Death, funerals and me

09/11/2025

07/11/2025

7th November.
This day last year was a day I'll never forget; some of it's a blur and some of it will continue to blur over time, but some things will stay with me.

Most of all, I'll remember how it felt - the utter heart break of what happened; the colliding of my personal and professional life, standing there in front of everyone, knowing I had to get through that service.

It remains one of the hardest things I've ever done but something I'm proud to say I did.

A fellow celebrant posted this quote yesterday (FIRST PHOTO) and I felt it for so many reasons...I'm trying to hold on to the notion that if life ever gets simpler in the future, it might feel almost easy! There is a lot going on at the moment, I've said before and I'll say it again - I'm so grateful for my support network and the ones who show up.

Yesterday, I did a hard thing, professionally...a service for a baby is one of the biggest challenges we face as celebrants. What a thing to be trusted with.

I read that quote in the morning and reminded myself that I know I can get through, even when it's tough. I'll definitely have a moment, I'll have a wobble, I'll probably tell you about it, I'll feel it all, but I'll do it.

On Tuesday, I have another family funeral (October and I need a serious chat) and I've been asked to help, it will be different to last year, but I'll be trying to channel that same strength.

Today was collector's item - no services, no visits, script work to do, yes, but breakfast with a friend was just the tonic.
I can't believe it’s been a year, and it still hurts like hell.

20/10/2025

20 years.

It’s hard to wrap my head around that. And I don’t know what words I have today, but I had to recognise it. How much has happened in those 20 years…

October is such a strange month for me, it already was – I started this page two years ago talking about exactly that….but throw in what happened on 16th October last year, and therefore hitting a one year ‘anniversary’ and 20 year ‘anniversary’ in the space of few days is significant…I think I can extend myself that grace. On the one hand, nothing changes, but it still feels a lot to process.

And it’s my birthday tomorrow, so that’s why for 18 years, October felt like a weird mix of everything, then last year came along just to take the actual p**s. There I was last year on my birthday at Radcliffe’s Funeral Directors planning Anne’s funeral. Completely surreal…you couldn’t make it up really. So, this year, I’m taking the day off.

And such is the way of things, that my mum is right now preparing to make the move from our family home, having been there since 1986, so it all really feels like a strange sort of milestone. New chapters can be exciting and sad at the same time.

What I’ve experienced from being thrust into the realty of living with such a significant loss, at that stage in my life, is that it has shaped me, I can’t deny that, and I think it did define me for a while....but not forever, and now I know there’s so much life out there, and that you can find peace.

When so much time has passed, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt – it always will, but different feelings come along too – including an inescapable sense of distance…to the event, to the person, to the person you were. You think about everything they’ve missed and that they don’t know the ‘you’ that you are now.

I could say so much more, maybe it’s because there’s a lot of things going on right now or just the constant busyness that is my life, I don’t know.

Today, I’m so so grateful for the love and support I have.
I’ve been trying to decide whether to step back from this page. I’m undecided right now, but if I do, it does feel like a full circle moment - having started on this very topic, maybe I will end on it. Life is rarely neat and tidy, but sometimes these little patterns just show themselves.

16/10/2025

One whole year since you slipped away from us. And even longer since we had the real you with us.

It still doesn't feel real. That's the truth. Even though I do what I do, it still seems like an alternative reality. This will never feel fair. It will never not hurt.

There's so many clichés that get thrown around...life goes on, but it's never the same...it does and it has, but it isn't.

I believe so much in the power of language and that we should be careful with our words, especially when people are hurting. Sometimes clichés do ring true..but we have to be mindful, sometimes it can sound trite and we risk sounding insincere.

When I talk about some of these things in a funeral service, I hope I say them with sincerity and understanding, because I've lived it and I am living it.

There's no end point in grief, there's no other side to get to..we just slowly learn to adapt and to manage...people say it gets easier with time...maybe it does or maybe we just learn to carry it better.

It catches us off guard sometimes, a wave hits you and takes you down. But you have to roll with that. We shouldn't feel we have to hide our grief. You can't run or hide from it, if you try, it finds you, it has to be faced and felt. Yep. Been there, done that, tried that.. had to go through it, all of it.

Seemingly different emotions can all co-exist.... I think I'm better at being ok with all the different feelings living alongside each other these days. I think I'm more comfortable with being honest, even if that makes people uncomfortable.

But we do have to survive and manage in the world, and in my world I'm faced with it all the time, and I have to be strong for others. Sometimes that's hard but mostly, I try to find to find the strength and the solidarity in it.

What can I say about my Auntie Anne that hasn't been said...not enough...never enough. A family I worked with earlier this year brought these words to me. They're by Lemm Sissay - see first slide.

