02/12/2025
Did you know that people-pleasing isn’t a personality trait, it’s a trauma response.
So many adults think they’re just “easy-going,” “flexible,” or “don’t like conflict.”
People-pleasing often starts in childhood… long before you ever learned the word ‘trauma’.
Here’s an example that tends to stop people in their tracks:
Imagine a child who learns to read the sound of footsteps on the stairs. Not because they’re curious… but because that sound tells them which version of the day they’re getting.
If the steps are heavy, slow, or tense → they stay quiet, become helpful, make themselves small.
If the steps are light or upbeat → they relax a little, but still stay alert, just in case.
That child grows up and now in adulthood:
• They say yes when they’re exhausted.
• They apologise for things that aren’t their fault.
• They smooth over conflict to “keep the peace.”
• They scan rooms, conversations, faces. Just like they once scanned those footsteps.
Because their nervous system learned that being pleasing keeps them safe.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. Healing isn’t about suddenly saying “no” it’s about slowly teaching your brain that safety comes from within, not from managing everyone else’s emotions.
