10/11/2025
Does this resonate with you?
Why EMPATHY May Sound Different, In A Neuro-Spicy Family...
and why some kids may retreat from you when they feel TOO HAPPY. 🤩
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My dad's power wheelchair got stuck on his ramp, today. 👩🦼
He was outside alone, when it happened--trying to "walk" his wife's service dog.
The snow had begun to fall 3 hours before, and Papa's wheels were spinning in the slush. ❄️
So he called me and Charlie!
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To the rescue!!! 🆘️
Off we ran in our pajamas and Crocs, not even taking time to change from our indoor clothes.
We raced to Papa. 🎅
(He actually looks a bit like Santa)
Charlie got to work taking the dog inside and wrapping Papa up in a blanket.
I shoveled the ramp and salted it.
Then we both pushed/pulled his chair up the ramp, got him inside.
I took Papa's blood sugar and oxygen readings, while Charlie began stripping the medical dressings off his legs
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It's an important step because my father has Stage 4 Lymphadema and is currently dealing with an open injury and infection on his left leg.
Charlie KNEW I would need to disinfect, dry, and dress my dad's legs... as Medicare is still dragging its feet on providing a visiting nurse.
Charlie was thinking ahead and showing hands-on EMPATHY for his grandfather.
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Even though Charlie himself was wet and cold, he prioritized his elderly grandpa.
And while he stripped off shoes, compression bandages, ace bandages, gauze, foam pads, and socks, he began seeking external valdation.
"Is this the best way, Papa? ...Am I being gentle?..Does this feel better?..Did it help when I put the pillow under your leg? ..Would you like another blanket?
...Do you need a drink?..."
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And instead of telling Charlie things like, "Yes. Thank you. Good job!"
Instead of that, my dad did what he always does. He answered honestly and precisely with things like,
"It's adequate...
I'm used to discomfort...
It doesn't hurt anymore than usual....
That will suffice...
I didn't ask for a drink."
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As a parent, it was annoying me. 🫤
My kiddo was really making an effort and was asking for some positive feedback!
As an adult CHILD, it was triggering. 🥺
Nothing had been good enough for him, when I was little. All my efforts were met with similarly, neutral responses.
No firm praise....even when I tried to FISH for compliments. 🎣
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My Dad was just....very literal...very firm...very un-empathic.
Like he had always been.
It was disappointing. 😔
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But then I took a moment to sit with my feelings. 🧘♀️
My Dad had been diagnosed Autistic, JUST LAST YEAR, in his mid 70's.
He IS an empathic person. 🧐
He often DOES things which demonstrate that he CONSIDERS OTHERS and their needs
What if he just didn't REALIZE how he sounds? 🤷♀️
What if he was stressed out and having sensory overload, and those things were preventing him from considering WHY Charlie was asking those questions?
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I took a deep breath and decided to handle this DIRECTLY--
because when you are dealing with ND people, 90% of the time it's just best to be DIRECT. 🤌
"Dad," I said, "Charlie is trying very hard to show you that he cares about you, and he is seeking external validation.
He wants to know that YOU value his efforts to care for your health and safety.
He is hoping you will compliment him--
after all, most 14 year old boys do not spontaneously volunteer to play nursemaid to their elders."
🧑🦰👨⚕️
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My father looked GENUINELY surprised and said, "Oh! Of course! That makes sense.'
And then he looked down at Charlie. 👀
"Charlie, you have done a very good job taking off my shoes and bandages. Thank you for your careful attention.
I appreciate how quickly you came to help when I needed it. You are a very kind, young man."
Charlie BEAMED and practically JUMPED onto Papa's lap, in an effort to hug him. 🫂
(Thankfully he didn't. Papa is fragile)
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"No worries, Papa. I'm happy to help!" 🥰
And as often happens when Charlie is having a big feeling (even a happy or positive one) he fled to his safe space....
Which in this case, was the car we left parked in the driveway. 🚗
Charlie sat in the car, humming to himself and looking at his phone.
It would help him get regulated and back to a place of calm contentment. 📲
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Calm is important for Neurodivergent folks because we already struggle with Interoception and Proprioception....
and ANY heightened emotion makes that worse. 🫠
To stay SAFE....
to be tuned in, to our senses of hunger, exhaustion, physical danger, thirst, balance, fullness, temperature, etc.....
We NEED to get back to CALM. ☺️
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And don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you raise your ADHD or Autistic child to be Little Buddha, free of all attachments and intensity 🕉
It's GOOD to feel Joy, Excitement, Hillarity....
we Autistic and ADHD folks deserve to FEEL good things!
We just need time to decompress after. 🛌🎮🍿
And we shouldn't be DISCOURAGED from retreating to a familiar activity or safe space, if that's what it takes for us to FEEL CONTENT AND SAFE.
(Remember this during the Holidays, when your Autistic or ADHD child opens 1 gift in the living room, and then wants to sit alone in their room, watching TV for 2 hours! 😁)
☮️🎁🕎🧧☪️🎄✝️🎂⚛️
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Does this make sense to you?
Have you ever considered that some people seem LESS KIND or LESS SENSITIVE to other people's needs,
simply because they are overwhelmed and not processing input very efficiently?
Even if you AREN'T Neuro-spicy, that is going to happen, sometimes.
But ADHD, Autistic, SPD, Dyslexic, OCD, Anxious and Dyspraxic folks are MORE likely to "miss nuance" or "miss cues"
simply because they are more prone to extreme overwhelm,
as most shared spaces aren't designed around their needs,
their priorities,
their safety,
and their styles of communication.
Tell me....are your kids anything like MY kids.....seeking encouragement when you're juggling 14 things in your hands and also ALREADY talking to somebody on the phone?
⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️
Note:
I know it's a weird picture, but...I offered my ADHD/Autistic, paraplegic father, the respect of not showing off his clutter to the world.
With his mobility severely limited, he has to keep most stuff on shelves around his reclining chair.
He cannot lay down due to a spinal cord injury. So whenever he is not in his wheelchair, he is sitting here.
And yeah....being ADHD he has a lot of hobby clutter, around him, as his attention is often leaping from thing to thing.
I HAVE left his masked Super Hero bear in the lower, right corner. It's adorable.