I'll miss you every day for the rest of my life 💔

11/10/2025

LIKE WHEN WE WERE YOUNG

In a service for a young man yesterday afternoon, we didn't shy away from the truth of what had happened, but we didn't need to linger there. So we addressed it, respectfully and delicately, and then we allowed ourselves to drift back, to happier times, to carefree childhood days, growing up in a different era, when the world felt simpler, smaller; when siblings and friends up and down the street were your 'followers' and adventure was the only 'trend'. The only 'check in' was the first glow of the street lights as they signalled time for home.

Here's a snippet:
'J' and 'K' had the kind of outdoor childhood that the 1980s provided, and they got up to all sorts; they had adventures in the woods, making dens and swings, they played out on the streets, British Bull dogs charge, exploring abandoned buildings, they rode bikes and played with remote control cars, and they went home when the street lights came on. These were happy times, and 'J' was a young lad, full of life....

We talked about some of the other things he's done and enjoyed during his life, and shared tributes from his nephew and a friend. We focused on who he was before and underneath his struggles. His love of music was referenced several times and the four pieces of music were carefully chosen, three Drum & Bass pieces and Celine Dion's Immortality.

His big sister read some words that she had written to close our ceremony, giving it a full circle feel, through her poem we finished up back in the sepia shades of nostalgia. '80s Kids' she called it. (See the slides below, words and photos shared with permission**)

At least two other services I've done lately have referenced similar things, days of fun and mischief, days spent playing outside, but they're recognisable to me, because sadly, they weren't people at the end of a long life who had died, these weren't childhoods spent pre or post WW2 or in the 50s or 60s (and I love hearing about those too) but these were late 70s and 80s childhoods, and that hits different.

I shared this quote in a post a while ago
"We're all homesick for a place that no longer exists".

Lately I've felt that more than ever...in a 'stop the world, I want to get off and go back' kinda way.

Imagine if you could go back...would you go back? Just to soak it up one last time...Would you even come back or just stay there....Peter Pan like...

I know the world wasn't perfect then, it never was, it never will be...our lives weren't perfect either, and yet somehow, those mental snap shots feel nothing but wonderful. I know some people had childhoods that were far from happy, I don't mean to minimise that.

But for those who do look back with awe and longing, I think childhood of those bygone eras, whichever yours was, will always glow rose gold... Remembered in pockets and warm feelings, of freedom and adventure, of time that seemed to stretch endlessly and a community that was just ours, not worldwide, of doing all sorts and nothing at all for hours, days and more.

Technology felt new and exciting back then...on the cusp of things to come that would make life better, easier, more fun. Now, I'm not so sure...

So for now, I make no apologies for wistful thoughts of those times. I listen with joyful understanding when people recount them, because for a moment, it takes us all back there.

23/09/2025

Today was a mad day, in what is a bit of mad time; from finding out I've been going round with tears in my knee cartilage for 11 years, to an unexpected hospital dash (not for me but I'm so glad I was able to help) two funerals, taking on a number of services, and trying to cling on to my slowly fading voice...all in a days work...!

I've done this before on my page - a little compare / constrast - both services today were at the same place, one was a very large attendance and one was a more intimate gathering. (Fortunately for my voice, the larger service was the first one, which needed more volume and projection - grateful for small mercies.)

The first service had a long tribute written by me with lots of input from the family and it included a short tribute read by his son. All the other parts of the service were kept to a minimum in order to allow time for the many many stories and memories.

The second service had a personal tribute written entirely by the family, whilst I created the other parts of the service to compliment the tribute, with two poems chosen by them.

Tributes can take many forms, sometimes lots of stories and anecdotes isn't what they choose. Theirs was a beautiful account of the lady's life, painting a picture of the loyal, loving and caring person she was. An honest life well lived.

The first service had lots of sobs and tears, especially from his young grandchildren, but the atmosphere was lifted by lots and lots of laughs too. Another honest life well lived.

The second service was a more steady tone, not down, filled with gratitude, but just more steady. Her husband of many years was breaking his heart and struggled, visibly and audibly throughout the service, and it was one of those occasions that really got me, not so much during the service, but as everyone came out...I felt my eyes well up a bit.

I don't know if it was the quiet humility of it, or because I'm under the weather, or the story of a man who came to the UK to work, who nearly returned to his native Spain, but who fell in love with a lady, and after agreeing to a month apart to see how they both felt, an arrangement to meet on a given day and time if it was meant to be, that confirmed that it really was. I love hearing stories from a time we'll never see again - an era of letter writing, not texting, patience not instant gratification.

13/09/2025

BACK WITH A BANG

When I signed off before my holiday last month, I truly thought that I'd be coming back to a fairly 'steady' September (in a work sense), based on 4 years of experience now, I anticipated I would likely do a single figure number of services - after all, I took 20 days out of work, and I was fine with that.

