we all bring something to the forest table.
Following on from helping thousands as a dedicated professional holistic health and trauma practitioner for over two decades, training as a funeral celebrant seemed so natural.
I am author of seven books helping and assisting people through life’s journey.
For me personally I feel that when we lose someone we have loved deeply, we are often at our most vulnerable point. Bringing a little peace to those who mourn and some practical tips to assist you through this time is my intention. That is why I chose this profession.
Many say I have a calming presence. I intentionally bring peace to a room.
When I trained as a celebrant these quotes touched my whole being:
“You may forget with whom you laughed but you will never forget with whom you wept”.
“Thank you for letting me talk
And letting me cry.
Thank you for cheerful hello’s
and tearful goodbye’s.
Thank you for asking questions
And saying her name.
Thank you for not understanding
But sharing my pain”.
Carrie O‘ Leary
Jacqueline M. Savageau
The healing began when a friend embraced me, leaving some of his tears on my cheek.
“Time Remembered”
“The closest bonds we will ever know are bonds of grief. The deepest community one of sorrow”.
Cormac McCarthy
Just To Be Alive
“I like living.
I have sometimes been
Wildly, despairingly,
Acutely miserable,
Racked with sorrow,
But through it all I still know
Quite certainly that just to be alive
Is a grand thing”.
Agatha Christie.
A Personal Note
Since childhood I have accepted death and have never been afraid to discuss it. My cousin Andrew died many years ago and it shook me to my very core. My aunt and uncle were devastated as were most of the other family members. He was an exceptionally lovely, open-hearted and a very gifted young man. He was an exceptional guitar player and we all missed his musical talents, his sharp sense of humour, his smile and his unique presence.
When we love someone, the hole they leave can never be filled because they were treasured in thousands of unique ways. Their love for each of us shines through every time we meet and its absence can be crushing. They may have been a beacon, a rock, a font of humour, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, an exceptionally good advisor and so much more.
Some people touch our lives in ways that we never fully appreciate until they are gone. Appreciating the depth of our loss leaves us feeling broken, confused and often lost.
The death of a loved one might even leave us feeling guilty for a thousand and one reasons; maybe that we didn’t spend enough time with them, that we didn’t always listen, or perhaps simple relief if they were in pain, poorly and demanding.
People touch our lives in different ways and they each leave a unique loss too. We have a right to mourn their loss and it is part of our grieving process to acknowledge how we feel. Grief has many stages and anger is simply one of them. Anger is a normal everyday emotion, though the way we are taught to cope is frequently one of repression and suppression. This often leads to all sorts of symptoms; lack of sleep, stress, digestive issues, fatigue, muscle pain, headaches and so much more.
I’m here to help you navigate through this journey. Hopefully you can come out at the other end feeling stronger and although you will always miss loved ones, we can begin to live with at least some kind of ease. Knowing that the way in which they touched our lives is our personal, unique memory.
Practical Tips and Self-Care.
Here are some practical tips to assist you and your loved ones.
Shock, stress and trauma all affect the body. Left unacknowledged long-term they can become ingrained in the muscle memory, hidden within the fascia tissues.
These emotions affect us in many ways. Our immune systems, digestive systems and sleep patterns can be disrupted. Grief and loss can often take these to a whole new level.
Self-care is so important, especially at this time. It’s time to be kind with yourself, as you would with others. Being vulnerable can be a challenge. We often put on a mask, a false, brave face for others. Yet, in truth the energy it takes to hide how we feel can become toxic. At this time it’s crucial to be honest and sometimes raw with our emotions. It’s okay to cry, to feel whatever plethora of emotions you feel too. Giving ourselves permission to feel is paramount.
Eating can be a challenge when we are upset. Please try to eat small regular meals. Snacks like flapjack or cereal/protein bars might help. Dale Pinnock has written some wonderful cookery books which might help too.
The self-care prompts I suggest are The "Shaky Wakey". Shake off the arms, wrists, ankles, legs and your whole body if you are able. Repeat as often as you like. I often use it with children who are bullied, upset and stressed.
Take time to listen to the body and let it show you where you need to shake. By regularly shaking off these residual energies which we might find to be heavy and uncomfortable we can often feel better within a few short minutes. Simply be aware and acknowledge how you are feeling, your emotions and the tension in your body.
Drinking more healthy water encourages positive change. We need at least two to three litres daily. Enjoying and connecting to a special nature walk, taking a boxing class, Pilates, yoga, T'ai Chi class or mindfulness, self-awareness, personal development or a meditation class can also help.
Healing has been used for centuries to alleviate shock, stress and tension in the body too. It balances and re-sets body, mind and soul. Massage and reflexology can often help. Indian Head massage is truly a wonderful experience. I know various practitioners in the area so please ask if you need a recommendation or feel free to call in at Lifestyles Health Shop, 44, Wood St. St. Annes FY8 1QG.
Epsom salts clear the energy when we feel stuck, stressed, upset, etc. So taking a bath in them; about 6-8 tablespoons will cleanse and re-balance us. Otherwise you could use a muslin cloth and wrap the salts in there to wash your body.
Lack of sleep is very common at this time and can be aided with a good quality supplement of magnesium, Himalayan Rock Salts lamps bring positive energy and are ideal in the bedroom. Stay hydrated, check bedding, mattress and pillows for maximum comfort, doing more physical exercise and making the bedroom a quiet space. It is advised that no electrical equipment be in the bedroom: especially televisions, mobile phones, laptops, especially in the evenings.
Look honestly at your habits before sleep.
Do you drink coffee, alcohol, energy drinks, caffeine, Coca-Cola before bed? These are all stimulants which will delay the essential relaxation needed for sleep. There are many herbals bedtime teas available now with chamomile, passion flowers and lavender to assist. You might wish to chat to your local health food staff.
