12/05/2020
During lockdown it seems a lot more families are trying to work to strict routines and schedules with their baby.
Maybe because there isn't much else to do, it seems a good time to focus on it .
Maybe the lack of trips out in the car, pram and sling mean there are less 'accidental' naps happening, so parents are spending more time figuring out nap times and encouraging them in cots.
Maybe being at home all day is highlighting to families just how much time their baby spends in their arms and they feel uneasy with that.
Maybe it's just that the routine based parenting books were on sale a few months ago...
Whatever the reason, it certainly seems there is an increase of focus at the moment.
So are routines a good idea? Do they work? Are they beneficial?
For some families, they start to follow a routine and it goes well. It seems to all fit together nice and easily and everyone is happy.
But. For the vast majority of families this isn't the case at all. Let me explain why.
Babies do not read books.
Babies live purely on instinct. Their basic human needs of warmth, comfort, love, and nutrition. What a baby is expecting, is to be in the arms and at the breast of their caregiver pretty much 24/7. It's a matter of survival for them. They are completely dependent on their parents to do absolutely everything for them because it is literally impossible for them to do it for themselves.
Babies feed frequently. They have tiny tummies that need refilling often. But they don't just feed for hunger. They feed for thirst. Comfort. Pain relief. To pass wind. If they're hot. If they're cold. Scared. Lonely. Uncomfortable. The list goes on.
Breastfeeding and reaching out for their parents is the only way a baby knows. It is not done for control, or manipulation. It is not done consciously. It's survival.
Just like older children and adults, a baby's needs and mood change daily...or even hourly!
To try and get them to fit into a schedule for those needs (and not object to it) just doesn't make sense. Especially in those early few months when the baby is very much in a 'womb to world transition'
Putting a baby in a routine doesn't work, and then the parents feel like they're failing. Like they're doing something wrong, or something is wrong with their baby, or with breastfeeding.
For example 'I can't put the baby down for their nap without them waking up for more milk, is my supply running low'
No, its because babies don't like being put down! Their survival mechanisms kick in to make sure they're back in the arms of the people who can keep them safe.
'My baby is meant to be having tummy time now, but keeps getting upset'
The baby may not be in the mood for tummy time at that point. Maybe their tummy is uncomfortable, or they're tired. There could be a whole host of reasons, but they can't tell us what it is. So if they're objecting we need to listen to them, they're not being difficult - they have a reason.
So why do we try and put babies into routines when they just seem to cause more stress?
Well society has it so deeply ingrained in us that we are in control of the baby, and what they do and when. That we can somehow manipulate what they need and when they need it. That longer sleeps are somehow better. That they shouldn't need tending to at night time and that we can somehow teach them not to need us at night. That it's our 'job' to 'train' the baby.
It's time we flip it on it's head.
We're not in control and neither are they. It's a relationship from the very start, and as their parents we need to do what they need, when they need it, to support their physical, mental and emotional needs. We have the science to back this up too.
Does this mean we shouldn't ever use routines?
Let's face it, routine has to happen eventually for most families. With work and schooling it's inevitable really. Does that mean we should rush it or force it? Nope.
As the weeks and months go by and a pattern naturally starts to emerge, we can encourage the bits that suit our individual family circumstances. It can happen smoothly and gently with less upset for everyone.
So how do you cope in the meantime?
We are creatures of habit. We thrive on routine, control, and predictability. The way we live our lives doesn't fit with the way a baby needs to live theirs, and we end up in the difficult battle with our baby and ourselves.
Often coping is having the knowledge and acceptance of what's normal, even when the normal is really tough. Put as much as you can on hold until things are more settled - and they will be.
Reach out for as much support as you can get, both mentally and practically.