Last August when we went to Chicago, we were away for a similar amount time, and in the month of September I led 7 services, and my first one wasn't until 12th September....so you can see why I thought I was in for a gentle ease back...

It hasn't quite turned out that way - before I left I had two services already prepared for the 4th September. I returned home with five more services booked in, and took several more in the days following. Four services were this week, and as things stand, I have 18 services in September, plus 3 for October.

I don't usually talk about numbers in that way (I know I've talked about the taboo of 'quiet patches' before, linked to the fear of gig work) but I don't usually post about how many services I've done in a week or a month, it's just not what I'm about. But that's where I'm at at the moment, and for me, 18 is a pretty busy month, I've had months with more, but the crazy thing right now is that I've gone from a standing start on 1st September.

Ordinarily, when I haven't been away on holiday, I find I enter a new month with about 10 - 12 services booked in, but that's rolling...the services at the start of the month I will have already visited and the script writing process will be under way or already done.

When all the visits have to be done in a short space of time, and services to do as well, that's a lot....!

I hasten to add at this point, this isn't a moan, just the truth, and I'm incredibly incredibly grateful to the FDs who have chosen me, with my permission to, even though I was holiday. I'm so lucky to work alongside a group of such loyal people, and to have the chance to work with some I've never worked with before too this month.

And the double and triple whammy this month has been this - my amazing mum, who helps me every week, is having a much deserved trip to Chicago to see my sister and her family, so I'm flying solo all month, and the girls' timetable has gone up several notches, by way of extra classes / programmes. (Yes, this is my fault, I know!!)

What I'm also incredibly grateful for, is my support network - my mum, for helping the rest of the time, meaning some of it is even possible; my fellow activity mums who get it, and we share the ride together, literally!! So thankful!! My friends who listen to me ramble on, incoherently half the time, who offer advice or sometimes not, they just hold space and share in the madness...just doing life. Ed, who just gets on, does what needs doing, especially when I'm drowning, even if his and Lord Khan's brutal honesty is hard to hear (!) "This is just how it is now for the next few years!"

This week, a beautiful message from one of our dance teachers brought tears to my eyes and then out of blue today, I received these gorgeous flowers and message - totally cried!! Sometimes, just knowing that others see you and what you do, and recognise when it's hard, gives you the strength to keep going. And I also have to pay tribute to my three girls who are the reason I'm (trying) to do it all, who make me so proud with their efforts and achievements.

12/08/2025

GRIT
Yorkshire Grit...and a cup of Yorkshire tea as I sit in the garden, having finished my last services now until September.

These 'funeral favours' were handed out at a service I led yesterday afternoon. A nice little touch for a lady who had bags of it.

Her daughter spoke beautifully about grit and grace, adding her own wisdom to the lessons she'd learned from her mum. I didn't think to ask her permission to share them, but I might do.

Instead, here's my musings, from my admittedly, very very tired brain. There's been times in the last few weeks that I've wondered if I have enough grit and determination to get through, or if it's slipped away somehow...swinging from 'come on, I can do this, I'm made of strong stuff' to 'am I just crumbling under all the 'pressures' I feel myself under. I say 'pressure' in quotation marks because I'm aware that some of it is perceived pressure, or pressure I put on myself, than any significant or tangible pressure. Grit or no grit, I'm here, just about. Grateful for the ones that keep me going.

That particular funeral, was very inspiring, but it wasn't without it's challenges in the organising! That was a small pressure which was quickly over. And yesterday, was that situation times two...which was tough!!

I'm definitely ready for a break now, to try and switch my brain off for a while! I actually have one service left to write for September, and I'll still be taking bookings while I'm away, but hopefully the next few weeks will bring some much needed slowness and relaxation ahead of what is usually a busy Autumn season.

I had a brief chat today with someone I work alongside regularly, about the importance of switching off, and trying to compartmentalise aspects of your life, and the difficulties of work like mine in that regard. And I certainty don't have any wisdom or answers about that, but maybe that will be a focus for me in the coming months, and I might just keep this bottle of grit close by, and when things get hard, I'll think about all the things I've faced and got through before, and try to remember what I'm made of.

25/07/2025

WE MUST STOP MEETING LIKE THIS

This week I have led three services for families I have worked for previously. The service today was for a lady whose husband’s funeral I led on 22nd July last year. I wrote about Wednesday’s service after the event – I first met them in January of this year, and never in a million years expected to be back with them in such circumstances. As I said, it’s a job no one would have wanted, but to be asked was an honour.

On Monday of this week, I led a service for a family I have worked with three times in the space of nine weeks – they definitely were given the option of having someone else instead of me…! And it doesn’t end there, on Monday of next week, I’ll be there for a family for the fourth time inside twelve months, or five times given that I also led the service for their neighbour and best friend. On the 8th August, I’m leading the service for the wife of a gentleman whose service I did on 9th July, and on 12th August, I have another family for whom this is my second time of meeting them. Madness.

