06/04/2026
I’m sure lots of this resonates. I think a lot about - it doesn’t matter that our kids are not doing exactly what we did when we grew up . That acceptance is so important.
If you, or your family are really struggling right now over the Easter break, I want to share that this is very common for PDAers.
This is when as a PDAer myself, I know that my nervous system is doing exactly what it's designed to do.
My PDA children and I are highly attuned to people, places, and things. I don't miss a single thing. Everything goes in and is processed from a threat perspective.
Energy is my first language before spoken words. We feel into people, we sense shifts in atmosphere and intention that others may not even register. So when holidays come around, it's not just chocolate eggs and time off.
It's a shift in the energy of every person around us. It's routine dissolving and a threat to organic flow. It's the unspoken expectation to enjoy, to be grateful, to participate.
Sometimes it's more people in our space, which means our access to safety is compromised. It's dynamics changing, and our nervous system locks onto every single one of those changes.
I woke up up so tired I could barely function, and I knew why. The changes. My nervous system works in cohesion with my body to create what it believes is safety - be tired, withdraw from perceived threat. I have had to take things very slowly and very gently today.
And here's what's really important to understand: dysregulation isn't just about negative experiences. Dysregulation is anything that shifts us outside of our baseline.
Excitement is dysregulating. Joy is dysregulating. The threat response doesn't discern between excitement and fear. It just responds to escalation in the nervous system.
So if our PDA children are melting down, shutting down, or clinging harder than usual right now, that's not them being difficult. That is panic. That is a nervous system overwhelmed by the sheer volume of change, expectation, and sensory input that holidays bring. This is non volitional.
And if you're a PDA adult barely holding it together this weekend, I see you. We're not broken or weak or needing to build capacity or be more resilient 🤮.
We're highly attuned and that takes an incredible amount of energy to carry.
Here are a few gentle, practical things that help in our family and in my own life:
- In our home, I drop the expectations. If meals happen in the bedroom, that's okay. If meals are the same as every other day, there's a real wisdom in that. Predictability and familiarity are great friends to the nervous system.
- If my children are on a screen all day, that's okay. The screen isn't the problem. It may be the only thing that feels safe, predictable, and non-demanding right now.
- I lean into parallel presence instead of conversation. Just being in the same space without requiring engagement.
A drive with music on. Sitting nearby on my own device. Connection without demand.
This morning we started the day in the same way we start every day - a pot of tea, a game of Uno and Connect Four with some PDA jousting around who will kick whose arse first. This is one of our many anchors across the day to check in and coregulate.
- This is less common now that my children are older, but where my children are escalated, I try to match their energy rather than force calm. That doesn't mean escalating with them. It means meeting them where they are. A strong, steady voice that says "this IS a lot, yes..your big feelings are so smart and protective" will land more than a whisper telling them to calm down.
And if and when they're in shutdown or meltdown, I've learned that making space for that process is more helpful than offering solutions. Additional input in that moment is more for the nervous system to process, which can heighten the threat response.
- As a PDA adult, I meet myself with radical acceptance and not resistance. The more I judge and criticise myself for struggling, the more my threat response escalates.
- I externalise what's weighing on me. I write it down, put it in a note on my phone, close it, and walk away, have a chat out loud with myself or message friends. Getting it out of my head and somewhere else creates just enough psychological distance from the pressure.
- I give myself permission to withdraw. Cancel plans. Keep communication minimal. It’s self preservation.
- I weigh up the cost vs benefit - are we really happy and enjoying the way we're spending our time over the holiday season? What is our true experience of this? Who are we pleasing? What is the cost and is it truly worth going to the local event, family BBQ, etc? We are not our children, and our children are not us. We are living different lives, in different bodies with different wants and needs. Our children aren't necessarily missing out because they're not spending holidays the way we did.
- In the grand scheme of things, all that is life, how important is this?
And if the only thing I can do today is rest, then I rest. Deep rest. That is enough.
While I understand plenty of onlookers might judge us and be all about building capacity and modelling, etc..those same people aren’t bringing their energy around my children - I am. What I carry shows up in my parenting and so I feel a responsibility to be as compassionate and gentle with myself as I am with my children and to say "No thank you" to unsolicited advice, no matter how well intentioned.
I hope you’re able to be gentle with yourselves, with your children and with each other.
KF
