11/02/2026
Why Some People Will Never Give You the Apology You’re Waiting For 🙏
One of the most painful aspects of relational trauma is waiting for accountability that never comes. Often, people are not longing for the relationship itself — they are longing to hear:
• “I was wrong.”
• “That wasn’t your fault.”
• “I take responsibility.”
When that acknowledgement doesn’t come, the nervous system can remain stuck in activation — searching for resolution, replaying conversations, trying to make sense of something that feels unresolved.
Why does this happen? For some individuals, admitting harm threatens their internal self-image. If someone strongly identifies as “a good person” or “not abusive,” acknowledging behaviour that contradicts that identity can trigger deep shame. When shame feels intolerable, the nervous system protects itself through defence mechanisms such as:
• Denial – “That’s not what happened.”
• Minimisation – “You’re exaggerating.”
• Justification – “I only reacted because of you.”
• Blame shifting (DARVO) – Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
These are psychological protection strategies. They reduce internal discomfort — but they prevent growth and repair.
A genuine apology requires emotional maturity. It requires the ability to:
• Tolerate shame without collapsing or retaliating
• Separate behaviour from identity
• Sit in discomfort
• Value repair over pride
Not everyone has developed that capacity.
The part that matters for you. Someone’s refusal to take accountability does not invalidate your experience. It does not mean you caused the harm. And it does not diminish your worth.
Closure does not always come from the other person. Sometimes closure comes from recognising:
“I may never receive the apology I deserve — and I will no longer wait for it to move forward.”
When you stop seeking validation from someone committed to protecting their ego, you begin protecting your own wellbeing instead.
That is not giving up.
That is psychological boundary setting.
⸻
Clinical Reflection
In therapy, we often explore the attachment to the hoped-for apology. The waiting can become a trauma bond — a loop where the nervous system believes safety will be restored if accountability finally arrives.
Part of healing is gently grieving the apology that may never come. This grief can include:
• Mourning the version of the person you hoped they would become
• Accepting the reality of who they are right now
• Releasing the fantasy of repair without responsibility
True recovery begins when you shift from:
“When will they see what they’ve done?”
to
“What do I need to feel safe, whole, and at peace — regardless of what they choose?”
That shift is profound. It moves you from powerlessness into self-leadership. And that is where healing begins.
You do not need someone else’s awakening in order to begin your healing. Your nervous system deserves safety now.
Your heart deserves peace now.
Your life does not need to stay paused while someone else avoids their reflection.
Sometimes the most powerful repair is not the one we make with another person — it is the one we make with ourselves. And from there, everything begins to change. 🌿
Written by Nicole Berry Counsellor & Therapist MBCAP