Without counting, I'm convinced I've returned to more families than ever this year. The longer I do it, I guess the more likely this is to happen, but these few months have been a bit crazy. As referenced in Wednesday’s post – it’s always harder when you’ve met the family previously, and often, the service is for someone who was previously involved when we were organising things last time.

I wrote about this theme quite early on on this little page of mine – The Business of Repeat Business. For me, it’s one of the ultimate compliments – it’s always wonderful to receive words of thanks, cards, even occasionally, gifts (which I would never ever expect or encourage), but to be asked by a family to be there for them again in their time of need, is incredible, and tells me that I must be doing something right. As I said last time I wrote about this. We often leave with a goodbye and a quip about hoping not to see each other again soon, or certainly not under these circumstances.

In these final furlongs before going on holiday, I’m taking each day as it comes, not wishing summer away, and reflecting on everything I have to be thankful for.

A random collection of thoughts and musings today 👇

23/07/2025

HE WAS INCREDIBLE, BUT HE WASN'T INVINCIBLE

I used those words that his sister said to me as part of the service today.

The drive back this afternoon felt heavy, one of those where I got back to my vehicle and took a deep breath before I set off. As I called at Aldi on my way home for some bleach, toilet roll, crisps and raspberries, you know, the essentials (!) I had that slightly unusual but not entirely new feeling of 'What have I just done?' And now I'm here, in my black dress and heels, buying bleach...

Not because buying bleach is a problem, but it represents the return to normality and the mundane, and I know that the family I've just been with, and the sea of loved ones alongside them, are living far from normal..they're back at the wake trying to stay standing when their ground has opened up.

And yet, the world will keep spinning, and soon they too might need to stop off for cleaning products or random snacks. The realisation that life goes on in the face of your devastating loss is one of the many gut wrenching aspects of grief, especially early grief.

There aren't enough words for how heart-breaking today was. A young man of just 26, a brand new dad, a son, a brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, friend...a police officer...sadly his story played out in the news...the search...the desperation and the worst news confirmed.

I met this young man and his family when I led the service for his Nana in January. As a professional, it's harder still when you know the family. I'm there to be a professional, to do the job with feeling, but to hold it together for the family - it's not about me. As a human being, there's times where you really have to draw on every bit of resolve you have. Sometimes you have to say in your head over and over. It's. Not. About. Me. And then be the very best you can be.

With three beautiful family tributes (honestly, no words for how incredible they are for getting up there) we did the very best we could for him.

I don't know how many people were there today...but every single person of the hundreds (and hundreds) that gathered there are forever changed by this. His family and closest ones have to somehow put one foot in front of the other in a life they don't recognise. They bravely said that if there is any good to come out of this, they hope that somehow, more can be done to try and prevent it happening to others - their words, not mine. It isn't for me to suggest silver linings.

Today was one of those jobs you wish you didn’t have to do, but the honour of being asked to do it, and to support their family again, is immense.

I close with the words we opened with today:
"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."
Rest in peace CM, you were so loved by so many 🤍

18/07/2025

SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER

Hopefully you've noticed by now that I only post on here from time to time, only when I think I have something to say, but not only that, I like to have a hook to hang my words on too (see, the Journalism degree was never wasted).

It's a slightly different hook in a way - today was the last day of the school year for my children. On the one hand, it's hard to believe it's been a year, and on the other, it's been a very long 12 months. Ain't that the way of life?! The days are long but the years are short.

My eldest has completed her first year in high school, my middle one now heads into her final year of primary school, and I can hardly believe that my youngest will be going into year 3 (and is still a tiny nutter). I've realised that no parent can ever believe that their children are as old as they are.

Four weeks of juggling childcare, summer camps and work beckons before we head off on holiday. I'm so lucky to have the support of my mum to help me to continue working during the holidays, and luckily, my children enjoy the various different activities we're signed up for. As hard as the holiday juggle is, there's something to be said for not having to do the school run!

By the time we go away, I will have done a full 12 months without taking any time off (except the 2 days / 1 night away we had in February half term). Of course, I sometimes have days where I have no services or visits, but as my work has grown, these have become few and far between and those aren't days off, because I always have work to do. I've realised in the last few weeks, how mentally hard it has been. I'm more than grateful, but I can recognise it's soon time for a rest.

It wasn't my intention to work flat out since last September, it's just happened, and I'm so grateful to the FDs who continue to put their trust in me and the many families I've had the honour of supporting.

I have my summer timetable up and running, with a duplicate copy for my incredible mum, I'm looking forward to watching my girls in various shows and activities over the next few weeks, whilst I continue my work. And then, fairly soon, it will be time for me to break up for summer too. ☀️ 💕