A nature walk in your favourite place often helps; as can planting a tree, a rose bush, shrub etc. in someone’s memory. Many local parks now encourage people to foster trees. I love seeing benches dedicated to those whom we have lost.
It may also help to write a journal or make up a scrap book dedicated to a loved one(s). If you sing maybe you could write a song? A poem or something else? Maybe listen to your heart and intuition.
Listening to healing music such as ocean waves, the sound of wind through the trees and whispering branches, water sounds, shamanic drumming, Enya, Deva Primal, Snatum Kaur and Bliss may help you to relax.
Diffusers are wonderful too. They blend water vapour with essential oils to create a lovely fragrance and mood in the room. Calming oils include sandlewood, neroli, lavender, chamomile, frankincense, vetiver, cedarwood, rose, rose geranium, Clary Sage, geranium, jasmine, myrrh. They can be used to aid sleep too. Please note never put essential oils directly on the skin. Always check their medicinal qualities if you have any medical conditions.
Natural herbs such as ashwagandha, rhodiola, chamomile, fennel and maca, milk thistle tincture, St Johns Wort and Kalms can help boost energy, relieve sadness, stress and induce calm.
As a qualified homeopath, I would recommend Bach Rescue Remedy, Jan De Vries Emergency Essence, Mood essence or Female/Male essences. They are available online, often in chemists or from a good health food shop. Homeopathic remedies include arnica, aconite, pulsatilla, nat mur and sandlewood which I will happily provide, or are available from a reputable health food shop.
Just maybe…
Maybe, perhaps now is a perfect time to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Perhaps now is a time to cry, scream, punch a cushion, punch the air, or even a punch-bag. And maybe perhaps time to accept help which might be offered from others.
Maybe perhaps it’s a time to change our out-grown habits. Maybe time to put down the proverbial mask. No-one is indestructible. No-one can be strong all the time.
Maybe perhaps now, when someone offers help it may be challenging to accept, but refusing help can upset someone too. It can be a challenge to learn to receive, rather than feeling we have to give constantly. You may have heard of the disease to please? The dis-ease to please.
Just maybe ask yourself how well do you receive? Just maybe consider is it time to consider change.
Just maybe this booklet has brought some ease to your pain? Just maybe you could look through it whenever you feel the need, and… just maybe you feel you can share it with another.
I truly hope this has helped in some way and I wish you all the very best as you deal with the journey through grief, shock, stress and trauma of any description. Engaging with your support group, friends, family, neighbours and those who love you. Please take care of yourself.
Suggested Charities
Death Café Network www.deathcafe.com
Dying Matters www.dyingmatters.org
Final Fling www.finalfling.com
Cruse Bereavement care www.cruse.org.uk
Grief Encounter www.griefencounter.org.uk
Assisting children who have lost a parent or sibling
Sands www.sands.org.uk
Stillbirth and neonatal charity
The Compassionate Friends (TCF) Supporting bereaved parents and their families.
The Good Grief Trust is run by the bereaved for the bereaved.
Winston’s Wish support children after the death of someone important.
S.O.B.S. Survivors Of Bereavement By Su***de
The list is not exhaustive and there may well be a local bereavement support group.
GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS
“Some of the greatest achievements of humankind have come from people suffering under great burdens – loss and imprisonment, sickness and deprivation. They demonstrate as no others can the dignity and power of the human spirit.
Beethovan wrote his most noble and imaginative works after deafness had over taken him. Milton wrote from blindness. Bunyan from jail. Stephen Hawking surveys the universe from a wheelchair. The persecuted raise their voices from oppression to speak for their people. The disfigured in war bring hope to the deprived.
Some are only known to a few. Some are never recognised. But they tell us not to be afraid. There is work still to be done. There are things to be achieved. There is beauty to be created. There are puzzles to be solved. There is happiness to be had.
The world is full of marvels. Accept them and be glad. Do not let anything deprive you of a love for life”.
Pam Brown
When one of his classmates died, an eight year old friend visited the boy’s home one day after school.
“What did you say?” asked his mother gently when the child returned?”
“Nothing” he replied. “I just got on his mom’s lap and helped her cry.”
Forever Remembered.
“Needed, A strong, deep person wise enough to allow me to grieve in the depth of who I am, and strong enough to hear my pain without turning away.
I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness.
Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me.
Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning, and believe in a rainbow”.
Fr Joe Mahoney
Strength verses Strong
"A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape...but a woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape.
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything...but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of fear.
A strong woman won't let anyone get the better of her...but the woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone.
A strong woman makes mistakes & avoids the same in the future....A woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be unexpected blessings, and capitalises on them.
A strong woman wears a look of confidence on her face....but a woman of strength wears grace.
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey.....but the woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong". (Anon).
From "The Voice of Silence" by Oonagh Shanley - Toffolo;
Recommended Reading
“The Power Of Presence” Doug Manning
“Water Bugs & Dragonflies” Doris Stickney
“Nothing Was The Same”. Kay Redfield Jamison
“An Unquiet Mind”. Kay Redfield Jamison
“God Is An Octopus” Ben Goldsmith
“Touched With Fire” Kay Redfield Jamison
“Forever Remembered”. A Gift For The Grieving Heart
“Echoes Of Memory”. John O’Donohue
“Tuesdays With Morrie”. Mitch Albom
“A Thousand Goodbyes” Ruth Graham
“The Soul Must Go On”. Malcolm Thorogood
“Medicinal Chef” Dale Pinnock
Best wishes and kind regards. Mary Curtis and all the team at Lifestyles Health Food Shop.