04/12/2025
Laying here contemplating everything…every aspect of my being… how the dream I’ve held for 2 years, at no point did it hold me.
No aspect of it chose the fullness of me…
Realising I actually wasn’t the leading character in my vision. Noticing where the wounds I thought I’d healed enough, spilled their festering, deep rooted pus all over the canvas of what I thought was true for me. The focus weirdly distorted and edges blurred, so the truth was hidden.
2025 has been the year of death and endings… and sadly it’s continuing for the final few weeks.
People, relationships, dreams and versions of me… all dying. Some big players in my life gone. Important people. Pivotal endings. Big heart breaks. And it’s been filled with such phenomenal gold! Big sparkling, crude nuggets and smatterings of shimmering dust.
I feel like I keep dying this year and I don’t know how to dream for the me that’s standing in the ashes. I don’t have the clarity just yet because I suspect more versions of me are going to burn before this year is done.
I was part of a beautiful grief ritual at the weekend and it’s unlocked a place in me that I’ve never been able to access before. I feel like every cell in my body is recalibrating. The puzzle pieces I’ve never been able to place starting to slot in. I allowed myself to receive in a way I’ve never been able to hold…. Something fundamental changed….receive and open and receive and open more. And play… proper play.
I’m exhausted, frustrated, confused and so fu***ng grateful. I feel so much urgency to “get on and live more” of this brutally, beautiful, tenderly exquisite, short life we are gifted… and yet I feel like I’m suspended in sludge. Treading water somewhere between the light and dark…. Trying to gulp mouthfuls of smokey haze into my lungs, in a bid to get somewhere faster… and only succeeding in spluttered breaths. My world feels like it is simultaneously speeding up and slowing down in tandem. I can’t keep up and I’m not going fast enough all at the same time.
Continued in the comments…
**ra