Alan’s CUP runneth over

07/11/2025

It’s about this time of year the insomnia starts to creep back in, and I realise it’s been doing that since October. Half term done, Halloween and Chloë’s birthday passed (which I generally feel I do badly at compared to Rosie’s), fireworks finished and all the Christmas stuff well and truly in the shops.
I start to feel less empathy for people coming in with minor things. I get more stressed and snappy. I keep getting little moments where the grief starts sneaking in more easily and I’ll get tearful looking at tinsel. I think I’m not giving enough at home, worry I’m neglecting the girls, not feeding them properly, neglecting the house, neglecting my work, generally start to feel a bit useless.
This is when Alan really started to struggle and I will never get over the guilt I feel that after he moved to the hospice and had been in for 3 days, I went home to get a change of clothes and have a shower, and I didn’t get back in time. I wasn’t there when he died and I’m never going to stop thinking about it. He wasn’t alone, his mum and dad and siblings, and best friend were there, but I wasn’t. Driving to the hospice with the girls and looking up to see the window being opened by his sister, and knowing it meant I was too late, I will never get over.
I’m reading a book called the aftergrief, albeit very slowly, which says this will pretty much always happen. The sneaky upwelling of emotion triggered out of nowhere, meaning you’re not prepared for it. It’s going to be two years since Al’s death this year, and it feels like forever and yesterday at the same time. I know some people I formerly thought of as friends think I should have been over this within 6 months - I cut them out of my life. I’m never going to get over this, and I don’t expect to. Or want to. And when the moments come out of nowhere, they’re not going to be any easier to deal with because you’re totally unprepared. People kind of expect it on anniversaries, birthdays, date of death… but some random Tuesday in September and you’ve just heard Holy Diver or The Sound of Silence, or seen an unexpected rubber duck, and that’s triggered a wave of emotions you’re not steeled for, and the floodgates open. So people that think you should be able to get over it in 6 months- well, if you can do that, I envy you. And I’m a bit sad for you as well.

27/09/2024

Exactly a year ago, we were told there was no further treatment for Alan.

21/08/2024

As time has gone on and we’re adapting to our new normal, most of the time we cope. Goes without saying Alan is loved and missed, but it’s the little things that really pull the rug out from under you.

Filling in forms for instance, I had to think about what I write for married (married? single? widowed?), or title (Mrs? Ms?)

I have found sending cards difficult, and none more so than today. I’ve just written our eldest daughter’s birthday card, the first after Al died. It took me an hour. As in a lot of cases I’ve always written the ‘from mum and dad’ in there. I have to say it’s a very specific google search for advice on this one.

I decided to still go with ‘from mum and dad’.

23/05/2024

Skydive completed in glorious weather. Thank you for all the donations 😊

https://www.justgiving.com/page/alanscupskydive

02/05/2024

Skydive postponed until 2.30pm on Saturday due to horrible weather. So the girls can come along and watch 😊

12/04/2024

Next month would have been our 16th anniversary. On 3rd May I’m going to be attempting a tandem skydive in order to raise funds for Macmillan Cancer Support as a thanks for the support they gave our family throughout Al’s diagnosis and treatment.
If you have the means to support, it would mean a lot (and I know you all put your hands in your pockets last year for the Mighty Hike). If not, please share!

Help Jennifer Luckett raise money to support Macmillan Cancer Support

24/12/2023

I had to fix the Christmas lights this morning. There was a short in one of the cables (one of the bang type ones, fortunately not letting out the magic blue smoke). Think it may have been chewed by some small (and probably rather surprised) rodent.

So I isolated it, shortened the affected cable, stripped the wires, rewired the plug and got it all back up and running again.

And as I was sitting in the front garden in a raincoat as it was spitting, doing all this with my leatherman and tidying up the wires I thought: I’m definitely Al’s wife 😊

19/12/2023

I’ve had a few people ask if there is a dress code for Alan’s funeral. There is not one - Al is in his crew blacks. Wear what you feel comfortable in.
Band T-shirts are more than welcome (avoid profanities please - our daughters will be there)
If you have a band sticker you would like to stick to his coffin, then please bring it along to the service and add it on.
We’ll be leaving our house at 11am if you would like to join the convoy.

11/12/2023

Following from Alan’s funeral next week, there will be a wake held at Wilden village hall. This is the village Alan grew up in and got up to all sorts of mischief.

2 High St, Wilden, Bedford MK44 2PB

We would love to see you there to celebrate the life and times of the best husband, dad, son and brother it was my privilege to share a life with.

09/12/2023

Taking the girls and my mum down to see Halestorm at the Ovo Arena. It has been booked for a while, and the girls still wanted to go. I’ve taken tissues in case they play ‘Dear Daughter’ 😌

08/12/2023

Obitus webcast